Distraction

Women seem to have a tendency to subsume their libidos beneath their daily activities and mental lives, but this isn’t a deliberate process. It was probably adaptive in early human societies, when the tribe relied on women’s ability to maintain a an unwavering focus on a huge number of small daily details: caring for infants or watching young children; gathering, preparing and preserving food; creating and maintaining clothing and other possessions; and — perhaps most important of all — understanding and manipulating the society’s structures and cultural mechanisms to ensure the best for themselves and their children.

Given that their survival and that of their offspring might have depended on whether their sexual desires intruded too much on that focus, it’s not hard to believe that women might be somehow “hardwired” to lose interest in sex in direct proportion to the demands their daily lives make on their mental and physical resources. Thus, for women, a busy schedule or sustained intellectual focus, in which their attention is constantly caught or centered on non-erotic or even anti-erotic details, can significantly (if in most cases temporarily) diminish their interest in sex.

This might seem absolutely alien to you. You probably see sex as a natural upwelling of urgent desire that is automatic and virtually unstoppable in any “normal” person, and for you sexual activity is likely to be something that can both relax and invigorate you when you’re stressed out. You might even tend to want it more when you’ve had a tough day or have a lot on your mind. Many women, however, don’t see it that way at all — and it’s not because they’re “abnormal.”

This is not to say that in order to preserve their libidos women Shouldn’t Trouble Their Pretty Heads about anything important. What it does mean is that they — and you — have to understand and be vigilant about potential distractions. Although there isn’t much you can do about many of the demands that life makes on your wife, you might be able to fix some little things that are focusing her attention on the non-sexual aspects of her life.

There are two different kinds of distractions that can diminish your wife’s enthusiasm and enjoyment of sex: distractions in the bedroom, in and around the act, and what might be called “free-floating” distraction.

Discomfort, as I noted last week, is only one of the bedroom distractions that can undermine your sexual relationship. While having a TV in the bedroom is a luxury many of us wouldn’t want to do without — and I have to confess that we have one — it can be a real problem for your sex life.

First of all, when your wife becomes involved in a television program, she’s likely to find your sexual overtures an irritant, because you are probably being perceived as “intruding” on her enjoyment of the show. Even though you really want to have more sex, would you always be willing to stop watching the Big Exciting Game if your wife wanted to have sex right that minute? Be honest.

At the very least, when you start to have sex, turn the TV off. I can remember an incident from my early marriage when my husband somehow seemed completely oblivious to the television blaring news of death and destruction while he was making love to me. It was as if he couldn’t hear it. But I could, and a steady stream of bloody and infuriating details in the background was not an enhancement to my erotic enjoyment.

There is one tricky area of bedroom distractions that is sometimes difficult to resolve one way or the other. Some women, especially when their libidos have lost some steam, find many of the sounds of sexual activity distracting and off-putting. Others, of course, find them exciting, and still others — perhaps the majority — find them distracting at some points in the process and exciting at others. Thus arise the horns of a dilemma. So to speak.

The major distraction factor in sexual sounds for many women is the idea that other people in the household or building can hear them (children, inlaws, people in neighboring apartments). This is one of the reasons why many women are more enthusiastic in hotel rooms, where anyone who might hear them is a stranger, so they feel free to make all the noise they want (and this particular freedom can really loosen up some women).

But since most of us can’t hop off to the Holiday Inn three times a week, you might try to disguise the noise somewhat with music or, better, a white noise generator. White noise is ideal because it doesn’t carry connotative elements like lyrics or emotional associations. While music can be a significant enhancement to your experience, it can also initiate thoughts and feelings that will interfere with your wife’s ability to stay with you erotically. And white noise can help you both sleep better, too.

The sound of air being expelled from the vagina is an amusing but mood-destroying noise, but there are ways to minimize these poofy explosions. The first I’ve already discussed: lubrication. A smooth sliding seal between the penis and the vagina will help to prevent air moving in or out. Don’t repeatedly draw all the way out (or even out to the vaginal vestibule) and then thrust in, as that will drive in air in with every stroke. Sometimes, however, the accumulation of air in the vagina during intercourse is inevitable, especially when the internal architecture has been altered or loosened by childbirth or aging. In those cases, the tooting can only be disguised by ambient noise or music.

Other sex noises can be minimized by attention to the physical environment in which you have sex. If the bed squeaks, oil or tighten the bolts that attach the headboard or legs. And if the springs of your coil mattress are protesting, isn’t it time to get a new mattress?

You might be thinking: Picky, picky, picky. All these silly details. Why does sex have to be such a Production? Can’t we just do it and have fun? Well, sure, and most sexually happy couples do, most of the time. But if sex is now something of a battleground between you, wishing that a miraculous sex fairy would zap your wife with a magic wand and turn her into a happy-go-lucky sex maniac is not a realistic approach to your problem.

The fun can come back — it came back for me — but a lot of changes and lousy thinking and, yes, picky little DETAILS had to be addressed before I got there. And to be frank, my husband’s willingness to address those petty details, to actively try to please and soothe me when we had sex (and at other times), went a long way toward reviving my erotic interest.

“Worms, Roxanne!”

One of the delights of Cyrano de Bergerac, so charmingly updated in the movie Roxanne (1987), is that the hero wins his lady fair (albeit by proxy at first) with the power of words. In the movie, handsome chucklehead Chris is so verbally bereft that when our hero C.D. tries to get him to tell Roxanne that he is shy and “afraid of words,” Chris can’t even grasp what he’s saying, and shouts instead that he is afraid of “Worms, Roxanne! I’m afraid of worms!”

A lot of men aren’t afraid of words, exactly, but they do have problems knowing when and where to use them, and which ones to deploy in their own interests. The things you say (or don’t say) in bed (and elsewhere) can have a bigger impact on your sex life than you ever imagined. It is, alas, tragically easy to turn a woman’s mind away from sexual warmth to cold irritation with the wrong words.

Many women like to be whispered to or murmured at when they’re in bed. Heroes of romance novels are always demonstrating their preternatural suavity by saying Just The Right Thing at Just the Right Time in the sack. On the other hand, there are many women who find anything overtly verbal a distraction from their physical sensations, because they have to process the input through their language centers.

So maybe you should either back off on certain verbal habits or experiment a little. Pay attention to her reaction, or even ask her — NOT when you are actually in bed, please — whether she likes the talk you talk.

In general, even women who enjoy very rough talk when they’re deep in the throes of passion (and many don’t. At All. Ever.) still prefer sweeter, softer words when they’re getting warmed up. If you start right in on the “fucks” and other down-there raunch before she has a chance to really get into the swing of things, you are likely to turn her off.

Stick with romantic nothings at first: praise for her beauty, exclamations over her wonderful nature, and declarations of undying affection. Keep it simple and believable, though. “Your breasts are so beautiful.” “You really turn me on.” And, of course, the basic “I love you so much” is almost always a winner.

But — this is critical — you do have to mean whatever you say. Women are usually very sensitive to expressive nuance. If you’re just plotting strategy and rotely mouthing recommended phrases (like Chris the Clueless), I can almost guarantee they will fail. Or even backfire. She’ll know.

So, in the end, if it is just totally against your basic nature to talk when you’re hot to trot, maybe you shouldn’t try it.

Environmental Distractions

Like much else that I’ve talked about since the beginning, the minor bedroom distractions I’m going to outline today will probably be considered ridiculous or irrelevant by many a red-blooded and lusty man who couldn’t be distracted from his need for sex by the Last Trump, but you should still give them some thought.

In the next chapter we’re going to start down a steeper road, looking at some more complex and challenging reasons for women’s reluctance to have sex with their husbands. There’s no sense in making the journey ahead even more difficult by leaving the easy things unfixed. We need to pump up the tires, check the oil, and make sure the brakes work before we put the car in gear. So, on to the bedroom.

Dark or light?
Although you probably don’t care for complete darkness, because it deprives you of visual pleasures, your wife is not likely to enjoy having sex under stark bright light, especially not a bare overhead lightbulb or — heaven forfend — a flourescent tube. The harsh dark shadows created by downward light make you both look older (and meaner) than you really are, and the way it picks out all the details of skin and hair texture might give even the most attractive woman the feeling that she is participating in a porn film.

The best bedroom lighting is very low (to induce attractive dilated pupils and make the room seem more private) and, ideally, PINK. Pink or coral light imparts a rosy glow to you both which tends to disguise your imperfections and encourage sensual thoughts. You can get pink lightbulbs or cover your lampshades with red or pink cloths. Try it! (Some people like red or dark rose walls in the bedroom to obtain some of the same “rose-colored glasses” effect.)

Complete darkness can also be a thrill of its own, especially for her, because women’s libidos are not as visually oriented as men’s, and a completely dark room allows the greatest latitude for her mind to imaginatively enhance the experience. But I’m not sure I would recommend it as a steady diet, since it can have a “distancing” effect for some couples, and over time she could become so habituated to it that it might make her too self-conscious to have sex in lighted situtations.

Bower of love or garbage heap?
Many women can be significantly distracted by a cluttered or dirty bedroom, either because they feel guilty for not cleaning it up, or because it rebukes their ideal of a romantic ambiance. If she’s thinking about how she should have changed the sheets or if she’s depressed by the dirty glasses and used tissues next to the bed, she might not be able to relax enough to enjoy sex.

This is yet another reason many women feel sexier in hotel rooms — they not only carry an inherently more erotic or romantic connotation than the boring old home bedroom, but they are usually very clean and reasonably attractive. Perhaps most important of all, a woman feels no responsibility for its decoration or maintenance, so they’re less likely to be distracted by thoughts of household chores that have been left undone.

Freeze or burn?
The bedroom should also be a reasonable temperature. It’s common for couples to disagree about how warm the bedroom should be, but you might think more seriously about compromise. If there is only one room in the house that can be air-conditioned, it should be the bedroom. Few women enjoy the prospect of being covered with a hot body when they’re already feeling stifled and sticky. On the other hand, a woman who is chilled, or whose partner is trying to touch her with freezing hands, will generally take longer to respond.

These are the remarks that were posted in response to this post on my original blog.

Really. I don’t want to send hate mail, and I am sure you are authentic but the happy conjugal bed is way beyound sounds and smells and distraction. Passion knows no bounds. Yes there may come a time in a relationship where staring at the ceiling seems more important but that only means you have lost interest (for whatever reason). The blame game can be played by both sides. If it isn’t good it isn’t good end of story… can there be good and bad in a relationship of course… but from my point of view if you are not thinking about sex but making it happen then farts vagina puffs sweat etc is all part of the moment. You don’t judge you do…

Your BLOG has a catchy moniker but the premise is condescending. You have a certain set of opinions and are putting them out there, but it has nothing to do with sex, it all has to do with your inability to find satisfaction and fulfilment in your marriage.

A marriage is more than sex but sex is more than a marriage at the same time. I’ve kissed women and not been there and I have kissed women who were not there…. You go through the motions or not. But when you have magic when your mind stops and nothing else matters that is what it is all about.

My partner doesn’t want to do it? Why would I even try? You married someone who couldn’t see the forest for the trees? I’m sorry, shit happens…. You can teach an old dog new tricks provided you have the patience and the care to do so, otherwise put it in the pound and leave it to someone else who cares.

Keep on writing but so far nothing rings true for me. It seems to be an apology, an excuse, it isn’t real in any sense that I understand.

Love/passion is beyond morning mouth, it consumes and banishes all reason. If you want something else go for it…… But don’t try and explain why someone doesn’t want to engage in sexual congress. Because when you get to thinking about it then you are on the road to loosing it.

Yes I am a serial monogamist but then again so were my partners. If you can not keep the magic alive then you have to move on. But the magic can be kept and held, far beyound the seven year itch.

Sex happens it cannot be analyzed. Once you start to dissect it it gets down to an exchange of bodily fluids. Or smells or sounds or something besides sex.

Good luck finding your happiness. But I think you are barking up the wrong tree.

Philip

Well, Philip, you’re entitled to your opinion, of course, but frankly I think your otherwise charming romanticism has a lot to do with your “serial monogamy.”I’ve been married to the same man for over 25 years and we’re still getting it on and having fun. We DID have sexual problems, but we worked them out, and a couple of the things I’m talking about or going to talk about here were part of our solution.

I’ve also talked to a lot of other women about these matters over the years (which is where I got the many ideas that were never a problem for us), and they have been almost unanimous in saying that their husbands’ carelessness about the (admittedly sometimes petty) things that mattered to them were a large part of their loss of interest in having sex with them.

It’s naive to believe that a “normal” woman should “just want it” the way men do, and it is tragic to believe that there is nothing her husband can do if she doesn’t.

So forgive me if I don’t accept your fantasy that it’s possible to have a lifetime of thoughtless, “magical” sex that “just happens.” The idea that “thinking about it”, that trying to figure out and respond to your partner’s needs and feelings, somehow ruins love and sexual enjoyment is — not to put too fine a point on it — downright childish.

Julia Grey

O.K. I’l chime in. I and my sweeite (read wife) have sex about 6 times a month. And it’s gooood! Don’t like to write about this stuff because it’s, well, personal. But what? Are we the only couple out there having a good time? Am I just a lucky guy? I don’t get it. I just don’t understand.

rich pure & simple

Forgot to add – we’ve been togther since high school – 29 years. So there!

rich pure & simple

Your a lucky man. I am lucky to get it 6 times a year. Enjoy it while you can!!!

Darby

Okay, so I have read up to this point and kept my thoughts to myself, but I can now see that it is time to post a comment or three. I am glad that councilling worked for you and the husband, if it truly did.

One what you are posting from this woman’s point of view is a boxload of horse crap. First of all, there are phermones contained in the sweat of men that cause relaxation in women. Yes, there is vertifible medical research that proves this.

Two, white noise of any level and for any lenght of time has been known to produce headaches in the majority of women that were tested using it for insomnia.

Three, so far you have forgotten to mention the most obvious and most ignored reason that women don’t want to have sex with their husbands. That would be a mismatched sex drive. It has nothing to do with anything else. I know this for a fact because I am currently going thru the search for a new lover. The reason is very simple, I cannot find one with a high enough sex drive. It can become a very impossible situation when two partners sex drive vary greatly.

Oh, and you say you are very happy. How is the Husband and does he agree with your accessment? Just how sure are you that he isn’t happy because he is “getting a little strange on the side” and has you at home too?

Lynn

We never went to counseling. For what that’s worth. Frankly, I have my doubts about the efficacy of professional counseling for sexual problems, and I will talk about my reservations later.

First of all, there are phermones contained in the sweat of men that cause relaxation in women. Yes, there is vertifible medical research that proves this.

Yes, but the pheremones themselves do not have any noticeable scent. The experiment you’re referring to used extracts that had no discernable smell, much less a B.O. smell.

Two, white noise of any level and for any lenght of time has been known to produce headaches in the majority of women that were tested using it for insomnia.

Could you provide a cite for this? Never heard that, and I’m pretty hip to this stuff.

Oh, and you say you are very happy. How is the Husband and does he agree with your accessment?

Here, let me ask him….

Yep, he says he’s happy too.

(eye roll)

Just how sure are you that he isn’t happy because he is “getting a little strange on the side” and has you at home too?

I’m sure. What else can I say?

You seem kind of …angry… about something. Something having to do with this problem I’m talking about. I wonder why.

Julia Grey

Comments have reminded me of one of my favorite jokes: Two old guys sitting on a park bench. One old guy nudges the other, “Gettin’ any on the side lately?” Other old guy gives startled look, “I ain’t had any in so long, I didn’t know they’d moved it.”

Steve

I have to say I really dislike TV in the bedroom, if there is going to be music bad 70s music which for some reason a lot of guys seem to like isn’t my idea of a good time. I like quiet. I am one of those women who doesn’t like a lot of light. I like if all my work around the house is in order before bedtime, the dishes are done, the dinner is put away, and things are neat. The best time I ever had in bed there was no TV.
Another thing is timeing, what is with this wakeing someone up out of a dead sleep? If you the man would not like to be wakened for sex from a dead sleep don’t do it to your woman! I had that problem with my former husband and the guy I go with now. It is really annoying, and quite bad manners. The Golden Rule applies.
Once I did it to my former husband He’d developed an erection in his sleep and I inititated things and OH how mad he was! He was livid!
But he did the same thing to me all the time.

Nur • 10/23/05; 9:31:11 PM
please I have a major problem with my low sex drive and I would like to summit my letter for any help anyone could give me but I dont know where to send it, can anyone please answer me.

Robin • 11/9/06; 4:10:38 PM
Was Lynn a man or woman? In my twenties I dated for several years a woman with a higher sex drive than my own. That was the best sex of my life – until she cheated on me – should have seen that one coming!!
Anyway, now married to a woman with a lower sex drive than my own. I’m patient. I masturbate. So it goes.. Hopefully this site will help.

MonkeyMan • 8/5/07; 4:08:42 AM

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The other “Details” pages are: Disgust and Discomfort.

23 Responses to “Distraction”

  1. huge anderson Says:

    This is the first time
    i visited your blog came to know of it through a friend of miner . The qaulity of the posts on this site is simply amazing .
    I ll be waiting for some more great posts.

  2. Mike Says:

    Personally i think Lynn and Phillip are typical men. They probably thought and thought about what you have written and came up with their own selfish philosophies. I would love to see Phillips magical sex woman who can get into the mood if the room is trashed, he hasnt showered, the tv is on, the light is on, and the kids are in the room next door. And Lynn who will only have sex with a woman with equal or greater sex drive. That is downright selfish. As a man my greatest desire in life is to please my wife IN EVERYTHING. If she doesnt want to have sex i dont move on i find out why and fix it. They say a way to a mans heart is through his privates and a way to a womans privates is through her heart. Its a constant trade off throught out life. The secret is to maintain balance. If you want to have sex and shes not in the mood. Well get her in the mood. Dont move on or expect something. Im rambling now but i want to finish by saying your advice is great. My wife is completely satisfied.

  3. Don Says:

    A few things here,

    First off, there isn’t much here I can’t disagree with, and yet there’s something that isn’t sitting right with me. I’ve talked a little about the problem with Little Things and how uninterested wives can use them to stall sex indefinitely. It’s too hot. Now it’s too dark. Now it’s not clean enough. Now it’s this. Now it’s that. There’s a very fine line between being disinterested via minor fixable distractions and LOOKING for things to be distracted about.

    The other problem with this is her distractions now become my distractions. Now they become another avenue of stress and anxiety for me and another avenue of complaint and disappointment for her when they aren’t done right. And now I’m denied because I’m stressed and anxious and probably incompetent in her eyes. Any erotic gain in one respect is lost in another and we’re back at square one. No human being is able to do this indefinitely and remain happy.

    In short, there are a lot of guys out there who have been in sexless marriages for years, who are already juggling innumerable ‘little things’ at the request of their uninterested wives and STILL get nothing (or next to nothing) back for it. Asking them to take on even more isn’t going to be met with any less than the outright hostility that Julia seems to find so puzzling.

    More pertinent for men here is to drop the focus on having sex with their wives for now and focus more on building up themselves as people. This seems to be counter-intuitive, but the real point here is to shift your self-esteem from something your wife supplies to something that’s self-generated. That will mean, if anything, to be more purposefully self-centred (but not selfish). If there’s a consistent problem that men on here do have is that they put so much of their self-worth and self-esteem into the attraction that their wives express for them. This is why they are so crushed and angry and it’s such a crisis when they get consistently rejected and ignored.

    In my own case, I took chronic rejection from my wife as a living testament to my inherent awfulness as a man. I felt this way for years, and it bled into virtually every aspect of my life. It affected my relationship as a husband and father, it affected my career, my family, virtually everything. Before long I ceased being the person my wife fell in love with and was attracted to, and became someone whose sole focus was to get his wife in the mood for sex. EVERYTHING in my life hinged upon it, and when it didn’t happen, it was a fundamental failure of myself as a man and a husband and I would lash angrily out because, well, what was the point now? My wife doesn’t want to have sex with me so why should I care if I upset her? It took a lot of intensive soul-searching to convince that I wasn’t a bad man, that I was worthy of love and sexual satisfaction and if my wife couldn’t appreciate that, then there are plenty of women out there who will.

    And for wives that may be reading this, please keep in mind that it’s not that I don’t love and care for my wife. And while it’s not her fault that my self-esteem was destroyed because she stopped having sex me, she needs to understand the interplay between sex and love and marriage. At some point in this stalemate, I need to know what I can reasonably expect from her sexually without trotting out numerous conditions. And while I’m willing to create a romantic environment, even without an immediate sexual payoff, building an increasingly elaborate house of cards that any slight tremor or an errant breeze can topple over can have an equally detrimental effect on a marriage that a romantic drought can.

    Long story short, I’m willing to REASONABLY build romance and attraction AS LONG AS I know where I am at in my intimate relationship with my wife. I’m not looking for firm contracts where if I do X, then I expect Y, but a barometer of our sex life where any problems are openly discussed and my wife makes REASONABLE efforts to pay attention to my sexual needs. No, I don’t expect hot and cold running sex whenever I want it, but I should be able to initiate sex without a long, gut-wrenching, hand-wringing display that usually accompanies it.

    • Helgan Says:

      Amen brother! You should start your own blog. That is exactly how I feel, we try because we care but to much rejection is just that. I don’t mind sharing the load and doing my part it really feels like she’s just making excuses and then rushing to get it over with. But if he question is : how can we fix this ! ?

  4. Don Says:

    A few things here,

    First off, there isn’t much here I can’t disagree with, and yet there’s something that isn’t sitting right with me. I’ve talked a little about the problem with Little Things and how uninterested wives can use them to stall sex indefinitely. It’s too hot. Now it’s too dark. Now it’s not clean enough. Now it’s this. Now it’s that. There’s a very fine line between being disinterested via minor fixable distractions and LOOKING for things to be distracted about.

    The other problem with this is her distractions now become my distractions. Now they become another avenue of stress and anxiety for me and another avenue of complaint and disappointment for her when they aren’t done right. And now I’m denied because I’m stressed and anxious and probably incompetent in her eyes. Any erotic gain in one respect is lost in another and we’re back at square one. No human being is able to do this indefinitely and remain happy.

    In short, there are a lot of guys out there who have been in sexless marriages for years, who are already juggling innumerable ‘little things’ at the request of their uninterested wives and STILL get nothing (or next to nothing) back for it. Asking them to take on even more isn’t going to be met with any less than the outright hostility that Julia seems to find so puzzling.

    More pertinent for men here is to drop the focus on having sex with their wives for now and focus more on building up themselves as people. This seems to be counter-intuitive, but the real point here is to shift your self-esteem from something your wife supplies to something that’s self-generated. That will mean, if anything, to be more purposefully self-centred (but not selfish). If there’s a consistent problem that men on here do have is that they put so much of their self-worth and self-esteem into the attraction that their wives express for them. This is why they are so crushed and angry and it’s such a crisis when they get consistently rejected and ignored.

    The point is you’ll be far more emotionally able to handle rejection when it happens, and you’ll be able to move on with confidence if things don’t work out.

    In my own case, I took chronic rejection from my wife as a living testament to my inherent awfulness as a man. I felt this way for years, and it bled into virtually every aspect of my life. It affected my relationship as a husband and father, it affected my career, my family, virtually everything. Before long I ceased being the person my wife fell in love with and was attracted to, and became someone whose sole focus was to get his wife in the mood for sex. EVERYTHING in my life hinged upon it, and when it didn’t happen, it was a fundamental failure of myself as a man and a husband and I would lash angrily out because, well, what was the point now? My wife doesn’t want to have sex with me so why should I care if I upset her? It took a lot of intensive soul-searching to convince that I wasn’t a bad man, that I was worthy of love and sexual satisfaction and if my wife couldn’t appreciate that, then there are plenty of women out there who will.

    And for wives that may be reading this, please keep in mind that it’s not that I don’t love and care for my wife. And while it’s not her fault that my self-esteem was destroyed because she stopped having sex me, she needs to understand the interplay between sex and love and marriage.

    At some point in this stalemate, I need to know what I can reasonably expect from her sexually without trotting out numerous conditions. And while I’m willing to create a romantic environment, even without an immediate sexual payoff, building an increasingly elaborate house of cards that any slight tremor or an errant breeze can topple over can have an equally detrimental effect on a marriage that a romantic drought can.

    Long story short, I’m willing to REASONABLY build romance and attraction AS LONG AS I know where I am at in my intimate relationship with my wife. I’m not looking for firm contracts where if I do X, then I expect Y, but a barometer of our sex life where any problems are openly discussed and my wife makes REASONABLE efforts to pay attention to my sexual needs. No, I don’t expect hot and cold running sex whenever I want it, but I should be able to initiate sex without a long, gut-wrenching, hand-wringing display that usually accompanies it.

    • Ralphy Says:

      Don,

      Very well said. I agree whole heartedly. The wife and I have had sex once a year for the last 2 years. I’m becoming very much concerned about the situation (which is what brought be to this site in the first place). Your post could have been pulled right out of my own brain. I couldn’t have said it better myself. Of course, you may have gone further down this road than me because it sounds like you have come to a point of acceptance to the situation. I, for one, haven’t gotten there yet. Your post gave me some good tips to move on though and maybe put less focus and effort towards trying to get my wife in the sack and more effort towards improving my life in other ways.

      I would like to add to the discussion that, I don’t LIKE being so dependent on sex. I really don’t. I HATE the power that the female body has over us men. I personally just wish I could turn it off like a light switch. Since the wife has a low sex drive, let her dictate when we have sex, then I can somehow “magically” turn on the drive again. If there were a magic pill to do that, I’d be in line for my first dose today. Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE sex. What guy doesn’t. I just hate feeling like I NEED sex like I need a good drink of water in the desert but I’m not able to have it. My wife won’t provide it for me and I’m not allowed to get it elsewhere. I’m trapped. I resort to “alone time” with the internet, but then I feel guilty for going that route because I’m sure it upsets my wife that I watch and fantasize about other women. Plus, what kind of example is that setting for my son? What’s a man to do?

  5. Nuf Says:

    Don,
    I could not have said it better, Thanks

  6. Lee Says:

    Reading this blog I am getting a little sad. Is sex all that men ever think about? Does a mans life really just boil down to “how do I get my wife to fuck me”. That is so base. I am glad that I am teaching my daughter to be her own woman, get a good education, a good job that will buy you what you need and want, her own path. I don’t want her to be dependent on any man, let alone one who in any way resembles these posters. Yuck.

    Hey, and if you don’t like being dependent on sex it is called discipline. Get a hobby, jog, workout, yoga, do some meditation. A woman’s body only holds the power that you choose to give it. I love a lot of things but I don’t let them rule my life.

    • Helgan Says:

      Wow Lee, I’m not trying to insult you, but you just refuse to get it. Men marry a woman, love her and is only allowed to be the other this one woman and if she constantly tells him no, what is he to do? But if he goes else where he’s a dog or typical man. When a woman cheats every woman says it’s his fault she wasn’t happy so the woman is never responsible. I have a daughter and I teach her to be secure sufficient but when she is older I will also teach her that when she marries a man keep him happy and he won’t stray (if he’s a good man) for the most common art a good amount of the men on this Site DON’T want another woman. And in closing, what is wrong with a man wanting sex from his wife?

  7. Michael Says:

    I’m a pretty self-confident guy. People are always coming to me to solve their problems. It’s assumed that I have my life figured out. Indeed, being right and having everything figured out (in my marriage, career, morality, etc.) is a strong part of my self-identity as well. That’s why it’s difficult for me to admit to myself, and others, that there is an issue with my sex life. I don’t like talking about issues that I don’t have solutions for.

    With that context, your blog has inspired me. Everything I have read from you has rung true with me. Much of it has righteously shamed me into realizing how childish some of my perspectives on the matter have been. Where before I felt paralyzed, I now feel powerful.

    It doesn’t make sense that this is free. Do you take donations?

  8. jb Says:

    and women wonder why mean cheat???????????

  9. Trevor Says:

    Tried the above already, no dice. How is it even possible to make a time and place with a wife who will only consent to being alone with her husband when she’s too tired to do something that she’d rather do, like shop and spend his hard-earned money?

    Reading on… hoping to find something that I haven’t tried in good faith…

  10. Anonymous Says:

    As a wife of ten years, I am going to go ahead and say something regarding a trend I have noticed in the comments on this blog from the men. You all are standing in a woman’s blog, someone who is giving you insight and perspective into female sexuality, and everyone of you are pretty much complaining about there not being the singular cure all for a woman’s sexuality. Yes, sometimes women have lower sex drives, but what you all forget and neglect to understand is that you expect us to be like you. For most of us, sex was either something only bad women have (see slut shaming) or something amazing that will literally shatter the space time continuum if done just right. Then, we have sex and it’s neither. Now, my husband and I have some pretty fantastic sex from time to time, but there are problems, anyways. I physically do not need as much sex as he does. For him it is a deeply emotional thing. I try to be honest with him about my feelings, but sometimes (usually) he assumes it’s because he isn’t what I want, which couldn’t be farther than the truth. Everytime he says that may be the sole reason my vagina isn’t permanently attached to his penis, it infuriates me. Guess what the chances of me getting romantically or sexually inclined are when I’m in that state? Zero. Looking at this site, I do find myself nodding to much of it. I don’t like having sex, or even masturbating, when there is company sleeping upstairs. Hearing children play at the neighbors house kills my mood. Hearing my kids fighting will knock me out of a sexual haze in a heartbeat. Too much fragrance in an area, or too much stink. Little irritations that build up over the course of the day. But according to all these angry, resentful men, our feelings should not impact our desire for them. We are not you. We do not experience desire the way you do. And btw, expecting us to, or saying that if we aren’t going to spread on what you consider the appropriate schedule that we should let you fuck other people? Does that mean if you can’t meet our emotional needs outside (and in) the bedroom you should let us find other guys to fulfill those needs? Or are yours so significantly more important than ours. Because if they are? Maybe you shouldn’t have tried for am adult relationship in the first place.
    And for the record, I don’t resent men. I resent entitled asshats who think that they shouldn’t have to do anything to accommodate their wife and that all allowances should involve her legs being spread.
    Oh, btw, pick up your laundry and put it in the hamper, you might find her so shocked, she jumps on you.

    • Tomsmith Says:

      Really you are completely misguided here. Don’t worry about whether you are turned on or not- just have sex with your husband because men (unlike women) are unable to bear not having sex with the woman who is their mate. It will either break him into pieces emotionally, or he will withdraw into porn and fantasy and shrivel as a person, or he will cheat. This is all that can happen with a man in this situation and it is a uniquely hurtful thing for any man to bear. And it will happen quickly, within weeks of sex being withdrawn. Why would you do that to someone you supposedly love?

      Either learn to cater to his sex drive because it is a burning and undeniable physical reality to nearly all men, or release him from the prison you have constructed. Don’t piss around trying to get him to do little things for you to put you in the mood because the most sexual woman in the world will never be in the mood enough for even the average man. Male sexuality is about being in control and about having a lot of sex supplied by their partner whenever they need it. Otherwise they feel as if the world has ended for their relationship. Men feel about sex the way women feel about being provided for and protected, it is a visceral need.

      If you hear a loud noise downstairs in the night who do you expect to go and investigate? It is the man in your life that takes this role in the relationship. You wouldn’t accept him asking you to do it, would you? It wouldn’t work for the relationship. Same with loading the trailer, changing the flat tire, fixing the fence, going to work for his whole life and giving the proceeds to his woman and children. Similarly the female is a provider of sex on tap in any healthy relationship. Women need to accept that biological reality if they want a full time man in their lives and stop trying to make him something he is not.

  11. Tomsmith Says:

    Male/female human relationships evolved around the provision of the things each party absolutely required and couldn’t do without. Men need sex and to reproduce. Women (in the past) required protection and stuff. Women provided sex and offspring to men in exchange for protection and stuff. This is how we evolved. Even though society has now crippled the fundamental physical reality of male/female relations, the genes in all of us were selected back when that relationship was a matter of survival and those drives are still as strong today as they ever were. You can’t work against that and attempting to do so is a denial of reality.

  12. Tomsmith Says:

    Why does this blog seem to want the man to stay in the relationship when his fundamental needs as a man are not being met and are unlikely ever to be met judging by advice given? Wouldn’t it be better for everyone if he or you left the relationship? Just tell him straight if you aren’t interested in sex any more and the relationship is over, it is far less cruel. He isn’t with you because he wants a friend; he wants a sexual partner.

    Here is an analogy for any women reading this: If a psychopath violently attacks you in the street what do you expect your husband to do if he is present? How do you feel if he doesn’t intervene and leaves you to fight off the attack alone. or allows you to be beaten, robbed, raped? Isn’t it just implicit that it is a man’s job in the relationship to attempt to protect his family, no matter what? Where is the relationship for you if he isn’t prepared to do this job anymore? I think you probably do expect your husband to be prepared to die for you and your children should the need arise. You will probably feel that something is missing if he isn’t ready to do this for you.

    Similarly where is the relationship if the woman is no longer prepared to provide sex when her man requires it? This is why men take it so badly. It is part of the implicit female role in the relationship to provide sex.when required. If this is withdrawn it feels like a knife to the heart. It is unbearable for any man.

  13. Anonymous Says:

    Good lord, bunch of cry babies in here…

    • Navpreet Singh Says:

      Damn rite…. Tom.smith and high time women should analyse ths situation…. Why should any woman strive to hard to justify against this motion… Its not a crime to love ur husband sexually strenthegning the emotional.bond and also it will forever make him steady nd he will never look left right for such things outside his marriage… And yeah ppl here have put forth right arguements and certainly are not cry babies

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  16. Michael Tyler Says:

    In the US, sexuality is a woman’s commodity. Most of them figure out they’ll have to use sex in order to guarantee financial security with a man. Once they have that security, sex is no longer a priority. Rather they must now find ways to keep their husbands distracted or occupied to the point of frustration so he no longer initiates sex because he is simply exhausted. His initial thought process at the start of the marriage is that by accomplishing these meaningless distractions for her, he will be rewarded with sex, It doesn’t happen and he eventually becomes exasperated with her and what is now a pointless relationship. Now he risks complete financial ruin should he decide to leave the marriage in pursuit of sex with a different woman. Children, pets, banal household projects and chores, debt, are all resources women in the US use to maintain CONTROL over their husbands in order to satisfy their social and financial security and desires. Social scientists continue to ponder why the marriage and birth rates are declining in this country. The answer is right in front of them, but both men and women are not truthful in their responses. Men want SEX and women want CONTROL. Sadly the two are at opposite ends of the spectrum.


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