Female sexuality is, on the whole, a delicately balanced business. It might be fair to say that for many women, their libidos ask “why,” when men’s ask “why not?” This is not to say that women’s sexual desires can’t be extremely powerful once they are awakened, but it often takes complex, subtle and sustained stimuli to get them to stir, and — most important of all — it doesn’t take much to put them back to sleep.

Intelligent and sophisticated men “get” this concept intellectually, having been told over and over again that there can be significant differences in desire and how it manifests itself, but it is sometimes very difficult for them to really, viscerally understand it. When a man can feel an instantaneous urgency for sex flaring up from, say, a moment’s glimpse of the edge of a lace bra, it’s sometimes almost impossible to fathom his wife’s slower or more equivocal responsiveness. Even more baffling, perhaps, is how apparent trivialities can so fundamentally interfere with her sexual desire. Little things can make a huge difference in how much she will want you.

So first things first: take care of the minor stuff that might be damaging her ability to respond to you erotically. If she experiences a steady stream of continuous small disgusts and little irritants associated with you, that can set up a negative conditioned response to the very idea of being intimate with you.

With that possibility in mind, here’s my first insulting question:

Do you stink?

No, really. I’m serious.

Evolutionary psychologists insist that pit pong and Eau de Crotch must have been sexually stimulating to our ape ancestors (why else would nature have left all that curly hair there to trap the scent?), but culture seems to have triumphed in the last hundred thousand years. Women today — especially American women — are not usually turned on by powerful body odors.

Don’t get me wrong, a faint whiff of Animal Armpit in a man who showers and uses antiperspirant deodorant every day can be very interesting or even exciting to many women, at least once her libido has already been engaged in other ways. But if you are taller than your wife, missionary position will bring her nose pretty close to your underarms, and if they’re putting out the equivalent of mustard gas, she’s not going to wholeheartedly enjoy the experience.

And you’ll be breathing on her, too, so it behooves you to think at least as much about your potential mouth miasma around her as you would when greeting your clients or office mates every day. Keep a tin of Altoids by the bed. Morning breath can be minimized by aggressive cleaning and flossing the night before, followed by a rinse with Listerine or even hydrogen peroxide (full strength, never swallowed — but watch out, that stuff foams up like crazy!). Coffee on your breath is fine in about the first half hour after you drink it, but after that it goes sour FAST.

Do you sit around at night with your feet propped up on the hassock or recliner, perfuming the air all around you with an acrid cloud of Fungi Foot? Sure, you should be able to relax in your own home, and maybe it shouldn’t matter, but your aromatic dogs are a turnoff, and their turnoff effect will linger with your wife long after you’ve washed them and gotten into bed later, because she’ll see your waving them around in the family air as thoughtless and arrogant, and that will be remembered long after the odor itself has gone away.

So get rid of any shoes that are not canvas or real leather, and any socks that are not mostly natural fibers. “Man-made materials” are your enemy (this goes for polyester shirts, too). Put a dryer sheet or deodorant insole in your shoes. Don’t wear the same shoes day after day, switch around between several pairs. You might even have to — gasp — consult a doctor. Suck it up, soldier.

And speaking of sitting around stinking up the place, most women will not feel all cuddly and romantic about guys who treat them to lengthy evenings of luxurious farting, either. I’m aware that some men consider body-tooting the height of humor (exceeded only by “The Man Show,” perhaps), but it’s likely that your wife doesn’t consider it nearly as knee-slapping as you do — especially when repetition dulls its hilarious ability to startle her. She might be a good sport through a couple of serenades, but trust me, after 3 or 4 the delights will pale considerably.

Yes, it’s hard not to fart. Sometimes you just have to do it. But make an effort. Get some Bean-O and take it when you eat any musical fruit or cruciferous vegetables. Get up and bleed off some of the pressure in the bathroom. Take some Gas-X or generic simethicone when the belly balloon starts inflating. Although increasing your fiber can increase gassiness at first, over time it will at least diminish the odor of the gases that emerge. Above all, don’t make farting part of your routine comic repetoire. If you push her head under the covers once too often, your bed may begin to seem to her more like a torture chamber than a bower of love.

Comments in response to “Disgust”:
I hope marriage isn’t as cynical as you make it seem. While you are ostensibly trying to create a guide to help both sides of this issue, it seems that you are barely able to mask your contempt for men who feel their wives don’t sleep with them often enough. While it is not the duty of a woman to satisfy her man whenever he pleases and to ignore her own feelings of disinterest, what I’ve read thus far very neatly casts the blame on men for either being undesirable to their wives or insensitive to their needs.I was married for about five years and had similar problems regarding differing sexual appetites (although my wife has confessed that her lack of desire had a lot to do with unhealthy attitudes about sex she acquired when she was young). With regard to today’s post in particular, that it is also possible for men to have issues with “Disgust” (although this is not the word I would use). After gaining weight and having a child, my wife was far less physically attractive to me than she was when we first started dating, and she frequently generated smells from all three places you discussed — but I did not (to my credit, I’d say) hold this against her.

As I said before, it’s not a woman’s duty to fulfill her husband’s every need, but you make it seem as if the bulk of the effort required to rectify the problem is the duty of the husband, as if a woman is always blameless in such a situation, no matter what.


Of course women aren’t blameless when it comes to sexual disconnects. I contributed plenty to my own marital impasse, as I will detail later.But my focus here is on assisting men who would like to have more sex. If they find their wives too disgusting to have sex with, they’re unlikely to be reading a website that hopes to advise them about how to enhance her desire. THEY are the ones who want to do something to solve THEIR problem, so it would do little good to tell them that she is the one who should solve it.

It WAS big of you not to have held your wife’s unattractiveness and distasteful smells against her. Would that wives everywhere could emulate your magnanimity.

Unfortunately, life is unfair, and a woman’s desire to have sex with a man is seldom very urgent if her primary attitude toward him is one of noble tolerance.

Julia Grey

A little background first. I have been married to my wife nearly 9 years. We have 2 children (6 and 3). She is 33, I am 35. She is a stay at home mom. Attractive, fit (works out daily while I am at work). I work a 45 to 50 hr week. Provide a 6 figure income and a very comfortable life for my family. I spend a lot of time with my family when I do not work. My wife and I go to dinner at least once a week or every other week and leave the kids with a sitter, so we can have some quite time together. I have done this in an effort to spice up our relationship.Here is my situation. My wife has very little interest in sex. We will go weeks and sometimes months without being intimate. Her excuse is always that she is tired, or the kids wear her out, or she is unhappy with her body right now, and will feel better when she gets it into better shape. She nevers initiates it. When I try to initiate it, I get the brush away or the “I’m too tired” excuse. After several weeks of this, I cannot help but to become internally frustated.

I have discussed my situation with collegues (whom I trust) to see if they are experiencing similar situations with their wives. They are not. I have to take care of my own sexual desires via masturbation, which makes me even more resentful. At this point in my relationship, my only conclusion is that she has either lost interest, no libido or she is unat tracted to me. Being from a divorced family, I have no desire to end this marriage and hurt my children. My wife and I are still able to laugh and find similar interests. She just does not have similar interest in our sex life.

Yes, I am a man and I realize our urges are greater than a female. I would be happy with once a week. Blown away with a couple times a week. Unfortunately, it just does seem like it is possible with her. (I have tried all the romantic stuff ie. candles, flowers, clothes, romantic movies, etc.) Those things sometime work, but it is uncomfortable because it makes me feel like I have to work so hard at something just to be intimate with her. It is like a downer for me to think that just being intimate with me is not enough. When she does have sex with me it usually because it has been 6 or 8 weeks (or more) and she realizes that she needs to probably do it to appease me. At that point, I sometimes choose not to be interested to prove to her that I will not take a “charity” sex encounter.

I have been faithful for 9 years (and an additional 5 years prior to marriage). I have passed on opportunities with other women (met during business or collegues). I am now being tempted to act on these opportunities, due to my current situation. Are there any last hopes or advice you can give me to get my old wife back (who enjoyed sex and initiated it occaisionally). Besides losing some hair, I have not deteriorated physically and take hygene very seriously. So, I dont think that can be a reason (as you suggested in an earlier email).


Darby, I sympathize enormously. This, in particular, was something that made me wince:

(I have tried all the romantic stuff ie. candles, flowers, clothes, romantic movies, etc.) Those things sometime work, but it is uncomfortable because it makes me feel like I have to work so hard at something just to be intimate with her. It is like a downer for me to think that just being intimate with me is not enough.

Believe it or not, it’s a good sign that your hard work is “sometimes” paying off. That means there is hope.

It is very hurtful to any human being to think that for their spouse “just being intimate” is “not enough.” But in certain circumstances the cold hard fact is that it isn’t. Women do sometimes go into terminal boredom mode and lose all interest in long-term partners (a phenomenon I’ll discuss later, with some speculation as to causes and a few possible methods of reviving it).

However, given that you’re still having sex occasionally, another aspect of your situation seems to be more salient here. I think perhaps sex has become a power struggle between you. I say that because of this comment:

When she does have sex with me it usually because it has been 6 or 8 weeks (or more) and she realizes that she needs to probably do it to appease me. At that point, I sometimes choose not to be interested to prove to her that I will not take a “charity” sex encounter.

Somehow sex has become a duty for her. A routine job she has to do, rather than a pleasure she wants to indulge in. (I have some ideas bout how that happens, and I’ll talk about them later.) The fact that sex has become a household chore is bad enough, from her point of view. But even when she is willing to fulfill that duty, you sometimes reject her effort to “appease” you.

There’s a power struggle going on here, in which, for her at this point, offering sex feels like “giving in” to your demands, and at the same time she also realizes that, for you, the dutiful offer is still “not good enough.” She knows that you think she’s Inadequate to your needs and not doing what she Should do. That makes her both guilty and angry, and that turns her off even more.

It’s understandable that you are now feeling that you have Done Enough and you’re not prepared to work any harder or make any more concessions. In a sense, you don’t want to “give in,” either! So you reject her mere “charity” because it isn’t the full, complete enthusiasm that you really want.

Your instincts are obviously excellent. You know that expressions of affection and “working hard” will sometimes attract her into your arms in spite of the angry, mutally resistant spiral that has risen up around your sex life. Can you think of any way to break the impasse by looking at it from this point of view?

Julia Grey

Using sex as an instrument is manipulative and crazy, regardless of who is doing it. Seeing it that way is just as crazy. I now think you need therapy. It’s your life to live, but to think you’re actually offering valuable advice here is lunacy. This is palliative care at best.Look, it is not necessarily selfish for a woman not to sleep with her husband, but it IS selfish if there is some underlying cause that she isn’t being completely honest about. I don’t think a wife owes her husband sex, but at the very least she owes him an explanation.


The real problem goes far beyond hygiene, and obviously whoever wrote you doesn’t get it. It’s about respect. If there isn’t enough respect in the relationship to go brush your damn teeth once in a while, then why on earth should you expect your wife to have sex with you? I say bravo to you, Julia, and keep writing. You’re doing a wonderful job.


Chris, sometimes — I would even say USUALLY — women don’t actually, consciously know why they don’t want to have sex. She can’t “explain” because she doesn’t understand it herself.And, speaking of lunacy, considering the matter in the light of of who “owes” who what, whether it is an “explanation” or a sexual act, is unnecesarily adversarial in the first place.

This is where the breakdown so often occurs: it becomes a subterranean fight for one’s Rights, when what both people really want is Love. If we can’t get love, we’ll try for power — but we don’t always understand that’s what we’re doing.

Just as women don’t want to admit to themselves that they don’t measure up to their husband’s expectations (they’d rather see the expectations as unrealistic or intrusive, for example), men don’t want to acknowledge that they’re sometimes seeing their wives’ sexual disinterest as a challenge to their power and masculinity.

I agree that it is “manipulative” for a man to try to demonstrate that he doesn’t want “duty” sex by turning her down when she tries to offer it to him, but, like his wife when she tries to figure out why sex has become a duty to her, he is probably genuinely confused, hurt, and angry. I for one don’t blame either party for trying –consciously or unconsciously– to maintain as much control as he or she can.

The bottom line is that these adversarial reactions are UNDERSTANDABLE and forgiveable, but they are not not USEFUL.

Julia Grey

I suppose we will disagree about what is useful and what is not (among other things). I will go about my own business and you can continue your pseudoscientific yougogirlology to an imagined audience of men seeking to hump their wives more often (although, as the comments reveal, the support for your movement is more “Sing it, Sister!” laudation from ornery post-feminists than anything else).


You have a nice day, now.

Julia Grey

Wow, I discovered this site today and can’t stop responding.

I would like wives to keep a few things in mind.

1. We are never in the mood to go to your moms

2. We are always too tired to go fix something on her house or mow her lawn.

Now, darling wives, we husbands still go do those things, so the next time you aren’t in the mood, picture your husband in the outfit you like him to wear, under your mom’s sink with your children helping by handing him different tools as he skins his knuckles and bumps his head and asks your daughter for the 5th time for the OTHER screwdriver. He does this simply because he loves you. Remember that next time you are not in the mood and give him the fu#k of his life

john • 9/16/04; 9:07:59 AM
What I want to know is what it is that makes women care, and how to turn it off…you know, stop em talking and moving about so much

John 2 • 9/7/05; 1:17:10 PM
Infidelity hurts everyone

trever • 4/20/07; 2:17:00 PM

Darby, I feel for you Man. And I know it is absolutely NOT some sort of power struggle to maintain your wife’s dutiful zeal for you that Julia so often implies about every man who writes on this board.You simply wish and stated matter of factly that you dont want her to feel obligated, but rather interested.
And you asked a question that has yet to be answered, because Julia completely dances around the subject that women “dont really know” why they are the way they are. So her best idea is to call it a power struggle.

Any woman that is obviously chased after, and treated with the kind of insightful thoughtfulness and extremely longsuffered patience you have endured, does not deserve it, or you, and I think you could find someone out there that would appreciate you and love you and be there for you, because they dont have their heads up their own selfish “choose not to think about it, thus not know why” approach to your marriage. To me, thats just plain lazy and self centered.

It seems like Julia is defending womens rights to being self-centered, and offers no real support other than for us to sit there like little puppy dogs to take a beating and still come back to lay at the feet of its master. Screw the idea of “power struggle” thats OBVIOUS that it is not your situation. I say, quit dumping yourself down the bottomless pit and go enjoy a new life with someone who you know sees eye to eye with you. Quit wasting your life on someone whose got no further input or control of herself other than to “not know why” they are that way. And while Julia defends that lazy, self-serving attitude towards a marriage, you will be out there with Hope, and Possibility, and at least have shoved the burden of self sacrifice right out the door where it belongs.

“When she does have sex with me it usually because it has been 6 or 8 weeks (or more) and she realizes that she needs to probably do it to appease me. At that point, I sometimes choose not to be interested to prove to her that I will not take a “charity” sex encounter.

Somehow sex has become a duty for her. A routine job she has to do, rather than a pleasure she wants to indulge in. (I have some ideas bout how that happens, and I’ll talk about them later.) The fact that sex has become a household chore is bad enough, from her point of view. But even when she is willing to fulfill that duty, you sometimes reject her effort to “appease” you.

FirstyLast • 4/17/08; 2:36:48 PM

Add your thoughts below.


140 Responses to “Disgust”

  1. Someone Says:

    FirstlyLast, you are a hypocrite. What if *God forbid you think about this* SHE DOESN’T WANT TO. If you want her to, and she doesn’t want to, how is that being selfish only on her part? You’re trying to get her to do something YOU want to do, and she doesn, t want to. Yet she does, for you.

    Some women do get why they don’t want to have sex. They find it gross, or even disgusting. Maybe they don’t want the risk involved. You men still get the freedom to leave. You’re bonded by relationship to your children, but think. The mother bears the pain of childbirth. And since science has proved that women are more emotional, the effect of leaving children is unbearable for most.
    Also because they are more emotional, you’re playing with their heartstrings. When women have sex, its partly for pleasure, but.its also very painful, because many feel guilty or dirty afterwards.

    Darby, it may not be you at all. It may just be that she doesn’t want the risk, the emotional stress, and pressure of having it. Not to mention she may think it gross *obviously unfathomable to most men :/*

    • Jimi Says:

      You are troubled. If you think sex is disgusting, you are to be taken out of your fucking Judeo-Christian crap of a thought pattern. The risks involved? What the fuck is your major malfunction? There are condoms, pills, foams, spermicides,vaccines, you name it! Welcome to the 21st century! The only risk you perceive is coming straight from your fucked up upbringing. And if sex is so painful, find yourself a guy with a smaller cock for crying out loud! Sheesh! Do we really have to explain EVERYTHING to you dumb bitches!?

      • dala634 Says:

        Dumb bitches, huh? Well it’s a wonder they hate having sex with you….

      • David Says:

        That is amazing!

      • leesa Says:

        Wow men really don’t get it a women knows when it’s not really them just the sex that you need its in all of the little things and your abuility to look past them so easily, you say they changed well maybe they got tired of repeating them selves not feeling important same issues over and over, what a turn off. I myself use to be very sexual until over time he ground me down its like a chore. Ever heard of a break relationships can’t work on sex alone if there is no meeting of the mind we loose interest and feel unimportant I know we yack a lot but it’s your mind that turns us on mostly letting your guard down Beeing vulnerable is the biggest turn on let her in, stop locking up your emotion flowers candy blah blah that is great if it is in combo with deep conversation and tender non sexual touching please know I’m Beeing honest and I want to help you guys ok.

  2. TSH Says:

    I’d really like to thank you for psoting about this. It’s not a trivial matter to women who truly have problems that are extremely complex and very disturbing…it’s hard to talk about…the problem becomes even more horrible when the average man just simply does not understand it nor want to understand it. I’m convinced at least some divorces happen mostly because of this…I am not taking sides here either. I just wanted to say thank you for at least posting about this. I googled and found this posting. So thanks.

  3. dala634 Says:

    I came to this site because my libido has completely disappeared, my husband has been hurting because of it, and I wanted to hear from the men’s perspective what he is going through, maybe some advice on what to do. Some of these comments, though, are just insulting, and I’m more confused than ever. Not only do I have to put out more often, I have to enjoy it genuinely because giving “charity” sex isn’t an option. The suggestion that I’m holding out on purpose makes women look manipulative and controlling, when in reality, I’m just as devastated at our diminishing sex life as he is. I have no idea how to get that spark back. Nothing would make me happier than to be open and free with him again, to have the same full sexual satisfaction that he achieves when has when he has sex with me, and to respond to him like I used to.

    I don’t want a divorce. I don’t want him to leave me. I’m not waiting around for an affair to come along. I want us both to solve this problem, but we live in a rural area with no couples counselors for 50 miles. I need a solution because it kills me to see him in this kind of pain, but my libido is completely gone. Any ideas?

    • Richard Says:

      There has to be some underlying reason the sex is gone, and apparently you’re not talking to each other about it, a word of advice, don’t let it simmer, because the flame will go out, I have been married for fifty years and the last thirty five have been sexless, I use to ask my wife why and always got the same answer of I don’t know, I don’t n stink,I’m in good shape for my age and I compliment her on her body almost daily, well at least I use too, now she doesn’t even want me to see her body and we have moved to separate bedrooms because she didn’t like me pawing her at night when shes trying to sleep and as disgusting as it may sound, I’m left or should I say have resorted to taking her soiled panties out of the clothes hamper just to smell her wonderful scent, the point being don’t sit and wonder why, act before the flame is completely out and you’re husband can only count on masterbation for pleasure, above all else kisses and hugs are always wanted.

    • Tomsmith Says:

      The only way to solve this problem is to submit to your partner and start having sex with him when he wants it in the way he wants it. Men need sex and they can’t hang around long without it, no ,matter what he tells you. If you aren’t giving it to him he will be going spare, feeling sad, angry, climbing the walls. No amount of talking it through or making little mutual changes will solve this problem. What you need to do is decide whether you want to remain with this man, and if you do, start having sex with him whether you enjoy it or not. If you don’t then separate. It is as simple as that.

      • Gan Says:

        Um, no. Why should a woman have sex with a man just because he wants it? What about her needs, wants, etc. she’s not an object and her vagina is not a body part separate from the rest of her. “Men need sex..” Women do, too, bud.

      • Anonymous Says:

        I cannot even believe this is real. You are either an ignorant teenager or making an inexcusable joke. If not, if this is really how you think, you should perhaps seek counseling as this attitude is a major ingredient in the recipe for rape.

  4. Truegreen Says:

    Having read this I thought it was really enlightening.

    I appreciate you spending some time and energy to put
    this short article together. I once again find myself spending a lot of time both
    reading and commenting. But so what, it was still worth it!

  5. Robin K. Says:

    Wife and both love each other deeply and enjoy our small home life together. Its taken about 4 years of hard work on both sides, but we now both have exactly what we need. She has found the most compatible intellect at work who I openly support and I have found a sex craved wild (and single) woman to date.

    We both know about what the other is doing, and we still take the time to sit down and talk, maybe take a shower together or go for walks on the beach. We will never leave each other and it all started with not feeling ashamed to communicate who we are and who we wanted to be.

    • Anonymous Says:

      I’m a women with 4 kids and I’m a stay at home mom and the same thing happens to me I’m to tired for sex by the time my husband gets home from work but yes there is a but when he is at work I sometimes get the erge for sex I hoped he could just come home at that minute while the kids are at school and have some crazy sex with me I know it sounds crazy but sometimes when that happens I go in the shower run the water to the fullest speed and please myself by opening my legs amd letting the water hit my clit and then when he gets home I wait till night time and please my man hard core.

      • Anonymous Says:

        For all the woman reading reading this take care of your men before somebody else does it will happen it happened to somebody very close to me as a women u need to be his wife, lover, and whore find time for him the thingsi have learned since being with my man for over18 years is forget the house and just have food cooked and great sex and everything will go good for u goodluck.

    • Anonymous Says:

      I commend you and your wife for being honest and non hypocritical.

  6. Amy Says:

    I’m no the problem in our marriage, my husband is he finds sex, marriage, intimacy , and me just totally disgusting. We’ve been married 45+ years and since day one he has felt this way. We did have sex once and that was it on our wedding night nothing since. He said sex made him vomit and he wanted nothing more to do with sex.
    So hes lived in our basement our whole married life, won’t communicate, completely ignores me, hasn’t ever slept with me. All he did all his life is work, 10 to 12 hours a day 7 days a week, all holidays, took no vacation and when he wasn’t working which was rare he would do outside chores, work in his shop, or in his garage working on his cars. After many years his doctor told me he is extremely asexual, to the point of hating sex, women in general, men and the world. I should have left but I didn’t and thats my fault, so I’ve just learned to live with it, to old to change anything. I have accepted of lonelyness, hatred , loveless and a no body and hopefully it will be over soon.

  7. Lisa Says:

    I am having an affair with a married man. I see him once (occasionally twice) a month. He has been married 20 years and has no children. I only know his side of the story. His wife suffered sexual abuse as a child. The reason they did not have children, she felt she could never fully protect them. He tells me he loves her. We never discuss him leaving her. She will not have sex with him. He tells me the only fight they have ever had is when he asks her “why am I not getting layed”? I am not proud of what we are doing. He needs, wants sex. So do I. I am under no false illusions, I know he does not love me. We talk and visit and communicate during the times we are not together. We do care about each other. Our sexual chemistry is amazing. We have nothing to loose, so we are very frank with each other about what we want and how to please each other. I am here to tell you women that if you are not meeting your man’s physical need for intimacy and sex, well someone else is. Believe me. If you are not enjoying your man, he will eventually step out of the marriage. If you are okay denying him sex, then I suppose you must also be okay with the consequences that your lack of action bring.

    • Anonymous Says:

      The consequences are for your married cheater who has to fuck a douche like you and go back home smelling like a hooker. Keep your advise to yourself because other women, unlike you, have more to offer than their pussy.

  8. Annie Says:

    For me personally, I start to feel disgust toward men I was once attracted to after a year or two of being in a relationship with them. It’s not their fault, I just stop feeling any sexual attraction to them though I may still care for them very much. I still have sex with them, I just do not get aroused. The only satisfaction is get is pleasing them, which is enough incentive for me to do it, at least for a time. I have a fairly high sex drive, but I’m only attracted to men I haven’t been with very long, which as you can imagine makes cheating very tempting.

    I wonder if this is actually fairly common among women. And I wonder if many married women have just given up faking it. I mean, after 10-20+ years I understand it could get really old. Or am I the only one? I feel guilty, but it’s not really something I can control. I also wonder if maybe I just haven’t met the right guy yet, since I’m fairly young (21) and haven’t had that many relationships. I don’t know, but I’m something I really don’t like about myself.

    • Xam Says:

      That’s the “itis” girl, hoitis. It’s a good thing for some randos.

    • Leiria Says:

      From reading all these comments, my only thinking is that there is only one solution once you got into this wall: a harem. The only way to excite a woman after a few years of marriage is another woman desire for his man.

    • gammamd Says:

      Annie, you are half way to your answer. i.e. You at least acknowledge, unlike many women on here, what your situation is. Here is one potential solution – get a new man every two years, but tell them right from the beginning that after two years you will no longer be sexually interested in them and you will move on. You’d be shocked at how many men would jump at the prospect of a two year relationship. There is nothing wrong with you, it is simply the way you are.

      The second potential option, is to find a man who has a cuckold fetish – there are a lot of us out there. Go to fetlife.com and find a cuckold. cuckolds are turned on by either watching their wives with other men, or by knowing that their wives cheat on them. There are people out there who make this work, now yo9ur job is to decide if you want to give it a try and make it happen.

  9. Cait Says:

    Julia. Please talk more about the power struggle. How can we stop that? I know that is what is going on in my marriage.

  10. Anonymous Says:

    Men, just realize that no amount of pandering is going to get you sex. She’s either into it, or she’s not. If she’s never into it, leave her.

    It’s her responsibility too…..not just yours. If she expects you to do all the “heavy lifting” of the relationship, you need to leave her. She’s never going to be able to realize that she has to work on it too.

    Yes, I divorced wife #1 because she turned into a cold fish and I wasn’t going to put up with it. I gave her 2 years to figure it out, and all she could tell me was “cleaning, dishes bla”……even though the last year, I did most of that stuff.

    I pretty much figure that if a woman turns off the sex-tap, it’s over. The rest of it is just “man gets used for years while he tries to figure out a mystery that is already solved by the other party in the relationship.”

  11. noname Says:

    I don’t think there is a power struggle here. I know what that would look like as it is what I am experiencing in my relationship. We’re both 48 and my man won’t ever sleep with me, have sex with me, initiate sex etc. When asked gently I was rejected yet again by him saying it wasn’t my fault and I shouldn’t take it personally. Sex at best only takes place when he wants it, the way he wants it, performed on him, never goes down on me or stimulates me, intercourse is extremely rare, I have never orgasmed with him etc. He is a controll freak and I’m leaving him.
    I have a high sex drive and would like to make love at least three times a week. To love someone and be turned down just to be used next time it suits him – it’s extremely painful. And dear husbands, it’s IN NO WAY RESERVED FOR THE FEMALE species only. There are plenty of men out there who are selfish in bed and don’t care about their wives sexual interest and needs. There are plenty of women, sexually and emtiobally starved for intimacy with their beloved who cry their hearts out every night. Withholding intimacy or avoiding it can affect both sexes and is in no way a feminine domain! At the end of the day Whst it boils down to is communication. If the neglecting partner ignores your feelings and wishes and will not tell you what’s stopping them then you must take responsibility s for for yourself and take the consequences. If they cannot tell you why their libido is gone you should at least hear from them they want it back too and they will take steps to recover it.

    • Anonymous Says:

      Wow, you sound like your relationship is a complete role reversal. A man feels the same way. I am on month three of no sex with my wife and can count how many times this year on one hand and still have fingers, yes with an ‘s’, left over. I had to beg for it on my birthday!! The last time my wife offered it up was over 2 years ago when I had already left the house with a friend to go out for dinner, and she knew it!

      Oh and let’s talk about that, “sweep the floor of the kitchen” bullshit. I do all the outdoor work, work 40-60 hours a week, cook often, pay every bill (she wouldn’t even know where to start if I died tomorrow morning), buy her gifts frequently, treat her to things, etc. and still here I am with a stiff dick and constant rejection. I have heard “tomorrow” for a week straight before. Oh, and I know sometimes you just can’t take your key and start a woman’s sex engine up, sometimes it takes some starter fluid, jumper cables, tune up, new shiny spark plugs, etc. but how the fuck do you do that when she won’t even let you touch her. I know it is her insecurities and no matter how the hell hard I try to boost her self esteem it still is not there. So how the hell can I do anything to get her horny when I am allowed to do nothing. Women control everything they are involved in and you know that is closer to true than false. A woman wants sex she can find it any night of the week, a man wants sex he can find it any night only if he pays for it. I guess in a lot of ways no matter what all sex is prostitution because I have not had any that in one way or the other I put a whole lot more into it than my partner.

  12. leesa Says:

    Wow men really don’t get it a women knows when it’s not really them just the sex that you need its in all of the little things and your abuility to look past them so easily, you say they changed well maybe they got tired of repeating them selves not feeling important same issues over and over, what a turn off. I myself use to be very sexual until over time he ground me down its like a chore. Ever heard of a break relationships can’t work on sex alone if there is no meeting of the mind demon loose interest and feel unimportant I know we yack a lot but it’s your mind that turns us on mostly letting your hard down Beeingvulnerable is the biggest turn on let her in, stop locking up your emotion flowers candy blah blah that is great if it is in combo with deep conversation and tender non sexual touching please know I’m Beeing honest and I want to help you guys ok.

  13. g Says:

    Dear men, there’s one more important cultural reason or, a taboo perhaps, that really turns all women off on a subconscious level ! It works without our understanding. Yes, we do get turned off for this reason, but we often don’t know why – because it happens on a subconscious level. But I’ll explain you now one of those big reasons why we could get so asexual. (Mind you, there could be other reasons as well) I’m a female and I notice how certain behavior in men makes me feel like I’m a piece of crap that is worse than vomit and feces mixed together. For example, wouldn’t you be disgusted when you get your partner’s feces or urine on you leg? You’d want to jerk away. May be, to show love and respect, you’ll swallow that feeling of disgust or just ignore that body fluid, if it accidentally got on your skin, just as we ignore your farts – and we all say to each other “it’s ok, don’t worry – I love you!” You just go and wash yourself and think it’s no big deal – we are human and we all have urine, feces, and farts. So, you’d probably wouldn’t even demonstrate a bit disgust when you really love your partner by seeing their pimples, urine, or even pus. Now, imagine that:
    And recall firstly, that all of us have those humane bodily fluids, except for semen, which women don’t have. Semen, by the way is very pus-like in its consistency, and it’s somewhat snot-like in its texture. And being that kind of body fluid – how many women demonstrate utter disgust when it gets on their skin, or inside them, or worse – their face???? Actually, many women want that thing, which is secreted by your body. SO, IMAGINE NOW – how would that make you feel if being sexually aroused in the moment when your nice penis is ready and waiting to have that pleasurable sex, your woman suddenly notices a little precum and, at the sight of it, violently jerks away from you, demonstrating utter disgust at your bodily secretion, and then informing you to make sure that not a speck of this “thing” gets on her skin or else she might pass out from grossness. So, she convinces you to “respect” her enough not to show or put on her that natural god-made body fluid of yours and that you should be ashamed to show that. Ashamed??? First thing you’ll do is ask yourself “Why do I have to be ashamed of myself and my body and all its natural functions? She’s acting like I’m dirty or something?!”
    The next time this happens again, you’ll tell yourself “Well, am I that disgusting?!? I can’t have sex when I feel that I’m so disgusting to someone else. And actually, why would I want to have sex with someone who finds my body inside out that disgusting?!” Ultimately, your subconscious mind will tell you “HELL NO!” And you’ll lose the sex drive after seeing such behavior over and over – when your partner keeps demonstrating disgust at your body fluid. Really, is that fun?

    Now, think about how you act when you see our menstruation – that body fluid that gave you life and that you came from in the first place? How many times men jerked at its sight and asked me to make sure that not a drop of it touches their skin or else they’ll throw up at me from disgust. … I’m telling that’s what a lot of men do, telling you that as a female.

    Then you wonder, why do we feel so shy and sometimes waaaay too shy and too asexual to even try to have sex?

    PS. Personally, being a female, I tell you how feel. If I love a man, I will never be disgusted by his farts, semen, feces, or his blood mixed with pus. I’ll never jerk from him if he’s sweaty, stinky, dirty, tired or even crippled. I will love him even if lose his penis or gets paralyzed from a car accident. Love goes beyond what’s on the outside – love goes straight to the heart. And I hope one day I meat a man who will treat my red body fluid as life-giving and most amazing fluid out there and look at it as a gift, not a burden. To be able to make children is nothing but a miracle. To be disgusted by it is to be disgusted by your own origin as you have been developed from your own mother’s menstrual tissues – and that is plain immature and a turn off.

  14. chris Says:

    Wives cut there husbands off because they enjoy the power of control. They know that any option you choose other than sticking your tail between your legs, will lead to divorce, and we all know who wins in a divorce, ding ding ding! Wifey wins! I have two kids10 and 8, and I am still trying to plan my escape. She has been frigid since the first month of pregnancy with my first child, and we have argued many times about it, she will then give it up once or twice a week for a few weeks and then right back to the same routine with the only explanation being that”she needs some sleep”. I have enjoyed my children so much that I couldn’t leave, but now they don’t listen to me or have any respect for me because she immasculates me in front of them. I am a stay at home dad by necessity, so she thinks I won’t go anywhere. Like I said before, I am planning my escape. The kids will be fine; I will miss them, and miss out on influencing them because she will move in with her parents 10 hours away. Bottom line is,guys DO NOT EVER GET MARRIED, because for women it’s a game, and they can’t lose because of the judicial system in America. Oh, one more thing, I almost forgot, Julia……FUCK OFF!

  15. Helen Says:

    Thank god I am divorced!!

  16. SexlessInSeattle Says:

    years.Id like to see what you all think of this. Im a 53 y/o married m, married 32 yrs. have had sex with my wife twice in last 13 years. Have tried all the things they say, no consistent response. Been through this topic a million times, read a million posts and care about it a lot more than my wife does. We are roommates, brother and sister I guess. Shes a great person, nice lady. But my conclusions are as follows. I think that, by and large, women don’t take responsibility for their own sexuality. They expect their husbands turn them on. We need to act a certain way, (usually the opposite of what they married) or do certain things (clean, cook, chores, etc) or, in some other way, “to get them in the mood”. This simply becomes too much to do, over time, for another grown adult.

    So marriages become full of resentful and anger ..which feeds the monster.
    Consider this. It is an inescapable fact, that women control sex.
    If they control it poorly, they simply reap what they sow.
    Its not someone else’s responsibility to “get you in the mood”.
    It is 2014, and your sex drive is your responsibility.
    We can help, but we aren’t responsible for your desire or lack of desire.
    Are you responible for ours?

    Women dont “edge” themselves, and men do. It may be culturally ingrained, which is a shame, but men are definitely more open to seeing sexy images, and appreciate sexy women during the day, and fatasy. What man hasnt fantasized about something “raunchy”? Men look at pornography, (with no more emotion than watching a ball game. Entertaining, sexy, fun- nothing more)
    All this is “edging” themselves (ie Self stimulating).
    Women, ask yourself what you do?
    Probably nothing. You wait for someone else to do it for you.
    Men are near boiling because we edge, We dont need much heat to boil.
    Women on the other hand, often judge it, think it’s perverted, or sinful, or hurtful or whatever they think.
    But, as a result, they have to go from ice cold, to boiling.. and expect their spouses to get them there.
    So the husband doesnt want to work that hard, and the woman doesnt feel turned on, and they become a sexless middle aged couple. We dont need a roommate, we dont need a mom, we dont need a sister..we need a partner who enjoys both work and play. The solution is simple. Women should make it a top priority to overcome their old lady thinking, and either watch things, or read things, or listen to music, or read their preferred books, or whatever works for them, to edge themselves. And if they dont, they should definitely masturbate and open their minds and bodies to sexual stimulus and be ready to share your mind and body with your husbands. even if they dont clean the bathroom.

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  18. J Says:

    Everyone wants to be desired sexually -all the time – by their partner as well as loved. The idea – well the reality- of sex with you being ‘tolerated’ is rather horrid. Someone just not having sex with you is worse. Yes sometimes women might just think this sex malarkey is shite and i can’t be bothered and sometimes they just don’t fancy the person anymore but, believe me, sometimes male partners are very stingy about shagging their girlfriends too. My boyfriend didn’t go near me for about a year yet was still quite possessive and controlling and was quite definitely not cheating. He would deliberately snub my advances as a power trip when he felt i didn’t do as he thought I should. Even if i was slathering oil on my thin lithe young (at the time) body he would deliberately not look at me. Grrr. But he would masturbate every day. How hard does a girl have to try??? Well I suppose the point is I sympathise with the unloved- male or female.

  19. Mark Says:

    Free love. Full desire. No bond. No problem.

  20. Anonymous Says:

    She doesnt have sex with you because you irritate her. Maybe its the way you eat, dress, laugh, or just plain being in her sight. She puts up with you because she is married to you and looks out on behalf of the kids. Men are so irritating, annoying, and childish. Who cares that you provide ( as you should!) ewww like if we owe you sex.

    • Murasaki Says:

      Anonymous @1:01 Girl, yes. I ditched the resentment that I held onto for a few years. Wondering “Why Me?” and moping when my husband changed (well into his 40’s now and I’m nearly 10 yrs. younger). He went from fit and attractive to obese and lazy. I used to be ALL OVER HIS JUNK back when he gave a fuck about himself. I have had 2 kids, and still, I keep myself fit and eating correctly helps me feel good and have energy to exercise and garden. I still have clothes in rotation that I wore long before I had kids, and I’m actually smaller around the waist now because I don’t eat much junk anymore. My husband? He is well into 3X clothing and even some of that is skin tight. I just got done cooking, planting a few things, cleaning the house, doing homework and caring for the dogs, and where was he? Sleep. Still is, matter of fact. Snoring his ass off on the couch.

      To his credit, he did get the oil changed today…at a shop. He used to do the minor repairs around here and do the lawn. That has been outsourced to the lawn guy for the past 4 years since he really started to gain weight and go downhill. I’m pretty much a single parent. I spent a lot of time and tears crying about this shit, battling back and forth with him, but that yielded nothing useful. I certainly am not attracted to this man anymore. His apathy is unsettling and unattractive. He once actually laid in the bed on a comforter that he had a streak of poop on. I could smell this nastiness from the hallway and went looking for the source. He is in there like nothing is wrong, literally lying in his own shit. The room was gag-worthy in aroma. And I am supposed to want to have sex with THAT? Love, please.

      Soon as my middle schooler graduates high school, I am gone. The poetic irony of all this is that he went downhill and despite all the extra put on me due to his slacking, I have really found me and became more confident that I have ever been in my life. I’m not sad about my situation anymore, because I am using this time to better myself. I just want my kids to have their dad so my conscience is clean, but when my youngest is out the house, so am I. My shit will be packed and U-haul outside THAT day. Trust and believe it. I deserve a LIFE, and I will have that obviously without him. This here is time for me to make plans and take care of my kids and get them prepared for the real world. Women have always taken care of everything. Men want to feel like they are so important, but truth be told, we don’t need you, especially if all you can offer is being a fat lump attached to the sofa. I love him as a friend, nothing more. It is what it is.

  21. Jacqui Says:

    I can’t stand sex with my partner because he is a bully, he thinks he is more important than me, better looking, knows more, does more when in fact he is insecure and jealous and tries to control me. I actually hate him. I can’t stand sex with him because it’s all for his pleasure. I think he cheats as always chatting to some blonde on Facebook, he thinks he’s gods gift to the female species and his flirting is disrespectful. He’s a hypocrite and a liar and I will leave soon. Never felt more unhappy with such a pig of man.

  22. rose360 Says:

    My partner is a disgusting, violent, nasty slob. I stay with him to protect my kids from having to be alone with him (he takes no interest while I play the doting idiot). I used to have a very high sex drive, but he stamped that out only to complain now. Now I have to force myself, purely to pacify him. I hate it and realise that I’ve turned into something no better than a whore. Even so I get complaints ‘you used to love to fuck’, ‘whats fucking wrong with you’, ‘i prefer it when you’ve had a drink’. I realise your situations are difficult and in those situations you can feel completely overwhelmed, but please, if you have a good man, give him a shake (everyone needs one from time to time) and enjoy love and find happiness. Sometimes happiness is not what you imagined x

  23. Kelley Says:

    I am a woman who doesnt want to have sex with my husband

  24. Marie Says:

    Well, some interesting posts that try to reveal both sides. Sorry that men (and some women)deal with misunderstandings and lack of knowledge with anger and vengeance. Hormonal changes are a large part of the change from great sex to none. Think of it as all your testosterone goes down to zero and then just to “spice it up” it burns like hell when the penis is squeezed ever so gently. Yes, men get turned on visually rather quickly, women need more stimulation. I guess some men consider this to be too much effort to try to stimulate women. I recall the comparison to a Diesel engine, takes a lot of effort to start but worth the effort. I digress, hormones, ladies and gentlemen, are usually the culprit. Then of course is the baggage of sexual abuse in the past and the old negative views of “dirty” sex propagated by mostly male driven religions. Again, I digress. Remember zero hormone levels equals zero sex drive. For men, it’s just not there anymore. For some women their vagina is so tender any pressure is EXTREMELY painful. I know it may be hard for some men to understand this, ask a doctor, it’s called Vaginismus. Yes it is a real diagnosis from lack of hormones and cannot always be reversed. And remember just because you have not heard of it doesn’t make it less real. Most women who have lost their sex drive cannot even masturbate to orgasm! Can the men even imagine this occurring? Or perhaps you too have felt the loss of hormonal levels to this extreme event. I am trying many different treatments and working with my husband and it is BEYOND frustrating when we would have sex sometimes 2-3 times a DAY to nothing in nearly a year. The awful times of menopause (We joke that we “burned it all out” when we were younger!). So useful suggestions, talk to doctor/PA/NP and get a work up done, a therapist, councilor and most importantly EACH OTHER. Don’t blame and hate. Try to understand the problem and then work on solving problem. Maybe it is deeper than just sex and the marriage is falling apart so again seek help first. That is the intelligent and mature way to handle the situation. In my humble opinion, all the best fortune to you all


    Reasons for me not wanting sex:

    He doesn’t take care of himself like he used to.
    We argue all the time, and yes, I do not forget! His doucheyness replays in my mind over and over again, and I remember how he made me feel and id rather punch him square in the face than mount him!
    Constant farting, picking of the nose, and me havng to clean up after him like a kid….it feels like I gave birth to him.
    Stupid decisions that affect me and the kids negatively.
    The fact that we are in a financial struggle and he avoids talking about the difficult decisions we must make, or rather his unwillingness to make decisions.

    I’m going to stop here because I’m already getting angrier by the minute. I should’ve remained single. Sex is good but it ain’t that good for all this bullshit.

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