Technique 4

In my earlier ignorance I thought cock rings were only sick bondage devices, unsavory fetish things made of metal or other hard, rigid material and designed to inflict pain in sado-masochistic sexual scenarios. The very thought made me shudder in disgust.

There are certainly those kinds of cock rings out there. Any search for images will produce a lot of grotesque contraptions, virtually guaranteed to make forty-something suburban women like myself turn pale with horror. So it’s no wonder that the very idea of a cock ring has acquired ugly or snicker-worthy overtones in the popular imagination. I even hesitated to bring the subject up in this blog because of those jaw-dropping associations. But you need honesty on this subject, so I’m going to take a deep breath and tell you about a particular kind of cock ring that we found worthwhile.

What my husband found for us (I’m too hopelessly middle class and prissy to enjoy a visit to the sex shop myself) was a super soft, super stretchy silicone thing something like this:
cock ring

Warning: the packaging of these things is inevitably ridiculous and embarrassing. There are usually pictures of pink Pornobabes and/or beige Pornostuds behaving in some peculiar manner, or (worse) disembodied erect penii sporting the contents of the package, accompanied by insanely stupid glow-in-the-dark, disco-era lettering proclaiming things like “Hit Her Hot Spot!” “Clit Nudger!” and the like. It’s not just the cheap leering of the copy I hate, it’s the outdated, winky-winky smarm of the whole merchandising aesthetic. Ugh. Your wife probably won’t like it either, so my advice is to extract the useful item and throw out the trashy packaging before you show it to her.

Notice that this particular kind of cock ring is very low tech. It doesn’t have any vibrators, anal probes, buzzers, flashing lights, belt buckles, leather straps, bells, whistles or spinning mirror balls. Its sole reason for being is to provide soft, squidgy clitoral stimulation during intercourse, because many women’s anatomy makes “hitting her hot spot” difficult. Although there are some techniques of position and thrust that can address the clitoris more directly during “missionary” sex, those positions/methods can also be uncomfortable for some women (putting too much stress on the perineum or rectum, for example) AND requiring strength and effort that some men find difficult to sustain. So it is very helpful to have a more direct kind of “clit nudger” at the base of your penis that will provide some extra stimulation in the more ordinary way of doing business. As a bonus, this stretchy type of cock ring can also be an aid to men who want to sustain a harder erection longer (you put it on after you’re hard).

My first experience with the cock ring was amazing. Oooh, it felt so good, I could finally physically understand some women’s great good luck in having a more conveniently located clitoris. I thought to myself that if it could be that good every time, I’d be much, much more interested in sex.

Alas, that particular night was a peak experience that couldn’t be repeated in all its revelatory perfection (all the best experiences are unique, almost by definition), but using the cock ring regularly did make sex more pleasurable for me and increased my willingness, if only because I am always seeking a repetition of that ideal Moment.

Comments on this post from the original blog.
I’d suggest shopping through online stores, really. You get more selection, and in the better designed sites, you’re not confronted with the packaging. Of course, it still shows up in the box….We’ve had good look online, and bought quite a bit of stuff. Of course, we’re a bit more open to toys for various reasons that probably aren’t worth getting into….I’ve been told that, as far as solo toys for women go, that you can’t beat a Sybian. If you can get over the huge price tag and the, well, highly unusual nature of it. My wife wants one, but she’s shy enough that it’d be a long time, if ever, before I’d be around when she used it.

Morat • 8/19/03; 10:47:48 AM
A few years ago, a friend suggested we check out Good Vibrations ( – it’s a great site, with very helpful people, and it’s not trashy in the slightest. It’s a bit on the tame side, but that might be just the thing for the shy folks. I highly recommend them.

kel • 8/19/03; 11:20:04 AM
What’s a Sybian? (I’m almost afraid to Google it. Heh.)”A bit on the tame side” turns out to be plenty wild enough for this wide-eyed lady.My goodness.

Or badness, as the case may be.


Mrs. Totally Out of Touch

Julia Grey • 8/19/03; 12:00:45 PM
A Sybian is, for lack of a better word, an industrial-strength sex toy. It looks like half a barrel (cut lengthwise) laying on it’s side, with a dildo-looking thing sticking out. It’s made so that it can be comfortably straddled, and the woman uses it in the normal woman-on-top position. What makes it so interesting (and hugely expensive) is that the dildo-looking thing vibrates, thrusts, rotates, and in generally is built to hit every possible spot in every possible way, in a fully adjustable fashion.It’s to vibrators what the space shuttle is to airplanes.

Morat • 8/19/03; 1:53:19 PM
Just to add: It’s really not to most people’s tastes, I’d imagine. Not just the price tag (many people balk at spending a thousand bucks on a sex toy. *grin*), but the actual “sex machine” look and feel. A woman straddles it, and it’s quite a bit like woman-on-top sex…Compared to most sex-machines (those godawful piston and gear driven things) it’s pretty discrete. You don’t see any movement, especially when the woman is on it. It just…hums (the new ones aren’t nearly as loud as the old ones) and the dildo moves a bit.My wife wants one. She’s heard good things about them, is hugely open to that sort of thing, and I’m willing (when I can afford it) to oblige her. I won’t ever be around to watch (she’s shy about regular ole’ hands-on masturbation, for one reason or another) but if it makes her happy, it makes me happy.But I can tell you, right now, that a Sybian is undoubtable way to far out for you. 🙂 Which isn’t a bad thing, really. Having an open mind and trying new things is great, but so is knowing your limitations.

Morat • 8/19/03; 1:59:43 PM
Hmm. Never heard of one of these Sybian gadgets either. I admit I might be a little reluctant to buy my wife “the greatest sex toy” she’s ever had. (So to speak) But if, per chance the bots index comments as well as your regular blog, you just might be onto something…?regards – rich

rich • 8/19/03; 6:10:49 PM
One other thing BTW. If you ever play Scrabble with me prepare yourself to be “called” on “Penii”. An “A” for creativity though – beats “clit nudger” everytime.

rich • 8/19/03; 6:16:06 PM
prepare yourself to be “called” on “Penii”It was meant to be funny! You mean it WASN’T?!?

Julia Grey • 8/20/03; 8:26:14 AM
I think I took too much Latin in high school. “Penii” brought back bad memories, and caused me to start muttering declinitions under my breath.

Morat • 8/20/03; 11:08:34 AM
Aren’t they called “declensions”?Heh.

Julia Grey • 8/20/03; 1:04:14 PM
Probably. 🙂 My spelling is pretty bad too, and Latin was a long, long time ago. I’m pretty sure that conjugations are for verbs, though…:)

Morat • 8/20/03; 1:08:15 PM
Good on ya for the cock ring recommendation. We find the ones with the vibrators in ’em fun too! (As long as anything below is behind the scrotum, to me a vibrator in front of the scrotum feels like I’m getting kicked 60 times a second…).Along with Good Vibrations, there are stores in other major metropolitan areas that sell sex toys without the gawdawful tacky packaging. Toys in Babeland up in Seattle is nicely understated, and I’m under the impression that there are similarly classy stores in Boston and more recently New York (everything comes late to Manhattan, but don’t tell ’em I said that…).

And of course here in Northern California there are actually a bunch of other boutiques that make an effort to be less oriented around the “silicone enhanced oiled body” packaging.

I’ve never seen a Sybian in use, but on one of the many mailing lists I follow someone pointed out that while there are women who want that much stimulation, it seems that men who want women who want that much stimulation are the primary audience for the machine.

Hasn’t stopped a couple of us, male and female, into robotics and mechanics from talking about possible enhancements and variations… I’ve got a couple of ideas that I need to borrow a friend’s shop to cut some metal for, but that’s not going to happen ’til after everyone’s back from Burning Man… And I need to find a good source for food or medical grade platinum cure silicone…

Dan Lyke • 8/20/03; 3:39:54 PM
it seems that men who want women who want that much stimulation are the primary audience for the machineThat thought crossed my mind, too. It’s in that gray area in my mind. Since I write a blog like this I have a little exhibitionism in my soul, so that hint of voyeurism in the use of toys shouldn’t bother me, but somehow it does.When I thought about it, I realized that it was probably the machine part of it that bothered me, the thrill of watching a woman’s interaction with “platinum cure silicone,” and not just the zing of watching someone excite themselves sexually. The idea of a man watching a woman masturbating the old-fashioned way doesn’t bother me at all (and can be downright oooh) but the idea of a man getting all excited while watching a woman ride a soulless bucking bronco sex machine makes me come up with goosebumps of Ugh.

I’m not sure why. Putting the machine in there just changes the whole dynamic somehow. Maybe because I think it is encouraging men to believe that female response is (or they believe it ideally should be) just a matter pushing the right buttons on the female anatomy.

I don’t know. It’s an interesting problem. I’ll think some more on it.

Julia Grey • 8/21/03; 10:13:14 AM
I have to admit, I worried about that myself. I’m not terribly voyueristic in any sense, but I don’t want to be buying her something that, in my head, is really for me. Luckily, she’s more or less rendered that a moot worry. And given her difficulties finding a job (damn No Child Left Behind Act), it’s not like it’s anything that’s going to happen soon. :)As for female response…I don’t pretend to understand what gets my wife in the mood, or what turns her on. I do my best, but female excitement remains something of a mystery to me. On the other hand, I know what she likes and (according to her) do an absolutely superb job of it. (Yes, that’s bragging. BRAG BRAG BRAG). It doesn’t hurt that she’s not shy about giving feedback (quick tip here: If it’s not doing anything for you, don’t fake it in an attempt to ‘get it over with’. Us guys will believe you like it, and keep doing it every time).Of course, she doesn’t really understand what puts me in the mood, and often shakes her head at the wide variety of little things that can push me from disinterest to chasing her around the house….

Morat • 8/21/03; 10:29:18 AM
(quick tip here: If it’s not doing anything for you, don’t fake it in an attempt to ‘get it over with’. Us guys will believe you like it, and keep doing it every time).Excellent point. Faking orgasm, in particular, is a totally no-win proposition.

But that said, you guys have to do your part on this, too. If she senses that you’re going to get really bent out of shape if she doesn’t come, that you might take it as a challenge and redouble your grim, workmanlike efforts to “make” it happen, that constitutes pressure on her to fake it. Sometimes it’s hard to find just the right balance between a nice concern that she enjoys herself and an attempt to validate your manhood by producing Results from her flesh.

Julia Grey • 8/21/03; 11:02:16 AM

All Technique Pages: Technique 1 : Technique 2 : Technique 3 : Technique 4 : Technique 5


3 Responses to “Technique 4”

  1. Noli Irritare Leones » Blog Archive » If I can’t foxtrot, I don’t want to be in your revolution Says:

    […] or even following the advice Julia Grey gives at Why Your Wife Won’t Have Sex With You, and using a cock ring that touches your clit while you’re having PIV sex, would likely be more […]

  2. Trevor Says:

    Sure, tried that… she came so good she didn’t want sex again for two weeks… not to mention the guilt that she felt about the dirtyness ‘down there’.

  3. x1134x Says:

    Would be great if my penis didn’t bottom out hitting her cervix on the inside before the base of my penis is anywhere close to her vagina.

    I guess maybe if I wore 5 of them.

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