I used to be a “frigid” wife.

I knew even before I got married that I wouldn’t be able to keep up the “schedule” of sex my husband and I had established during our courtship, and once I even warned him that it was going to have to slow down. But I think that went in one ear and out the other at supersonic speed, touching nothing in between.

Sure enough, not long after we got married sex became a battleground for us, and we struggled with the problem like two fish flopping around next to each other in the bottom of an open boat: gasping for a natural breath and injuring ourselves with every pointless, ineffectual spasm.

To me it seemed simple: he wanted me to be his sexual appliance, a handy-dandy love machine that could be switched on and off at his command. I felt no desire, and I didn’t want to “submit” to being handled and penetrated when I wasn’t in the mood. If he really loved me, this sex thing, this “merely physical” part of our lives, wouldn’t be such a big freakin’ deal. And his pissy, furious responses to my refusals only made me more sure that he didn’t really love me. He just wanted to use my vagina.

To him it seemed simple, too. If I loved him — as I consistently claimed — why didn’t I want to make love?

These things always look absolutely nuts in retrospect. You wonder how you managed to get through that crazy period in your life, how you could have been so wrong, how you could have set yourselves up in such a no-win situation. It looked hopeless at the time, a total impasse. Yet we succeeded in overcoming it, and one of the things I discovered in the five or six years since I started talking about our sexual renaissance in public is that this kind of sexual recovery is not as rare as I imagined. Being a writer by trade and a blabbermouth by inclination, a blog like this was inevitable.

In March of 2003 I started the first blog devoted to this subject and almost immediately, in between some positive, even enthusiastic reactions from both genders, I started getting hostile email. Sometimes very hostile email. When women wrote to me in a negative vein, it was usually an objection to my “cynicism” or “cold-bloodedness” about the subjects of sex and marriage. But when men wrote in to disagree with me they seemed to be pissed off about everything, up to and including (it seemed to me) the fact that women existed at all. As time went on I had to accept that the dominant emotion a large proportion of men were feeling when the subject of marital sex came up in the discourse was pure, unrepentant rage. You could power the Enterprise with the fury these guys were generating.

So men are angry. That’s not a very original observation, of course, but it is effectively the dark center of the problem we’re talking about in this blog. Here’s another banal observation: American intercentury culture has put some peculiarly frustrating pressures on men and women alike, so we all have unrealistic and — worse — essentially non-negotiable expectations when it comes to marriage and sex.

This is the rock: we all want Love, which we have redefined toward an unsustainable ideal, and this is the hard place: when we feel we aren’t getting Love, we seek Power, which the culture has restructured in ways none of us can any longer confidently use.

So I’m not going to blithely tell you to take Deep Cleansing Breaths and chill out. You feel what you feel. Some of us obviously feel worse than others. But even the most charmed, most actualized human being can’t feel Loved “enough.”

Still, we can sometimes work it out. With effort and introspection we can come to feel content enough to let go of desperate striving and angry scrambling for ascendancy over other people and concentrate instead on controlling the one thing we can ever really have power over: ourselves.

In this blog I’ve been telling my story, my struggle with Power and Love within myself and my marriage, with a view to helping you examine your own. I used this narrative method because the final chapter in the saga of my sexual recovery involved a special kind of re-imagining of my life story, so that in my own mind I became the odd, unusual protagonist of a romantic novel of erotic renewal. Eventually I hope you’ll be “re-writing” your own history in a similarly heroic way.

This approach is not only an outgrowth of my own experience, but has been guided by several discussions I’ve had with academics and research I’ve done in my freelance journalism that talks about the problem — if you agree that it is one — of sorting out the differences between “femininity” and “masculinity” in a world that demands recognition social equality. I can promote the goals of feminism and still recognize that there has to be an erotic difference between men and women to maintain sexual chemistry and stave off boredom (to the extent that’s possible). If you want to have more and better sex, the last thing you want to do is turn yourself into a Unisexual Being (whose penis is merely an afterthought). Ugh.

What qualities make a man sexy, what makes a woman notice and respond to him as a man? What kind of behaviors and attitudes make the difference? I believe men should have “permission” — sorry, that’s the only way I can think of to phrase the thought in this day and age — to develop their own vision of masculinity and sexiness without a lot of fainting and hanky-wringing from people who seem to fear that adult, intelligent men can’t make responsible use of the feelings, images and narratives of “heroic” art and literature.

This is also a way to help you see your marriage as a major component of your Big Story, the moral narrative of your life, and not just a vexing little contractual arrangement that you’re going to cancel if you don’t get your way (and pronto). You’ll want to strive for what I call “intentional manhood,” the kind of manhood that’s action and not just reaction. Because a man who goes through his life like a paramecium, recoiling from one stimuli and caroming off the sides of his Petri dish into another, is going to feel confused and frustrated about everything, not just his sex life.

In the old days most men had the mythology of religion to help them frame their lives, their aspirations and their everyday goals. If you had faith, you could pattern your life after Moses, Mohammed, or Mithra, follow the rules and expectations of your particular tradition, and understand your little life as a part of some Grand Design.

These days, most of us don’t have — or want — that kind of pre-packaged Big Picture. This is both bad and good. Bad in that it leaves us adrift, existentially speaking, and good because it allows us to make use of our individual human creativity and experience to create our own Big Pictures. One size does not fit all, and it’s usually best to let people work things out for themselves — as long as they can see the full reality of their circumstances and relationships.
That’s why I’ve been giving very up-front, very blunt advice/analysis (see the long list of Stories in the sidebar). And a lot of people of both sexes haven’t liked it one. little. bit. But here’s the thing: American “self-help” literature is piled high with boneless attempts by pop psychology gurus to address these issues in a soothing, sweet-talking, I’m Okay, You’re Okay kind of way. Not only is their glib, bourgeois blandola the next best thing to useless, it’s boring. So while I can understand how you might not want to hear a lot of what I’m saying (except for the sexy bits, maybe), being too careful of your feelings would be the death of my ability to be honest with you. Besides, I figure you can take it.

So what about this storied marriage of mine? I could paint it as high drama, in some kind of classical story arc, a suspenseful narrative driving to a stunning climax, followed by a satisfying denouement. Unfortunately for my artistic instincts, the truth is rather more prosaic. Our twenty-five-year marriage has been like most other people’s: a series of rising and falling waves of affection, distraction, anger and happiness. In and out of love, convinced it’s not going to work, sure it’s forever, not sure again. As the years spooled out, though, the trust and sureness grew.

But there was a moment that might qualify as a Turning Point, when I had my first glimmering of the central truths of this blog, so let me tell you about it.

My husband had a bad habit in the first decade of our marriage of going to some routine business function or some minor get-together by himself, or just stopping for some after-work drinks with the boys, and “losing all track of time.” Not only would he not come home until hours later, reeling, he wouldn’t even call to tell me where he was.

Naturally, in the fullness of time came the day when, realizing at 11 p.m. that he was out on another of these toots, I literally packed my bag, put my infant daughter in her carrier and picked up the phone to call a cab.

So why didn’t I? Why did I put the phone back into the wallset, sit down at the kitchen table and cry (raging, pounding the Formica, mopping my face with the place mats) before putting the baby back in her bed and unpacking my bag?

I realized (somehow, in the flame-edged haze of my fury) that for all my fussing and fuming about this issue, I must have somehow not been able to get my husband to really understand how deadly serious it was to me. He still didn’t Get It, and there had to be a reason for that, a reason I had to fathom. I also knew that if these incidents continued — or, heaven forfend, got worse — they were going to make me breaking-point angry again, every single time. My resentment would grow with each event, and that would increasingly poison each successive calculation of the tradeoff between staying and going. (Sound familiar?)

So I couldn’t just decide to stay; I had to figure out how to avoid wanting to leave in the future. I had to think it through, not just react in the same tired, ineffective way every time it happened. I had to figure out what was going on inside him, not just inside me. When I finally decided to use my brain on the situation instead of my furious, resentful, self-righteous emotions and — even more challenging — to allow that I might be doing (or not doing) something to make it worse, I figured it out.

He didn’t call me when he was out on these little adventures because they were expressions of his freedom to act as he damn well pleased, without explanation or excuse: Look at me, I’m Baaaaad, baby. There ain’t no jail in the territory can hold me. The last thing a man wants to do when he is making that kind of statement is to call his wife and get permission to continue being a desperado.

To me these hops off the reservation were slaps in the face, gestures of contempt and dominance. I read each one as a big “fuck you!” to to my needs and feelings. To him they were just expressions of manhood and personal autonomy. He saw my “excessive” anger about these “minor” incidents as a demand to toe the line of unnecessary marital rules, as an attempt to assert control over him.

These incidents revealed that a subterranean jockeying for Power had taken over between us, a vicious spiral of secret disappointments and unspoken demands on each other that neither of us could fulfill because if we did, we would be declared The Loser.

Realizing that ugly truth about us both — and not just reflexively blaming him for the entirety of the problem — was the beginning of my deeper understanding of many more of our issues, including the sexual one. It’s amazing what just accepting a truth of that caliber can do for your attitude and actions in a relationship. No, it didn’t happen overnight — that’s just in the movies — but as I continued with my committment to facing the truth about our power relationships I came all the way back to my husband, emotionally as well as sexually.

So why, you might be asking, since I was the one who made the first move in my own marriage, am I talking to MEN in this blog? As so many of those angry correspondents have told me, over and over again, what I need to be doing is telling women to straighten up and fly right. Women should be repeatedly reminded of the “contract” they signed when they got married, in which the first sentence is (apparently): “Give husband sex at least twice a week, whether you like it or not.” Women just need to come across with the punani on a more regular basis, and then everybody would be happy. So why (these guys cry) are you talking to me when it’s really her cold-ass selfishness that is the problem?

Because…listen carefully here…if I tell you that your marital dissatisfactions are all your wife’s fault, you are in a totally helpless position. If she is the one and only, absolutely immovable cause of all your sexual difficulties, you can do nothing to improve the situation. You might as well give up, today, this minute, and go out and get divorced.

Maybe that’s what you’ll ultimately decide to do. It’s an honest option. Sometimes wives turn out to be impossibly neurotic or situations are so Fido Uniform that there’s no hope. But if there’s a possibility of encouraging a rebirth of your wife’s sensuality and intimate affection, don’t you want to at least try it before you file the papers?

One of the useful concepts in that vast drippy body of earnest suburban psychobabble I referenced earlier is that in any situation where people are dissatisfied with the status quo, they are the ones who “own” the problem, and they are the ones who must do the most to solve it. It may feel unfair to you to have to make concessions or changes when the problem, from your point of view, is really being caused by a partner who refuses to fulfill your reasonable expectations.

But in my experience, standing on My Rights, insisting that other people admit that they are the ones who are wrong in a given situation, or deciding that they must make the changes I demand before I will change myself, has gotten me exactly nowhere (or, worse, somewhere I really didn’t want to go). This is especially true when it came to those pesky unspoken contracts, where I was the only judge of what were “reasonable” terms and conditions.

I started out the blog talking about little things that men can fix practically overnight, because sometimes that’s all that’s needed — or all a man has the stomach for. And when it comes to women and sex, “little things” — things you might consider irrelevant or ridiculous or even insulting — sometimes count much more than you might have imagined. Does it come as a surprise to you that the sort of romantic gesture many women yearn for isn’t the presentation of expensive flowers, but noticing that there’s dog hair on the rug and pulling out the vacuum — without subsequent bragging of your martyrdom or demands for gratitude?

There are some things women feel that they just can’t tell the men they love. Things they can’t say out loud, things they can’t admit to themselves or to you, and things they don’t even quite understand in their own minds. These are the secrets we’re afraid to voice, the dissatisfactions we don’t verbalize for fear of slaughtering your ego or making ourselves less desirable — or more disposable. Women might bitch and moan day and night about everything else in their lives, yet never confess the most essential things, the things their lovers really need to know.

Yeah, there were a lot of generalizations in that paragraph. I’m going to be making a lot more. Generalizing has gotten kind of a bad rap lately. People object to it when it’s their ox being gored and let it go when someone else’s is getting the shaft. But it has a long and respectable rhetorical history, for good reason. It’s true that our natural tendency to generalize can sometimes get us into logical trouble, as when (to give the classic example) we assume that because all we’ve ever seen are white swans, black ones don’t exist. But generalizing is also the only way we can “make sense” of large bodies of data that can’t realistically be considered otherwise.

While each person is an individual unlike any other and every marriage is a unique experience for its participants, I’ve been discussing a lot of things that I believe a significant number of people or marriages have in common. So let’s make a deal: when I use the terms “women” or “men” or “marriage” or any other large category, you will understand that I may not be talking about you or any other particular man or woman. Don’t take it personally. If it doesn’t apply to you and your marriage, it doesn’t apply. You don’t have to defend yourself. You especially don’t have to defend yourself with an email screed that details my failings as a woman, human being and Internet chatterbox. I believe you, okay? And anyway, why should my little feeeeemale opinion matter to a Big Strong Man like you?

So, are we cool? Excellent.


Over the last year and a half of thinking about these issues for the blog, I’ve been developing a Man’s Plan For Marital Action, and I hope you’ll come along while I flesh it out. It goes something like this:

To recover his marriage sexually (and every other way), a Man will:

1) Face facts (obviously we’re already working on that)

2) Fix “little things” first

3) Understand the emotional calculus of Love and Power in his relationship

4) Return to the basics of his own character and masculinity

5) Create his own solutions in his own context.

In the beginning of the earlier blog (reproduced in the pages on “Disgust,” “Discomfort,” etc.), I offered a few very basic practical suggestions, little things you could do right away without a lot of consideration and turmoil. Everyone would prefer to take simple, concrete actions that have a chance of succeeding (or at least improving the situation) before committing themselves to more challenging efforts. It’s perfectly okay to hope that those little things will turn everything around for you, and it’s certainly possible that they will — but don’t count on it.

The more important part of this blog was / is / will be an attempt to give you tools for drilling down to your deeper personal truths, your aquifer, the way you define yourself as an adult human of the male persuasion in today’s ambivalent and sometimes downright hostile society. To give you food for thought on that vexed bit of business, I’m advancing my own preliminary ideas about the masculine mystique.

In my view, a man — I don’t say a “real man,” because there are no fake men, only boys–

* Knows who he is * Knows what he wants * Seeks the truth, and tells it * Does the Right Thing

All well and good, you’re probably thinking (rolling your eyes), but didn’t I promise not to purvey tired self-help clichés like “know yourself” and “the truth will make you free”? Well, yeah, except that I am talking basics here, after all, and those apparently vapid bullet points are the chassis supporting the most relevant characteristic, to wit:

A man also

* Uses his individual masculine mythos with intelligence and style, in bed and out

Your “masculine mythos” is essentially your personal erotic legend, the story of Manhood Your Way. As a sexually aware adult exposed to the seductions of your culture, you already have an erotic mythos, but unless you frequent certain egg-headed halls of academe, you probably haven’t given it much thought. There’s been a lot of snotty ivory tower theorizing on this concept, and many of you have (in a sense) seen the smoke rising over the ivied walls as they burn all that intellectual lumber, but the ideas can also be really useful to the ordinary guy.

But if the concepts sound like so much folkloric bullshit to you, don’t worry about it. Stick with things you can do by rote, without the cogitation. Use them or lose them as necessary.

But how do you know if your marriage is worth even that much effort? Two ways: first, determine whether there is still a reservoir of mutual good will and psychological compatibility in the non-sexual side of your relationship. On that question this is Julia Grey’s Acid Test: are you still laughing together?

Shared humor is a crucial bond. It signals fundamental, unspoken agreements between people about how the world works and how they’re functioning in it. Once a sexual problem raises its head in a marriage, your senses of humor understandably start dragging their feet, but if you can’t laugh together, ever — even if it is only at a sitcom or a movie you’re watching — you’re pretty much doomed. Down the Irreconcilable Differences river. On that Lonesome Train. Riding off into the sunset. Lost in … well, you get the picture.

The other way to determine whether there is still enough left in your marriage to work with is to figure out, honestly, how much you’re willing to do to improve things in the absence of any effort from her.

Are you willing to be the sole active partner in solving your sexual impasse, at least at first? Do you love your wife enough (or at least value the marriage enough) to let go of your notion of Your Rights for the time being and take up tasks that might be annoying, time-consuming and open-ended, all without reaping immediate “rewards”?

As you’ve probably gathered, my thoughts on this subject could be rocky going (and not just because they go interminably, like this post). This is not your second nature sort of thing, and it sometimes goes very much against the grain. Even having to consider some of these ideas pisses some men off. A lot. Worse, when/if you actually try them, you may NOT get the gratitude and Hot Wet Love you expect, especially short term.

In fact, I guarantee you’ll wonder at some point why the hell you bother.

So. If after reading all this you decide that salvaging your marital sex life is not worth the effort, that’s fine. Click out of the blog. Walk away from the computer.

Because the most important element in all this — the one crucial, non-negotiable thing you’ll need along the way — is to be genuinely, brutally, consistently honest with yourself. No denial allowed.

Still with me?

Good. Let’s go.

Original Comments in response to “Introduction”:
I was bout to post a rant, and an angry one at that, then I re read this introduction and some things jumped out. Do basic chores WITHOUT bragging about them and demanding acknowledgement. I am a huge braggart for doing things I should be doing anyhow. Also, that if this is her fault, then I don’t have any control, you are right. I am still pissed about it but I will take a deep, damn cleansing breath and read on. Will this work if my purpose is selfish? I want more sex with my wife, that is why I read.  


john • 9/16/04; 8:50:21 AM
read this ,is pretty good,my wife has been interested in sex for 14ys, maybe 1 or 2 time in 2 months.I keep on going tho.thinking I need to love her anyway because sex is not the only thing.But she doesnt do anything to show she loves I love you’s, no why don’t you go have a good kissing no touching.Is this all worth it.I’ve come to learn I dont get mad about no sex ant more ,its her coldness in every other place.  

jose • 9/26/04; 6:04:11 AM

I just happened upon your site for the first time today. Are you gone forever? I see the last update was way back in Sep. ’04, and here we are closing in on March ’05.I have a specific question about my husband. Can I ask it? Of course it has to do with sex, but I’m still wondering if I can ask it, or if this is just a basic “response to blog” posting place.  

laurie • 2/23/05; 11:23:12 AM

I love the way you think!
I just came upon your blog quite by accident and I love it. I am one of those men who have a much more intimate relationship with women that does not involve any sort of sexual contact.(although in one instance it evolved and devolved with no feelings of regret or remorse.In fact, I love her husband as much as I love her.)Oh! yeah, we were both single at the time after going through simultanious divorces.
I may never read any more of your blogs because the internet is a very large place and I do not always find it interesting to visit places where I agree with everything, but, who knows?
Thanks for your views.  

ChrisChris • 3/2/05; 7:32:25 PM

I noticed that there is a 5 step plan “To recover his marriage sexually, a Man will:” that you came up with apparently. Why does fixing a sexless marriage have to be placed solely on the man?  

Mike • 7/12/05; 3:39:40 PM

Just wanted to mention that what you’re talking about definitely goes both ways. In other words, I’ve known a number of women who have ended up being dissatisfied with their men because they don’t get enough sex from them. Your position seems to be one sided, and perhaps you meant it to be. There are A LOT of horny women out there these days who want sex just as much or more than the men they are with. Personally, I think anyone, man or woman, who isn’t really that into sex is probably that way for a reason, either because of bad experiences in the past, abuse, having been brought up in a repressive environment, or whatever. I suppose there are some who are just naturally not into it. That’s hard for me to understand personally, but hey, everyone is different.  

Matt • 12/29/05; 3:53:19 PM

I am a 52 yr old man mostly confined to a walker or wheelchair because two heart surgeries and 2 strokes. I am on numerous medications and cannot drive, lift heavy objects, stand for long periods, etc. But I can hug, kiss and have sex. I can also help with minor chores around the house and baby sit my 3 yr old grandson. My wife, who was very passionate before our marriage and for years after it won’t hug or kiss me unless I corner her into it and sex is a once every 1-2 yrs if I’m lucky. She says she does not feel like having sex and I should honor her requests – I say that marriage is not just what one party wants while ignoring the wants of the other party. Sex once every couple months would make me happy, but she insists that aspect of our marriage only be on her terms. She’s even said that if I don’t like it to go ahead an leave. I love her, with all my heart – she says the same, but I believe she only loves me as one would love a live in brother or close friend.  

Guy Salsburg • 2/19/06; 5:08:36 PM

After reading all the links for this blog, I’m surprised you don’t deal with the fact that women use sex to control/manipulate men. Before, during and after a relationship of any kind(besides family of course), and regardless of a womens sex drive, they use sex to gain power and control. If you really made this blog to help men, I’d think this would be the first thing discussed. You make many other good points, but if you’re not going to start with the this basic fact, it all gets lost in feminist preachiness, of which these posts do not lack in any way.To really help people with their sex lives, you have to be honest about how women use their sexuality. You’re addressing the symptoms while completly ignoring the cause in most cases.  

Scott • 6/4/06; 5:55:05 AM

Julia, I’m curoius. The idea behind this blog is that you used to be a “frigid” wife but aren’t now and that the strategies that broke you from your frigidness comprise the outline, at least, of this web site. But, since the majority of the strategies described in your blog are for men and not women, I wonder, who was it that made the change that fixed your sex life? Was it you or your husband?  

David • 10/23/06; 11:59:10 PM

Hi Julia,
Thank you for you candid and honest opinions. I have just read the intro. I am willing to try anything. Being a man approaching 40, with a wife just a couple of years older, simultaneous divorces, and remarriage. You can imagine where we are at. Thank you for your writings. I am enjoying them. You are obviously very educated and very intelligent.  

Shawn • 11/26/06; 9:11:15 PM

I hope this does not sound callous, immature or selfish. Perhaps it is all those things and I am in need of introspection. In any case I am frustrated. I love my wife and I know she loves me. I am sure that I neglect some of her needs just as she is neglecting some of mine. It is difficult, however, to understand her apparent lack of interest in something that is so important to me. Sex(in addition to many other things) makes me feel loved an appreciated. It is something that I have an apprent psychological as well as a physical need for. Does she have similar needs? I am sure she does. (well, not similar in the “physical” sense, but needs all the same. Unfortunately I am much more keenly aware of my needs than anyone elses. She works hard, takes care of the kids while I am at work as well as the household. I work hard too. I have attempted to follow some of the advice on this website, candles, romance, oral sex on demand. You name it. My wife is a wonderful person, kind, sweet and giving. Sometimes it feels like she is asexual however. Does my rant do any good? Probably not. It made me feel a little better though. Thanks for listening.  

Jeff • 5/24/07; 10:17:54 PM

…and man and women should be physically attracted to each other enough to have sex two to three times a week. Sex usally last 30-45 min. If you think that is too long but then watch a comedy show for a hour each night or the news then you are lying to your spouse. Either you are gay and dont know it. Or You dont really like your spouse. Men gotta have sex at LEAST 3 times a week. If not they gonna do it themselves, and then if the wife keeps it up, then he is gonna get so frustrated he will start messing around or go crazy.  

If you dont agree? tell your husband that you dont want to hae sex that much and its ok for him to f around.

ChrisJ • 11/8/07; 2:49:53 PM

I fell upon your blog while searching for anything out htere that could help me in my failing marriage. I find so much of what you say to be true, it’s amazing. I am a woman who is dealing with a man who has lost patience with my over weight and has decided the relationship is over. Wedding band is off, out a night or two weekly (although he comes home.) Still in our bed, but completely detached. He still does some of the marriage things with me as well. We go out to eat and to shows, etc…but he is done. We have done the diet thing together and now, he is thin and I am not. I am looking towards lap band surgery, but have committed daily tread milling and good eating habits first. I have dropped 14 lbs this month. He is unaffected and out there doing his thing. We are married 13 years and lived together for 10 before. We have raised kids, bought homes and now have 3 grandkids. We are in our mid 50’s. I’m so confused.  

sosad • 3/5/08; 4:29:27 PM

Great discussion!!! A great book for married men is “How to Love You Wife” by Dr. John Buri. It changed my life!!Here’s the short description of the book: Some people have suggested that a successful marriage requires tremendous insight to understand and super-human effort to achieve. Others contend that happy marriages are the purview of a lucky few. In this ground-breaking book, How To Love Your Wife, it is revealed how thriving marriages can actually be achieved through sensible effort by reasonable people. But here’s the catch. Since the majority of marriages in this country consist of unions in which wives are more heavily invested in marital success than are their husbands, much of this sensible effort by reasonable people needs to be consistently initiated and maintained by men. In fact, men often hold the keys to bringing about the type of loving marriage they had hoped for when they first said “I do.” In How To Love Your Wife, these keys are made clear, understandable, and accessible. John Buri’s website:

The book on amazon:

How To Love Your Wife

How to Love Your Wife

Mike • 7/18/08; 11:28:16 PM
Okay, my wife and I have been married for six years now, when we first got married we slept in the same bed, had sex at least every other night and we we very passionate toward each other, wow how thing’s have changed.
We now share seperate bedroom’s, have not had sex in about a year in a half, and the passion we once shared between each other sems to have just gone over night. This is both our second marriage, my wife had a daughter and a son who is now 15 in her first and she and I have a 6 year old little girl. I’ve tried everything to make things work in this marriage but it seems nothing is helping, if anything it has gotton worse. When we first married I was in law enforcement, which I still am, I’ve had to work many weekend’s, holiday’s etc..but she already knew what I did before we married, in fact she made the comment that she did not care, she could handle it, when in fact she has not handled anything at all. She, with my encouragement and blessings, went back to college and received her degree in accounting, prior to this she was very humble, or timed for lack of a better word, she let people run over her and I always told her to stand her ground, now that she has received her degree it seems her whole outlook upon life has changed, for one she knows everything, even thing’s about my job which she has never experienced at all, I nor can anyone else talk to her about anything because she seems to know the answers already, hell why shouldnt she rule the world??
Now I know that I am not perfect, in fact I have many faults for one I am a very spoiled man, I come from a divorced family and I was spolied all my life. Two, I have always wanted the center of attention from my loved ones, not sure why but I have. Having said this I ask my wife a few weeks ago if she would just talk to me, she said “sure, whatever.” Redflag for me on her responce, but I went ahead and told her my worries and my thinking about our marriage, her responce in a nut shell was this. “I have no desire for sex from you or anyone else, I love you and you do not deserve me, I know of no other man who whould put up with what you have put up with I think it’s just my work and I might be going through mid-life crisis, I do love you but you do what you have to do.”
Thats it, what am I to make of this?? What should I do and is this marriage even worth my time? I don’t want it over, but how can I play house with someone who never even touches me?? How am I supposed to act all “Happy” when I feel like a stranger in my own home? As I said I do not want this over, I am scared and afraid, but personally I feel that it is already over and we are both just to scared to say so or admit it..
Please anyone HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Howard • 4/19/09; 2:24:10 AM



896 Responses to “Introduction”

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  4. Moises Says:

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  5. Anonymous Says:

    I read your whole page and I am sure you are a asexual person. Too bad for your husband that he did not find out more about you before he married you. What a shame and waste of life.

  6. Anonymous Says:

    I came across your website years ago. It made me realize that my wife was as you described in your post, it all made sense and bing I changed my life around. 5 or 6 years later I am now divorced and happy, I am with a loving GF for 5 years. I have the kids custody Wednesday to Wednesday every other week, their mum (my ex-wife) is well as far as I know (she found someone much younger than her). The kids really like GF and they can see it “ticks” between us, which was not the case with their mother. I am happy I show the kids what happiness is and what it takes to reach it, they are not going to reproduce my mistake and certainly not fall into this pitfall of being with a girl who has no physical/emotional attraction. No codependency, no sexless life. Most of all I don’t have my brain always working on “what is going on in our relationship, why is she rejecting me, is she seeing someone else .etc…” instead I developed in incredible ways professionally and with the ones I love. You have one life, it is short. Focus on what is important and be happy.

  7. Anonymous Says:

    Stephen- thank you for your thoughts. I love my wife so much that the thought of losing her tears the fabric of my soul as much as the emotional and physical separation from her. I wish I could talk to you more. I don’t feel I can tell anyone else.

  8. RJ Says:

    If my wife was “frigid” she’d be served with divorce papers faster than you can say their really are plenty of fish in the sea.

  9. Cameron Bartholomew Says:

    Julia’s blog said….

    “So why, you might be asking, since I was the one who made the first move in my own marriage, am I talking to MEN in this blog?”

    “Because…listen carefully here…if I tell you that your marital dissatisfactions are all your wife’s fault, you are in a totally helpless position. If she is the one and only, absolutely immovable cause of all your sexual difficulties, you can do nothing to improve the situation. You might as well give up, today, this minute, and go out and get divorced.”
    OK… but hold up… this does not answer the question. Because everything you said in your answer could be equally directed to women – so long as you think your dissatisfactions are all your partner’s fault, you remain in a helpless position. That very same rationale applies to BOTH parties in the relationship. So the question remains unanswered… WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO MEN in this blog?

    See, I think there’s something else at work here… a basic unconscious assumption that responsibility lies more with the masculine… an assumption of feminine passivity. It’s so much easier for us to tell the MASCULINE to stand up and take responsibility. It’s so much easier for us to tell the MAN to stop being a helpless victim than it is to tell the woman to stop being a helpless victim. I think that’s an assumption that deserves to be radically challenged.

    Having said all that, I’m not complaining too much, because I myself am a man, so I needed a blog directed towards men. So yeah, your blog actually helped me somewhat.

    But still… I have to say, one of my greatest personal frustrations are those times where I seem to be the only one taking any responsibility or initiative to really work on improving the relationship, trying to work on myself, or trying to be more considerate of the other. I confess that does bother me deeply. I think eventually a point comes where that situation falls apart, and you can’t be the only one trying anymore.

  10. Trinn Says:

    More modern pop-psych chorework for men. A man must do this, a man must do that. Never addressing the defrauding act being committed by the woman. So easy to blame men in our culture, so easy to show them being kicked in the balls for a laugh on sitcoms, commercials, and b-movies—and so so taboo and un-politically correct to reprove or ridicule or simply hold women accountable for ANYthing they do. Ironically, this gender-biased asininity does not “liberate” women, but rather UNFANTILIZES them by making the case that women are not moral agents of their own with their own free will.
    This is why western civ men are abandoning marriage in droves. This is why western civ men are “pumping and dumping” american women all over the place, instead of being foolish enough to continue being defrauded by women under the modern marriage laws which turn men into nothing more than a mule and an ATM for women.
    This is why I just divorced a defrauding, frigid, sexless woman after being married for a decade and a half. This is why I will be counseling my little boy to never, ever get married in this system. This is why I have to counsel my little girl to watch out for all the rational “pump and dumpers” caused by misandric feminism and to just be okay if no one boy ever marries her, those boys are actually the smart ones that would normally have made the best husbands in a non-misandric, non-collapsing civilization.
    The lengths that most women will go to in order to justify and rationalize their own misbehavior and seek to pin it back on men is often quite shocking. Hence a blog like this.

  11. james Says:

    I’ve been married for 47 years to my one and only but for the last 14 years its been hell cant cuddle up to her in bed or she pushes me away, tried everything in the sex book. Cleaned house, wash dishes, done laundry. drove her where ever she wants, carried shopping, basically I have tied everything and have resolved to this. she is nothing more that a frigid & prudish bitch and if things don’t change soon I kick her ass out the door

  12. Greg Says:

    There are a lot of generalizations and assumptions in this blog post. I know from personal experience that a man can be kind, helpful, considerate, and anything else a woman might want –and it’s not going to change his wife’s personality. If she’s not comfortable with sexuality, her body, emotions of intimacy, then she wins. She controls the frequency. Women will enter marriage knowing their partner’s desires and then shut down, claiming the man is a selfish pig for being healthy and normal. It’s a bait and switch routine, it’s fraud, and men need to be on the alert from a young age or they’re in for world of hurt.

  13. Anonymous Says:

    This post does NOT help men who are not having sex in a relationship, it gives you ideas about how to cope with less to No sex. The first sentences in this post the author shows her hand, she duped her husband with an unrealistic sexual schedule at the start of the relationship only to then withdraw from that once married. The problem is that most of these women want to be in a sexless relationship and expect men to shut off desire as well. There is no easy solution to this problem and is the main reason men look for sex with younger women, they still want to have sex. If learning to cope without intimacy in a relationship is what you are looking for then the advice in this post will certainly afford you that.

  14. Anonymous Says:

    Yeh this woman. Is just a frigid bitch lol like some of the other woman. Not all are like these bitches, just go and find one that fucks, there are loads of them, trust me. LEAVE WHILE YOU STILL HAVE YOUR DIGNITY, YOU WWONT REGRET IT 🙂

  15. Anonymous Says:

    Love is the true gold on earth – let it be the hub from which all else stems. Strive to understand and forgive. Agree to be each others soul mate.

  16. Anthony Ghosn Says:

    “Thank you ” to everyone participating. This is insightful to me as I have dealt with a frigid spouse for as long as we’ve been together…..(over 30 years.) Now, its ’empty nest’ phase of our lives. She is 63 and I am 60. I have a very strong libido. She has a very low libido. She doesn’t like massage, doesn’t like touching, hates intercourse….pouts and complains anytime we do get close… the point that I’m just taking sex from her which is completely undesirable for me and a total buzz kill.

    So, why? Some of you may ask, have you stayed together so long? Well, we have two fantastic children together. They are young adults with high-powered career paths. We have built a great financial situation together currently and a very promising retirement. She is extremely attractive, we make a good looking couple in public. I still love her…..but I think its an image that I may be in love with.

    I travel from time to time, internationally, and she doesn’t want to travel. By the way, she has not worked in any career capacity since we started dating. There is a small inheritance that she recently received….the majority of our wealth comes from my savings and investing of an executive career compensation. I’m grateful for her support of my career. I could not have accomplished what I have without her support.

    She treats our cat like a human and speaks to it more affectionately that she does to me. Well, maybe you’re an asshole to her, some of you may say. After all, Men are just angry all the time, right? I do all the domestic things that one expects of a husband. I’ve been loyal for a long, long time and I get this shocked response when I try to make a move towards the bedroom…..then the cycle starts: frustration, verbalize the frustration, she denies my frustration by saying you’re just like the rest of them and then resentment.

    We keep an impeccable home, with fine art collections, fabulous entertainment spaces and a wonderful place to keep my home office, from which I work three days a week. Life is really good in all other aspects but her frigidness! Her mother was very similar…..cold, void of affection and distant, no passion for anything.

    Well, I’n not sure, but I don’t think this is a chicken and egg dilemma. Women hold all the cards when it comes to affection and sexuality. If they are frigid, then the sexuality is kinda flat and dead and solely physical. I do receive a lot of attention from other women, younger women in their mid 30’s to early 50’s. I’ve spent time pursuing some of these women and they are willing to play ball……but eventually they want the security of a long term relationship and commitment.

    I do not want to go through a divorce. I am a business valuation specialist and I get involved with high net worth Family Law cases on a regular basis. The process is brutal and not a good trade off for what I am facing in this marriage.

    So the obvious alternative is to find my affection somewhere else……well, I’ve tried that too and it’s not the answer. That is treatment of the symptoms not the cause.

    Oh well, this is nothing new……just life.


    Angry old white guy

    • Anonymous Says:

      Fuck, man. I feel for you. You just described the future I keep seeing in my marriage (minus the executive money. Haven’t figured that one out). I’m about fifteen years younger than you. Eighteen years into the marriage. The kids. Yeah. It would be nice if some deeper philosophical truth would reveal itself as payment for an entire life lost to sexlessness. I keep looking for it. Good luck, man.

  17. An Amazed Man Says:

    And women wonder why men have affairs!

  18. James68473747 Says:

    Sex is not just sex for men. We have feelings too and by sex we feel acceptance and love, we feel like men are supposed to feel, it gives us the strenght to be nice, do things with you, hear about your problems etc..

    Without sex we feel like you are our sister or mother, we feel loved but not fully, we feel broken, faulty and unatractive. We feel like your brother that has a sister who has the final word in our sexuality.

    Sex makes us nice and keeps us in love with you because we feel loved.

    No sex makes us the easily irritable jerk who “doesn’t even deserve sex”.

  19. Mark T. Bull Jones Says:

    Sorry. You lost me. I have done all you list off and more.
    We had a fantasy type sex life. Until the day we married. No sex on our wedding night and Damned little in the 15 years since. None in the last year. Yet, I remain faithful. I’ve begged for professional intervention, I’ve tried to start her talking. Nothing works. Just excuses.
    Now what?
    Divorce? I hope not. I love the woman. There are other options, other women still interested. The thought makes me ill.

  20. Cenk Says:

    Wish you have written this article in a simpler language….

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