Wistful Writes

August 1, 2004

Although I still don’t have time to write much of any substance, I thought this letter from “Wistful” would be of interest.

I am currently in a stalemate situation with my husband over sex. I don’t see the way out for us but have analyzed the differences between our relationship and a great sexual relationship I had to try to see what is going on. I have a theory but here are my stories first. I’m hoping this will help some guy with his wife.

I’ll call the good sex boyfriend Russ. We went out for 2 1/2 years and had a rocky relationship but had sex at least once a day for 2 years. (By the way, I think I have a high sex drive, even after 2 kids).

My husband (who I’ll call John) and I had a normal honeymoon period of 6 months, then he moved in and it went to hell. It’s been 5 years of fighting and never spontaneous fun sex.

Here are some differences between them. Coincedentally, these are the behaviors that turn me off from my husband and make it almost impossible for me to have sex with him. Russ *never* did any of these things.

1. Had the expectation that I would not feel like having sex with him following the usual “wife doesn’t want it” stereotype.

2. Made our sex life an issue and brings it up nastily in arguments.

3. Blamed me for our relationship being bad because we’re not having sex.

4. Showed impatience, anger and intolerance over our sex life.

5. Punished me by withdrawing caring, affection, companionship and hope for a happy life together.

6. Made me having sex with him the proof that I love him, and punishing me by withdrawing if I don’t.

Here’s my prescription. If my husband could do the following things for a straight month, actually forever, it would erase my resentments and we could go to having a great sex life. The problem is, he doesn’t trust me and couldn’t do this for more than 3 days.

1. Be happy.

2. Care about health and appearance. Don’t smoke and lose the 20 lb gut.

3. Be more interested in greeting and talking to wife than watching tv.

4. Be able to stand on own 2 feet as a fully functioning happy adult, not dependent on wife to have a happy life. Act like life is brimming with hope and possibility, have a relaxed, fun disposition, not dependent on having sex with wife to start living and being a happy person.

5. Never exhibit the problem behaviors of complaining, displaying anger, withdrawing, making wife prove her love, listed above.

Here are 2 sample scenarios, one of the guy I would have sex with, one of the current situation. This is me coming home to my husband who is a stay-at-home dad:

Good situation: I come in and husband smiles and is happy to see me, greets me, Hi honey, wonders about my day and tells me about his. He tells me cute stories of things the kids have done, or tells me how difficult they were and he needs some help. He has had a productive day either with friends or working on something or playing with kids. He has dreams for the future for himself, either as a better dad or going to school. He’s lighthearted, happy, and fun to be around. We can hardly wait for the kids to go to bed so we can be together.

Real life: I come home, husband barely looks up from tv and mumbles hi. I instantly have kids and if I dare to ask about his day, get snapped at about how it sucked in some way. He helps with the kids and cleaning but we basically don’t talk other than some gossip. I have to deal with him yelling at older kid and trying to get between them so she doesn’t get too upset. I’m angry having to deal with his temper. If I bring it up, he’ll start to blame me so we don’t talk about it. We get the kids to bed and then it’s me wondering if he’s going to be angry and ignore me or if he’s in a good mood. It’s hard to tell, either way, he just watches tv and says nothing. I try to get to bed without having sex come up and get on with my life.

As I said, I don’t have time to comment on this letter in detail, but I think Wistful’s husband is depressed (a very common condition in stay-at-home parents of preschool children). Look particularly at #4 on her wistful “wish list.”

What do you think?

Comments in response to this post:
I came here under the search phrase “sex life with wife is bad”. It is.

Reading this post, I hate to admit that guy sounds like me. And I realize, to a point, that he’s not going to change if she doesn’t meet him half way.

For me, I’ve never had a great sex life – though I’m reasonably decent looking guy in good shape overall. I don’t feel my wife is interested in me and knowing she had a number of partners before I feel like something is wrong with me.

She wants me to initiate more often and says she’s willing, but that puts me in a place of feeling vulnerable – I want her to meet me half way and initiate in kind. She doesn’t.

There’s a lot of history that builds up to this situation and that doesn’t really matter at this point except that the situation feels helpless.

I’ve come to resent being stuck in this relationship and I feel like she’s playing games by trying to force me in the direction she wants.

If we didn’t have 2 young daughters, I’d consider leaving the relationship but that’s not what I really want. I need some help – some hope that I’m not stuck in a dismal sexual relationship for the rest of my life.

In case anyone’s wondering – or it’s important – when we do have sex, it’s actually very good for her. Two orgasms is a minimum – she usually gets tired. My main reason for saying this is that it only adds to the confusion – I’d think she’d seem more interested than she does.

Disillusioned, depressed and frustated.

rich from montreal• 6/18/05; 5:28:56 PM

I also found this site in the search of my wife does n ot enjoy sex with me.My situation is that she was a virgin when we got married and she wanted to wait. By the way it always seemed like there was no lust coming from her wich I though was unusual but didnt spend to many days worying about it. now that were married there seems to be problems. First I understand that she is new at this and there is pressure but it has been 6 months and there has never been a honeymoon stage. Weve never thrown ourselves at each other, well i have at her but there is my one way road im talking of. Also when we do have sex it seems like she just lays there and doesnt enjoy it at all. I tried talking to her and asking her if i was doing everything ok and she says yes, so then i ask her why it seems she doesnt want to have sex with me and she says i dont know. Well i think she doesnt want sex at all. but who knows only her right. So heres what I think Ive learned and its that I married her for a reason and thats because I love her. You just have to remember that at all times, and i know sometimes its really hard. The other thing is the word resent, You should defenitly never get there that can tear up a relationship bad. Also never forget that no matter how long its been you can still start a good loving talk about what is wrong and if your willing it may help. try to find the half way point. Anyway i cant figure out whats up with mine so that sucks

chris • 2/2/06; 3:16:44 AM

I think this is absolutely fascinating. The first commenter hated to admit that the guy sounds like him. As does it for me. I really wonder if this is a standard pattern of behavior that couples fall into, and I would love to know if this has been described by psychologists.

The question I have is, who is to “blame” here or is this some kind of twisted symbiotic interaction. There is a real “chicken and egg” quality to the original complaints of the letter writer. i.e. is the husband not getting sex because he is irritable/has a temper or is he irritable and has a temper because he is not getting sex? It isn’t clear. The writer lists all the sins of the man (temper, irritable, making sex an issue) as the reason he is not getting sex. She goes on to say that Russ, her previous “good loving'” boyfriend, didn’t have any of these sins. Is it possible that he didn’t exhibit those behaviors because he was getting regular sex? I don’t know the answer to this question. I am trying to understand the dynamics here. In my previous relationships, my display of emotion did not get me “cut off” from sex, whereas currently it does. If I show strong emotion (such as a display of temper, yelling) the reaction is that she “feels vulnerable” and doesn’t want sex, but assures me that she is not withholding as punishment, just that she feels vulnerable and doesn’t want sex. I feel, at some level, that she is withholding and I get resentful. So I withdraw into work etc. and am cool to her. So she is less responsive. And the cycle goes on and on.

But if I think about it, I think its the reaction to the original precipitating event that is key. In previous relationships, if I displayed emotion (anger etc) these weren’t deal breakers and we were able to get past it and have sex. In this relationship that isn’t the case, and I am not sure what the reason is. It may be that my current partner is much more sensitive to that stuff than previous. Or that sex to her carries more emotional weight than others do. The bottom line is that I feel really trapped at the current point, and I thank god we are not married. At times I feel manipulated and controlled and I don’t like the feeling. I do love her, and she loves me, but I can’t imagine us getting past this stuff and having a reasonable life together.

anon • 9/25/06; 9:22:47 AM

I tell you what, I’m the good situation guy, and I don’t get squat. The issue is: quit berating the partner, and just cut her loose. Get a new one that is up to standard. Trade up.

Joe • 10/30/06; 6:44:10 AM

I had a great sex life with almost every partner before my current wife. Prior to getting married, we had intense sex whenever we were together (sometimes 3 times in one day). After we were married, sex deteriorated within 6 months and remains like this 15 years later. We were both good-looking and had great physiques, so physical appearance was not an issue. We also almost never fight (our relationship is like a working partnership) and have had tremendous business success, so finances are not an issue. Like a previous poster, my wife cums hard during sex and asks at the time, why we don’t do this everyday. She also claims that she is a sexual person, but doesn’t like when I pressure her for sex (which I have done only a couple of times a year at most).

After going six months without sex one time and trying to be perfect and never bring up sex (which she also says she doesn’t like to be the agressor), I finally got tired of it and told her that this was an unfair situation and that she was either going to have a normal sex life, tell me what I’m doing wrong, or allow me to have sexual relations with another woman on the side. She admitted it was her and that if I had it on the side, she doesn’t want to know about it. Well, I found a woman that is beautiful, 26 (I am 40), and has a high sex drive. We have sex 2-3 hours every night (I leave the house at 1AM and come back at 6AM). This has been going on for about 3 months and I am totally satisfied. Of course, the young girl is pressing me to leave my wife, but I have already learned from my mistake once. It was never my intent to cheat on my wife, but a woman needs to be realistic – if you don’t take care of your husband, this is almost always the end result no matter what you think it should be.Another friend confided a similar situation and we concluded that there really is little you can do as sexual attraction just happens and is hard to create no matter how perfect everything else is. That’s life.

BTW, I tried watching porn with my wife and she got turned on watching other guys and now needs it for us to have sex, but I could care less at this point as I have a woman that is totally physically into me. I can’t tell you how great a feeling this is each day to get her text messages asking me to come over for sex, all the while my clueless wife is still covering her breasts in the bath when I walk by for fear that I might want to have sex with her. I no longer sleep with her or kiss her, but am very civil and we have a great partnership otherwise, sort of like brother and sister or best friends. I even wish she would find someone so we could take turn taking vacations with our lovers. Jeff • 11/4/06; 2:32:38 PM

Hi, just seen my husband looked up “why doesn’t my wife want to have sex with me?” on google haha! kinda funny, and I guess he found this site, I totally agree…, especially the fact that he makes such a big deal out of NOT having sex, being mad and all those things that were listed here are exactly why I don’t feel like having sex with him either!!! Tas • 11/13/06; 11:11:14 AM
I agree with every post made here. I’ve been married twice and it happened both times. It only goes to show that sex is solely based on physical attractiveness and has nothing at all to do with relationships. Women just don’t want to admit to that. Otherwise, how could a porno tape make a difference???

Obviously some couples overcome that and have sex anyway but I contend that those people don’t think of themselves as any more attractive than their partner. Many women view thamselvs as more attractive than their husbands, hence the psychological problems with sex. Most guys don’t have much control over their libidos, so it becomes an issue.

Here’s the reason for my assumption. In my first marriage, I was unable to find work locally and decided to re-enlist in the military to support my family. Of course, the training toned my body. My first wife – all of a sudden – couldn’t get enough sex. Shortly before I re-enlisted, sex was out of the question. I initiated the divorce after being reassigned to Korea and realizing that I was the one being emotionally abused. Just before we finalized it, she tried her very best to seduce me into staying married… Verrry interesting!

In my current marriage it’s the same story. I met my second wife in the military. We had sex every day – until a couple of years after my discharge. I gained some weight around the middle and suddenly she got passive about sex. Now it is impossible for her to get aroused with me. She argues vehemently that it is not my appearance but I know better. She had a hysterectomy about 5 years ago, and claims she has no interest in sex at all. I don’t believe that for one second.

Just recently I began exercising again and lost about 20 pounds so far. Even though I’m only half way to my target weight, she suddenly begins to get the urge again. Keep in mind that we’re both 50 years old… So, guys, don’t be fooled. The answer is so simple it’s ridiculous. No matter how much women claim that a relationship is based on a complex and intricate system of trust and love, all that really matters to them is a nice physique. If you want sex do your sit ups, push ups and crunches.

Ray • 11/26/06; 6:26:59 AM

I found this site through a different search-I was searching “good sex with your wife” looking for hints on how to make it better (it’s currently great).

When I found this site, It was very dissappointing. Both men and women are shallow. Men want infinite frequency, women want ultimate perfection – both are unrealistic fantasies.

Men, if you want to increase your frequency, you have two options: 1.Have at least 5 million in the bank. 2. Have perfect abs and lots of charm.

If you have both 1 and 2, you can probably have unlimited sex with your wife, her friends and her sisters (maybe at the same time)

Women, I have no recommendation – you are a complete mystery – you seek perfection from a gender whos flaws are formed by thousands of years of evolution. At the same time you are willing to roll-over for a short, fat, unshaven, cretin as long as he can feign wealth by driving a viper, wearing a rolex watch or stumbling around on bruno magli shoes. You’ll walk right past a hundred renaissance men who look like Fabio, can quote Shakespear, sing Verde and select a french wine to accompany a veil entree with a foie gras appetizer (year and region).

Both sexes are doomed to pursuit hyperbolic archetypes. Women will continue to get implants, men will continue to mortgage their homes to buy vipers and pinky rings.

Ultimately, we both get what we deserve. Men: if you want frequency, you must fool your partner by feigning wealth. While she’s judging you, get as much as you can beore she finds out that you aren’t perfect. If your net worth exceeds $10M – you have nothing to worry about – If she pisses you off, move on to the next shallow object of your desire.

Women: If you want a perfection, set your sites on having many different partners. For you, a partner can only be perfect for about 6 months, after that you will convince yourself there is somebody better. Your man might make lot’s of money, but be a slob. Your man might be very clean but not make enough money. Your man might do whatever you ask but lack spontaneity. If he satisfies you, realize that you will force him to leave you in a few short months (unless he has $10 million)

Trying to make this work is a real challenge

There is no good answer to this dilemma

Mike • 1/26/07; 1:22:59 AM

Some insight on “bringing it up”. Yes, women hate a sniveling little man who begs or threatens for sex. I’ve been that. Why? Because I know it doesn’t really matter. If I snivel I won’t get any, if I don’t snivel, the probability is only marginally greater. And sniveling at least gets my feelings on the table. And the lines are drawn and it will be more of a fair game in my mind if I start going back to stripclubs and eventually cheat.

My true feeling is that when a woman says, “He needs to do this, this, this and that, and then I’ll be attracted to him”, then this woman has pretty much already made up her mind that she has no interest in him and never will, and that he’ll be chasing rainbows trying to live by the rules. To put it another way, my wife I know is in the personal ad market and slowly but surely will probably hook up and have sex. Will this man have been the perfect father to her child? Will he have spent his life savings on her? Will he have proven himself to be super-happy, high functioning all male man? Will he have shown interest in her feeling deeper than the ocean? I doubt it.

To put it yet another way. When I met my wife, who at the time was cheating on her husband (I was oblivious), did I display ultra manly and super father potential? In fact, given certain stresses surrounding our situation, I was far more nervous and tempermental when we dated than I am now. And I for sure didn’t please her in bed initially, though it did get better as I relaxed and she’d O’ multiple times so she did like it. But back then, it was new romance, an escape from her bad situation, and well, it was, new. And I was a ticket out. Subconsciously, was she just buying the ticket? I know she wasn’t maliciously using me.

So when she hooks up with the next guy, he might be better at sex than I am, but he won’t be all the things my wife demands I don’t have that make me unattractive to her. And no matter how much fun they have over the first few weeks, as soon as her child gets in his face and he starts feeling the stress on his wallet, he’s going to say or do something that’s going to end all her feelings for him too.

I’m not going to point fingers and say it’s all her fault but it really seems like the bottom line is with her. Has she tried to make sex work with me? no. Has she really tried to make me happy in other ways? barely. While I might fail, from the time I get up in the morning until I go to bed, I’m either working or serving her, or playing with her daughter. With occasional internet breaks. 😉 I’m on the verge of financial ruin trying to give her everything she wants. So yeah, I have really, really tried. It’s amazing, if she’d just give it up once a month, let me have a few weekend hours to myself, and just spend all my money rather than all my credit possibilities, I’d be ok. 95% of the stress over. I could be the happier functional man for her. theyGuy • 5/15/07; 8:08:07 PM

I have read a few of the comments here and it is amazing how many guys there are out there in the same kind of bother. My wife just flatly refuses to have sex with me now. I am 47 she is 37, ten years ago I was having wild sex with 2 or 3 women the same age she is now (ie the same age as me then), I thought I would have a good sex life with her, we got married seven years ago and the marriage has gone a bit astray, some money problems, and also me having problems with her daughter as she went through the teen years – which I didn’t handle very well. She doens’t like me working from home – she thinks I have lost my self worth – I love working from home and could never go back to the office bullsh**t.

I would be happy with sex once or twice a week, but it has become such an issue now it is getting more and more difficult to break the ice and get back into any kind of sex life. We don’t sleep together due to my snoring, she doesn’t want to go on holidays together or really even go out for a walk together, it has become such an issue.

she won’t talk about it, and she hates it when I get angry or annoyed about. The weekends are the worse, she asked me why I was in a bad mood last Sunday – I said I am not. She said you are – I said Ok I am fed up with never having sexual intercourse, it has been six months since we did it the longest time in my adult life without sex, and I am fed up with it – Then she said “I didn’t need to know that!” Well why did you ask why am I angry then – I told her I am angry every night I go to bed and every morning I wake up – and again she said “I didn’t need to know that”

I mean what can you do???? with people who have not got a logical thought in their heads, they ask you a question you answer them and then they say “I didn’t need to know that”. I still fancy her but I am increasingly just ignoring her and just walking away from her when she walks in the room. If I just totally ignore her it might be the best thing to do. Bren • 5/22/07; 9:11:27 AM

This is insane guys. All I hear is a rant on why my wife won’t have sex with me. Bottom line is for a woman; if she isn’t emotionally involved she’s not having sex at all even if she’s doing it physically. You want to have sex with your woman move her emotionally. It’s not very hard just make a connection. Most men tend to think turning a woman on is “Oh your so sexy” or Slapping her on the ass as you walk by, these are not sex builders for a woman they don’t get turned on in an instant like man. You’ve got to generate sexual tension which can take days or hours depending upon how good your technique is.

Begging, nagging, complaining these are all sex killers and will get you nothing but resentment as she thinks you are treating her like an object. No woman wants a bitching, needy, jealous man. Think what a woman wants in a man confidence, control of emotions, security start exuding these and spend some quality time with her the sex will come back.

I was in the same situation as most men on here and broke it down analytically. It wasn’t an over night change but after about 6 months sex is best in my life. BMT • 5/24/07; 2:52:45 PM

I have a friend whose wife knocks him down like Dino on the Flinstones with participation for the last 10 years. We are best friends from high school and college and the only thing that’s different between his relationship with his wife and mine with my wife is the wives. His wife appreciates him and mine doesn’t.

MD • 5/24/07; 9:29:56 PM

You gotta give it up to your man some time. Peter • 5/27/07; 1:08:45 PM
My wife and I had great sex every 2-3 days until recently. I do not know what to think or do. I am 52, she is 49 and we have been married over 20 years. I am athletic (martial arts), retired with over $9,000 month retirement. And I will have to say I *think* I am very generous in the bedroom.

Confused in Stockton.

To the last guy Neil, well did you consier that she is getting it somewhere else?

On the August 1, 2004 post – on every one of the 5 points your husband would probably say the opposite thing.

1) Wives have stereotypes of husbands too

2) You also have made sex the argument and written to a blog quite ‘nastily’.

3) Blamed him for the relationship being bad because he always wants sex (see also ‘you’ had a normal honeymoon period – did he?)

4) Showed impatience, tolerance and anger over sex life – seems like you do too.

5) Punished him by withholding sex, not talking sexy to him and starving him for what he craves (and when you showed a slight interest that way, immediately dashed his hopes by saying ‘that’s all you think about’ to neatly classify him like item 1.

6) Withdrew sex from him because he did not ‘deserve’ it (based on your perception of his behavior) and therefore made it a ‘prize’ to be ‘earned’ instead of a gift to be shared.

Here’s my prescrition for you.

1) Give of yourself more willingly and don’t expect anything in return.

2) Don’t set out asking him to change himself. Make him want to make himself more attractive to you. For the smoking ask him to use mouthwash. Get off his back on the 20 pounds. Did you really marry him for better or for worse?

3) Once in a while, consider he is involved in something else when you come in and maybe you are disturbing something he is doing. Did you ever bring him in a cold one or walk in naked or wearing something sexy? If you do something more interesting than what he is currently doing he will be attracted to you. Try to flirt with him as though you are not married.

4) Gee, he’s not getting any sex from anybody and he’s not happy. That should not be a surprise to you. Be surprised if he does start acting like he’s relaxed, has a fun disposition and life is brimming with hope and possibility – because he probably met somebody else and is having sex with them.

5) Perhaps the complaining will stop when he gets regular sex. It will be hard to have anger when you deplete his testosterone, and when you stop withholding sex from him he will figure he does not have to keep on wondering whether or what he should do to get you to have sex with him.

The reason that prostitution exists is because some women will trade sex for money and others will not.

If men were the ones who were determining when sex occurs then there would be a big business in male prostitution. Well there ain’t no such business honey (male prostitution) among heterosexuals. Men will put out for free. m • 6/7/07; 1:09:35 AM

Try to understand the psychology. Woman till such time feels u r at higher level than her she want to conceive ur child in her womb ie she wants better than her to make her pregnant. Once ur level is equilises she stops response. Do not forget that sex is means of procreation as gifted by GOD. And she wants to have seed for best child in her.

Same is with male they want to pregnant all female. Have u realised as soon as u discharge the whole situation changes and u try to relax and feel no attraction for female till u prepare for next sexual encounter after u recoup ie nature again prepares for next encounter. Woman can produce one child in 9 months where as during this period ur semen can pregnant whole females of universe. If a woman has not conceived she can be prepred or lure any no of males to make them pregnant it is natures mistery why to blame a female or for that purpose to a male.

VKK • 6/22/07; 6:01:10 AM

Angry Bitter frustrated husband and a couldnt care anyless wife. This vicioous cycle goes: on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on ….

weeman • 8/1/07; 12:59:24 AM

I find all of the bitching interesting. But as a woman, the bottom line about sex comes to this: Women aren’t turned on to men they don’t respect. Once a woman moves in with a man and she has to pick up after him, motivate him to do anything, constantly baby him, the man-woman relationship turns into the mother-child relationship. And women don’t want to have sex with their children – obviously. Another sex issue is that the majority of women can not orgasm without direct stimulation of the clitoris which does not occur via pentration. Period. While men get instant gratification from sex everytime, a woman does not unless she is using a vibrator. So, when a woman has to raise her husband as a child AND does not get instant gratification from sex like men do, then sex becomes a bore and a chore.

Bottom line is that women like sex just as much as men do. But they can’t feign attraction like men. Men will have sex with anyone and anything as they can achieve instant gratification. Women do not get instant gratification so they are more selective. I’m sure there are bone deep evolutionary reasons for this, one of them being if women derived instant pleasure from sex, then any rape encounter would be pleasurable. But since gratification comes only with a significant amount of work for women, they have to be attracted to their partner on MANY more levels than a man has to. If those levels / needs aren’t met, then the males needs aren’t met. A vicious cycle all around. And guys, if your woman is climaxing during penetration, she is faking it for your benefit or to get it over with. Women must have direct clitoral stimulation to acheive orgasm. There is no such thing as the mythical g-spot – ask any legitimate physican / gynecologist.

Men complain about their wives and cheat with other women. But women cheat just as much on their husbands as men cheat on their wives. Bottom line is: relationships are work. If you’re both not willing to do said work, there will be no benefits.

Lilith • 8/24/07; 10:49:30 AM

The fact that a MAN is a stay-at-home baby-sitter is a reason why this guy is depressed. Men are not designed to stay at home and take care of kids. I’ll go crazy if I have to live like him. I hate staying at home.

George • 9/10/07; 12:00:47 PM

On the list of things he needs to do you only included 5 items. Hardly. He needs to never say a bad thing. He has to never want anything for himself. He has to do all the things you want, when you want it, how you want it, the intensity you want it, the length of time you want it, in the order you want it…plus he has to do it without you telling him anything (we aren’t mind readers) and THEN maybe you’ll think of having sex with him.

Hey, your hormones have to be in the right combination and in the right phase, the tides need to be at just the right level and transition, plus Jupiter aligned with Mars. Yes, men can be better at the relationship. I read and work hard at it. How much has it improved our physical contact frequency??? It has gone down! I keep track!

This is not just me, there are so many men walking around horny and considering bisexuality it is disgusting. Wives, wonder why your husband isn’t as communicative as you want??? No sex can do that to a man! How would you like it if we only talked to you once a month? You offer it before marriage like it’s always going to be like that and shortly after the wedding…BAM!…we’re on our own. So please quit bitching and put a little effort in yourselves!

st. Man • 10/10/07; 5:35:41 PM

st. Man…you totally had me until the bisexuality part…

Jeff • 10/16/07; 10:32:54 PM

So if he punishes you when you don’t have sex with him by withdrawing from you…that’s bad and makes you not want to have sex with him? But you not having sex with him is not supposed to make him react in any negative way? How selfish, stupid and childish. I bet he’ll leave you. I would.

Lee • 10/21/07; 10:41:32 AM

My wife was a virgin before we got married. The amazing thing about that is that she is very beautiful. She has had tons of boyfriends, and I know that they felt tortured by it. I had already had some long term relationships before her, and even though those relationships weren’t going so well, we had a lot of sex. I miss the break up sex the most. My last ex and I broke up about 100 times, and we always had awesome “get back together” sex afterwards.

Anyway, because my current wife didn’t want to have sex until marriage, anytime we were intimate or she wore something sexy, I had to go to the bathroom to take care of business. She was so horny too. She wanted sex so badly, and there were several times I had to stop her because I wanted her to reach her goal (I know, that’s kind of weird, but it was important to me).

Anyway, she constantly told me how much she loved me, she was always holding my hand, hugging me, and looking for affection of some sort, and she was always telling me that I was the one (the love of her life). She wanted to get married within the first year we were dating. But, as I’ve learned from past relationships, it is important to get to know your significant other before you commit. I told her it was very important that we are sure that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. So, I suggested we not get married for a couple of years.

I think I made the right decision to let her see all of my flaws early on when we were dating. I contiously told her what things she can expect from me (I was very specific and realistic about this). I didn’t want her fantasies to get in the way of our marriage. She said she loved me for who I am and accepts me for who I am. Although I feel I definitely made the right choice in doing all of this, it still didn’t work out that well.

She changed significantly soon after we were married. The sweet, loving, affectionate, caring woman I once knew is gone. Now, she is Superbitch. She tries to mold me into something I am not (The way a typical gay man appears – cheery, talkative, ripped, etc). She yells at me all the time. She insults me constantly. She always seems annoyed and angry with me. She has even attacked me physically a few times (I have never hit her back even though it takes every bit of strength in me to resist).

I think she was blinded by her fantasies before, even though she claimed she wasn’t. Everything has changed for the worse. The crazy thing is I have improved myself in many ways – I help clean the house, I make significantly more money than I did before, I’m a very loving father, I give my wife backrubs and footrubs almost every night (she asks for them, but she won’t reciprocate), I listen to her talk and talk and talk and talk……., and I respond with support.

Except the sex needed for babymaking, we have sex maybe once a year. When we kiss, I feel like I’m kissing my mom – it is a big turnoff. I’ve suggested marriage counseling more than once. This just makes her angry. She says that I’m the only one that needs to change – not her. What I big crock of crap. A relationship takes two, and we need to be in better sync, and currently we are not, which I’ve explained to her, but she doesn’t want to go to counseling.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that my situation appears to be very similar to most guys. I feel trapped. I’ve never cheated on my wife, but I’m always tempted. I’m a good looking guy, and even though I’m always wearing my ring, I get a lot of female attention. Instead of cheating, I go to the bathroom and turn Japanese. I’m going to keep trying to make it work with my wife, and just hope for the best.

Fool • 11/20/07; 4:27:30 AM

Hey, I am a good man, in shape, work everyday and don’t cheat on my wife. I keep the house clean constantly and I try to do what is right most of the time. I am not perfect but I try. Only one problem I have to nag my wife for sex, keeping the house clean and for her not to be so fucking lazy.

The problem is you women want everything your way and use sex as a tool to keep us in check. For example: I have given up my football career for this woman, I have given up good jobs for this women and I have done everything to make her happy and I can’t even have a descent fucking meal and a screw.

I bet if I were treating this woman like a dog she would love me to death. I am so sick and tired of hearing you women wine about how we don’t cuddle your feelings. Hell, I don’t know any man who can hold his wife or woman a descent conversation with a hard on 24 hours a day.

It is like this: you women complain about money! We work longer hours to earna descent check! Then you turn around and complain about us never spending any time with you because we are always working. That is just one example of many of how you selfish ass women complain. My advise to you men out there is to cheat and have a side piece of ass to satisfy all your needs

. But get this then she would wonder why you are cheating? I love lord, don’t get me wrong but I have had to settle for less my whole life and I am not going to spend the rest of my life arguing of the simpliest things. I am going to cheat,and be satisfied.

I would rather be single and have all the sex I want, with any one I want ( than have a wife and can’t have any sex at all.)I am fustrated and I am not going to settle for this shit anymore. I love my wife but if I lose her so be it.

Big Guy • 12/7/07; 7:23:58 AM

Leave. I did. I get laid now. I’m happy. Fucking leave.

The Answer • 2/9/08; 6:42:47 PM

After reading these testimonies I don’t feel so bad. I thought I was the only one going through this. My wife is hot and won’t let me have sex with her either. This becomes so frustrating that it ends up taking up most of your thoughts and interest. It’s like a disease.

Joe • 2/28/08; 3:23:32 PM

Stalemate situation with husband….Hmmm…..You said you had a good sex boyfriend because you had sex with him every day for 2 1/2 years. Well I think with would be safe to say that you would have a great sex husband if you had sex with him every day for one month.

He is all in his rights to blame you for the relation ship because before you married him I bet you had sex with him atleast 3 times a week and now he would be lucky if it is 2 times a month.

Try this stop blaming him and have more sex with him and watch how great and happy your husband will be. Behind every great man is a great woman. All great females know there place in the house hold and making there husband happy is just like putting money in a savings account you will earn intrest.

Billy • 2/29/08; 11:27:21 AM

Who needs married sex anyways? My wife could care less about my sexual needs, and that’s her own selfish problem.

I masturbate regularly, and I don’t need her body to take care of my own needs. It’s like taking a whiz or a crap, you gotta get that stuff out. If I bring up sex with her (which I rarely do anymore) and she “is tired”, “doesn’t feel well”, “is busy”, is “in a bad mood”, etc. etc. bla bla bla bla bla (which she almost always is), I just tell her I’m going to the bathroom to beat-it, and it’s all good.

I do my best to be kind, compassionate, attractive, pleasant, generous, rubbing her feet and her back and her head and comforting her physically. I’m happy with who I am as a person. If she doesn’t want to reciprocate, then she has to live with her own self-centered, miserable self. As for me, I have a hand and I can happily relieve my hormonal tensions. Just beat it.

Happy Hands • 3/16/08; 10:46:47 AM

Your husband is depressed and you’re in a vicious circle. He needs to get a new job. Clearly, the one he has isn’t making him happy. No offense, but you seem oblivious to the fact your husband is clinically depressed.

If your husband was happy.. you would likely get all the things you’re asking for. Before we can start making other people happy, we have to make ourselves happy.. It’s Maslov’s Hierachy.

Dude • 3/21/08; 6:49:05 AM

You don’t ask for much… Come on I’ve been married for 18 years. The frist 5 or 6 six years your just getting to know one another. So sex should be often. After that good luck. Bye this time you have a house, 2.5 kids, job, driving kids all over, and all the bills to go along with it. So pretty much sex is out of the question. People should relize this. Granted me and my wife go through spells where she’ll be in the mood for a week or so, and I will not be in the mood. Plus there are times when I’m in the mood for aweek or so, and she won’t be in the mood. We realize that, and we maybe end up having sex maybe 1 time a mouth or sometimes 10 times a month.

I’m sick of woman saying he nags me, his over weight, he complains, and so on. Guess what your not perfect. Some times you just need to suck it up and DO YOUR JOB. I’m sure there are alot of things he does for you that some people don’t get credit for. What when you thought you got married you wouldn’t to sex anymore, or when it suites you? COME ON.

Some people are more needy than others, and you should have knowing that about the person before you got married. My advice is give in maybe it will put him or her in a better mood then you won’t here them nag, complain, bitch, and etc. There’s one way to find out give in. People do need the sence of being needed its only human, and if you don’t feel that way you better get a clue.

I read a statement from some one else. It said something about before making someone else happy make your self happy. What BS. Your married now its not just yourself there 2 of you. You should both be working together to make each other happy. Thats what getting married about. When you get married your saying I need this other person to make me fill whole.

Being a Doctor I see people coming to me each day saying my partner does this and this. Guess what you married this person. SUCK IT UP. Being married is not easy. You need to work on each, and everyday of your life. The only time I say to get out if there is mental, or physical abuse. Other than that if you think the grass is greener on the other side then you’ll be paying me $200 an hour to till you that your the problem.

Dont think about yourself think about the picture. For example you have kids they depend on you 100% of the time for every thing, and i bet you dont even give it a second thought. But when your partner needs something from you you saying it complain ,and so on. I’m sure you have needs, and so does your partner, and if not hurting you then suck it up. Dont get me wrong if he or she not fulling your needs then you need to talk, but please try giving into some of your partners needs for 2-3 weeks, and I bet things in your life will turn around.

Like i said try for 2-3 weeks not just 1-7 days. when your partner sees you doing things for them then they’ll do things back. If they dont while then im sorry, but case studies show this method is 82% effective.

Dont tell them that your doing this just do it. Also you say there over weight then have sex with them then after wards say lets go for a walk. Sometimes you have to motive people. People are that way. I think youll be happy within the month if you try this.

DR.Behr Behrens • 3/23/08; 2:00:57 PM

I have to say i have found it depressing and i have lost all my self confidence since i married my wife. We only got married a year ago and we have sex once a month and it lasts about 10 mins. She gets embaresed and covers herself up and i never get to see her without her clothes on. The thing that upsets me the most is that her friends constantly tell stories about how wild she was and how she used to make out with guys all the time. When we started to date it was pretty normal but now it is a real chore.

i wish i was a fat lazy ignorant idiot but i know that i am not. I cook her diner every night i do all our laundry and i clean our apartment. I dont actually like TV so i am never sitting around watching it although this is her favourite pass time !! what can i do i am at my wits end !!!!!!!!!!!!! s p • 4/13/08; 10:19:27 PM

Its amazing I happened upon this. I typed the same thing in the web search, why? Because I dont know what to do either. Ive turned to hating her. I clean house, do laundry, mow the lawn save her hundreds a year on car repairs, I can cook, clean, sew, hunt, fish, etc. etc.

I bring in a good living, and we have had a beautiful daughter together. My honeymoon was with her pregnant and unable to move much. Our frequency is once every six to eight months if I am lucky, and you know what? I just dont give a shit anymore. I too have lost interest in subjecting myself to her ever-changing reasoning behind why she is simply a selfish little child in her mind, who would first call me needy before she ever considered being a fucking LIAR and too inept and conscious thought to put any consideration beyond her own puppy-dog fairy tale life.

Guess what? You promised in front of everyone to take care of me, and you are a failure, and a lousy lay, and that extra fifty pounds you packed on and still I try to be attentive to you, but you shove me off like a piece of shit, and actually RESENT me for wanting anything at all? If I didnt think my daughter needed someone to offset your lousy nagging ass, I would be out of here like yesterdays flush.

Sure, if your a lazy ass that doesnt do anything around the house, and sticks her with all the work, then you dont deserve anything at all, but like most of these guys, who really do help out, and really do try to be what you always change around in your head, then there comes a point when little miss princess needs a boot to her sorry self centered ass.

I would recommend to anyone who can here, to dump these self-centered soap opera watching lazy bitches and get a good woman. If you suck it up and act like you give a shit about her, she just ends up soaking it up like a sponge, and doesnt reciprocate. Mention sex, and its always some problem or another.

You know what, self centered lazy ass little girl? Fuck you and your head up your ass.

Im taking my daughter and am OFF to a better life, while you sit here and try to figure out a way to explain what happened so “you” feel good about yourself. Welcome to the world of the old-maids.

FirstyLast • 4/17/08; 12:47:19 PM

1) Not all women are perfect

2) Not all men are perfect.

3) Find out what TURNS YOUR SPOUSE ON and HOW LONG IT TAKES and do it.

4) Find out what TURNS YOUR SPOUSE OFF and STOP DOING IT.

5) Drop the anger, the poor me, the whining; if you’re a male, BE A MAN, if your a female, BE A WOMAN, and don’t expect your spouse to be the one to clean up after you or take care of you.

6) Be nice. Always. Even if you’re angry, be civil. Don’t name call. Don’t use profanity. Don’t get drunk every night.

Basically, do all those things you learned in kindergarten, treat others the way you want to be treated, and most importantly BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND YOUR SPOUSE. And if you give up on your relationship because you didn’t do some of 1-6, it’s YOUR FAULT, not theirs. “a soft answer turns away wrath.” Eventually, the soft answer will win in the long run…unless there are mental issues — seriously — involved. In that case, hire a therapist.

BTW, I AM A GOOD WOMAN, working FULL TIME< going to school FULL TIME and raising four children. I cook, clean, pay half the bills, work on the house, etc. And guess what? Hubby still complains that I don’t do enough because I’m too tired to have sex more than 1-2 a week.

So, if your wife has told you she really doesn’t like it when you walk up to her and grab her boobs, or her crotch, stop!

Or if she’s asked you not to adjust your balls in public, can you please stop? And don’t get angry because she’s asked you to be normal?

Looking great is only half the attraction. Acting like a whiny a-hole is the real turnoff. I’ve never met a temper tantrum I’ve wanted to have sex with, either. And threatening me with anger, and telling me to get out of the house if I don’t like it really won’t get me to invite you into the sack. And I don’t need your money. That’s really not a turn on for me. It just makes housework easier and dinner a little tastier. But I can live without it.

So fellas, maybe you should take a long, hard look in the mirror and figure out what it is your doing to turn her OFF rather than why she won’t TURN YOU ON.

Good luck.

Self-Motivated for Life Motivated • 4/20/08; 10:03:02 PM

To: All men on this site,

The bottom is if your wife is not/refuses to have sex with you.. she is fucking someone else or wants to! PERIOD!… We are all humans and we all have basic needs.. even her. All the “wants and needs” bullshit is just that… BULL SHIT! That is why for the men that do, do those things still don’t get it. It will always be something with them… The women just doesn’t want to fuck you.. period.

I cheated on my wife with an ex-girlfriend.. My wife found out and except for the initial reaction that lasted about a week… It’s like nothing ever happened.. when asked why I did it… I reminded her how much she was making me jerk off….One would think that even after knowing the results of her unwillingness that she would be a little more open to making sure it doesn’t happen again right?.. but Nooooo .. her desire to just not want to fuck me out weighs any fear of me cheating on her again.. fucking weird…. But this is what I really think…

I think that first week was just an acting show or a reaction of “How dare he” mentality and she just really didn’t care because she is fucking someone too (no proof) just my gut feelings.. weird though!… The moral of my story is…. I did everything under the sun to excite her, to stimulate her, to help her around the house even though I work 7 days a week with 2 jobs, I have loved her, kissed her ass, pampered her, respected her and even CHEATED ON HER! and nothing works! You be the judge. So again .. to all the men that have wives who don’t fuck them… cheat on them .. they won’t care because they are fucking around on you but they’ll never admit it.

Truth Teller • 5/11/08; 2:43:21 PM

Well I feel that it is a wife and husbands duty to have sex with the other. This is not coming from me but from the bible. I can’t remember what verse but it goes like this. Wives come together with your husbands so they your marriage stay strong and he does not stray from his wife. Now I feel if a wife is not giving in to her husband sexually something is wrong with her. Men are men and are going to have sex no matter the situation. But women deal in so many damn feeling it is crazy. Life is to short to be unhappy so get up get out and get your if she does not come around. I am near that point in my marriage after 12 years.

Tommie • 5/22/08; 12:54:50 AM

This comment makes the most sense to me (by Lilith, above): “But as a woman, the bottom line about sex comes to this: Women aren’t turned on to men they don’t respect. Once a woman moves in with a man and she has to pick up after him, motivate him to do anything, constantly baby him, the man-woman relationship turns into the mother-child relationship. And women don’t want to have sex with their children – obviously.” This probably applies to most women, whether or not they realize it.

My wife and I have been married 17 years. Our sex life is good, but I have complained frequently that she wants sex too seldom, and that when she does it, most of the time she isn’t into it. Many of these times, it’s been due to transient problems in our lives, and stress about our children definitely is the #1 culprit.

Even IF the wife is turned on by you, it takes time for them to get in the mood, and all it takes is a fight with the kids over homework to douse the flickering flames of passion.

Recently, one of my wife’s old boyfriends was in town, and found my wife via Facebook. With my blessing, she arranged a visit with him. Very short–about an hour, in a public place, no touching, nothing improper. Yet the tension we both felt for the week before and after this meeting charged our sex life like it hadn’t been charged since we first met. It was incredible. So one of the things that must happen to married couples is you simply become complacent to the fact that your spouse is there, is yours, and loves you. In our case, just the specter of a threat, of competition, did something to me, and whatever it did to me made a huge inpression on her. We were f-ing like bunnies for a week.

I am definitely going to take Lilith’s advice and try not to be like my wife’s child…take charge…take a more active role in managing things…and see if she takes a more active role in initiating sex.

JB • 10/23/08; 10:22:53 PM

I’d have sex with my husband if I actually ever got an orgasm out of it! He says it’s my own responsibility to give myself an orgasm. He says it takes too long so he won’t go down on me. He complains that I just won’t give it to him so he gets what he wants. I complain because I get nothing out of it! Since when do I just have to let him have his way and he doesn’t have to do anything for me? He doesn’t care about what turns me on or what I like. He complains he can’t keep up with what I like or don’t like. He says he just wants to touch me here, touch me there, pentrate, come and be done with it! He doesn’t want to kiss or have any foreplay, or anticipation. If that’s the case what does he need me for??

In the beginning of our relationship I catered to him. After years of getting nothing, and him lying to me and drinking and doing drugs behind my back and getting physically violent I stopped even trying. He’s still mean and nasty to me and he claims it’s because I dont’ give him sex. I don’t give him sex because he doesn’t care about me, what I want, think, believe or need. He puts me down all of the time except when he wants sex. When he wants sex he’s nice to me for a few minutes. As soon as sex is over he walks out, clean himself up and ignores me for the rest of the day.

I challenge you men out ther to tell me how that is my fault? Why would I want to have sex with a man who simply uses me as an entry point and treats me like a second class citizen the rest of the time?? And I’m the mother of his children! Ann Marie • 12/23/08; 10:46:51 AM

Lots of interesting comments here. Women are convinced that if the man would behave better they would provide more sex. The men are convinced that no matter how they act their sex life is destine to suck (not in a good way). I too am in the same position as the husband from this story but having dealt with it and experimented for years, i am convinced that no matter how i behave, My sex life never gets any better.

My Wife and i have had this very conversation time and time again. After learning about her concerns, i work very hard for a very long time to be the husband she is looking for. Positive, pay attention, be proactive, turn the tv off, fun disposition, etc. Sex is better for a short while and then it drops off while i maintain my “good behavior”. As a result, i start to get frustrated, angry, bitter and resentful towards my wife and my behavior changes. I am not trying to punish her at all.

As far as the comment just above this one where the woman says her man wont go down on her. Do you swallow his semen? i would guess that you don’t. It’s disgusting right? Well maybe he feels the same about going down on you. bh • 1/20/09; 1:57:17 PM

I’ve been going through the same thing here and going through counseling. Our therapist explained it like this, if there is no heat, the furnace shuts down.

My wife has no interest in sex. To avoid it being an issue or getting myself worked up for nothing, I just ignored her. So I went back to doing all the romance stuff like flowers cards and love notes, making an extra effort in house cleaning and doing more things with the kids. Then took her on vacation for a week like a second honeymoon. Nothing!

So back to the therapist’s comment about heat and the furnace. Is there any point in me attempting to turn up the heat by pressing the buttons I’m allegedly supposed to be pushing when the heat never kicks in? Or is it time to just get a new furnace?

Jeremy • 2/18/09; 10:13:45 AM

Married 15 years. I have always had to wait for my husband to want to have sex with me. Even though it only ok…Just because it was the only way I felt like he really cared for me those 10 minutes of one on one attention meant everything…

i am blonde, blue eyed and I take care of my body in the hopes that he would want to screw me sometime. I play freaky for him, sexy, dress up, strip whatever just to entice him… he has let himeself go, he is hairy and chubby and I still tried to keep him happy.

No, I don’t know why either… He was my first and one and only, but recently I wanted to find someone that I did not have work so hard to please… I asked for a divorce and he does not understand why…I think we all need a new contract with marriage now.

Sex has to be good for both partners and given when wanted without bitching about it and if you want to screw a nice body then you should take care of your own as well. These are just a few that I would like to see in the marital contract with the clause that if there is a breech of contract that marriage is null and void or you get to go screw someone else without guilt or retribution.

Anna • 3/21/09; 5:13:51 PM

First of all it isn’t a man/woman issue. It is a “need sex/don’t need sex” issue. Every individual is different – regardless of gender – and there is always one person in the relationship that wants to have sex more than the other. Sometimes it is the man sometimes it is the woman. I think people get wrapped up in the gender roles and they miss the bigger picture.

Secondly, marriage isn’t just about love. It is about the “restriction of trade.” When you say “I do” you are agreeing to meet the sexual needs of your partner – in return for them not having them met by anyone else. This major responsibility isn’t always understood by the person with few sexual needs (because their need is minor “how hard could it be.”)

SIDE NOTE: It has been said “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket,” well that person must not have been married.

Now then, we have created an interesting situation in which the person who is desired has all the power. This power inevitably corrupts and the desired one starts using it to get things they want from the other person.

You want sex from me? Well sure, but first you need to do 1, 2, and 3. The cycle begins. The person who has the desire (and therefore the weakness) begins thinking there are things THEY can do to make the other person want them. In many cases this is an illusion. There is no secret. No perfect behavior that can change the fact that your partner just doesn’t need sex as much as you.

You want to change them. They want to change you. In marriage you will always feel like you are giving more than the other person. Accept and use your difference to bring you closer the way most people use their similarity.

Most importantly, don’t hurt anyone.

Michael Leer • 3/25/09; 1:32:21 PM

My gf have never wanted sex with me, she told me she likes me coz im a nice guy but shes not attracted to me, we now have a son. she has no sex drive at all, she is only 27. she never initiates it and always pushes me away. i am sick and tired of this rejection , i try to find a girl she yells at me after finding out. she expects me to live in a sexless relationship with her. we dont talk we dont do anything. i have tried all i can to be a nomral person and happy. im 39 , things are not working as they should i find it hard to get it up and cum when i masturbate. things are a joke, soon i will loose all feeling down there. she does not care, she also said she thought i was old enough to not want sex.

i feel trapped and cannot escape, tonight i spoke with a girl who was so fun so great to talk to. makes me not want to talk to my gf, this is wrong but i blame her for everything., i am so sick aand tired of trying so damn hard to get nothing in return. i am so scared to even initiate sex coz i know i will be rejected. i have spent years on a adult dating site being rejected by every girl i message. i have even thought about a prostitue, but if i did that i know there would be no turning back. i give up, i am so sick of women treating me this way. i dont know what is wrong with me, but obviuosly all women make me feel worthless. i am not ugly or fat. but i must be ugly to women.

sick of the games i really am.

loser • 3/28/09; 9:46:56 AM

THEY DON’T CARE OR AT LEAST A LOT OF THESE WOMEN DON’T. TAKE THE ONE WHO POSTED 1ST. SO SHE WANTS HER MAN TO GET HER TO FEEL LIKE HAVING SEX BY TALKING TO HER 1ST. DID SHE THINK IF SHE HAS SEX 1ST HE WILL TALK TOO. THEY DON’T WANT TO MEET HALF WAY THEY WANT IT THEIR WAY. YOU SHOW ME A MAN THAT GETS A BJ ON A GOOD TIME FRAME I’LL SO YOU A HAPPY WIFE TOO. THIS IS FACT WE ARE HAPPIER WHEN WE HAVE SEX. AND THAT MEANS THAN YOU WILL BE HAPPY BECAUSE WE WILL BE DOING THINGS WITHOUT YOU SAYING TO KNOW WHY CAUSE WERE HAPPY. STOP SAYING HE IS NOT MAKING YOU HAPPY CAUSE YOU AIN’T MAKING HIM HAPPY EITHER.

THEY SUCK • 4/9/09; 12:04:57 AM

Men try an Adult dating website to find a sex partner. Women cry cry cry. Some men are babies however most women use sex as a tool to get what they want. Thats not very mature now is it. Maybe divorce your man and go for “Russ”. Thats right “Russ” is broke!!!!

Deez Nutz • 4/27/09; 11:16:23 AM

.

Poor Ted • 4/27/09; 4:17:24 PM

The fact is, there are two types of men. There are the fun types, and the marrying types. The fun types are the guys that women sow their wild oats with. The marrying types are the guys that women settle down with, once they’ve sowed enough, and are at the point in their lives where they are looking for something more.

I’m the marrying type. I make a good income. I treat my wife with respect and care, and bust my ass to keep the house and yard neat, so that there’s less for her to do. I’m an active and involved parent who willingly takes on more than an equal share of the parenting so that my wife can work extra hours at her job. I’m fit, play hockey, and work in the reserves as an infantry officer. I’m not a pussy whipped wimp – I live my life, make decisions, and bring a lot to the table as a partner in the relationship. Many of her friends comment on what a great husband she has, and guess what? None of it means shit when it comes to the bedroom.

Marrying types are fucking fools. My wife whooped it up before we met – one night stands, a drawer full of negligee, multiple partners in a day, and good times all around. Do you think I get to share that excitement with her? Not a chance. If I offer her a kiss when she comes home, I get a cheek and a blast of cold air. We’ve had sex maybe 10 times in the last two years, and probably longer, as I was too preoccupied trying to figure out why I was being turned down constantly to think about idly keeping track of just how long it’s been. Sex used to be as much a part of our relationship as breathing. Then, it just got turned off, with a myriad of excuses.

I played it respectfully and compassionately. She’s tired, I understand that. No pressure, just be patient – wait a week or two, and if the right moment should seem to come along maybe make a move.

Nope.

Maybe we’re lacking romance. Don’t be overbearing – just try to do the little things over the next month or two that let her know how much you care. A long stemmed rose on the spur of the moment. Gift certificate to the massage salon for a day of pampering. A card, just because. Who’s up for a bubble bath and a foot rub?

Denied. But hey, thanks for being so sweet.

After a year, where the only action was a couple of occasions where she awoke feeling horny at 3 a.m. and pretty much just woke me up by climbing on board, scratching her itch, and going back to the status quo, I just gave up asking. She doesn’t seem to notice or care. I’ve reached the point where it’s easier to not ask than to wear the constant rejection.

We talked quite openly about our past when we met. Our sex life has been so sparse, when I think of her in the act, it’s with another guy. I’ve got nothing but distant memories of what we used to do, and they just seem so long ago that it wasn’t really us. The rejection hurts so much, there’s actually solace in the anger that comes from “You used to do that with a stranger, but won’t do anything with me?”

Life as the marrying type: Coming to terms with the fact that, not that long ago, a guy your wife just met in a bar had a better chance of scoring with her for the price of a few drinks than you do now.

Max • 5/10/09; 3:01:06 AM

I am in the same predicament as all these other guys. Wife stopped wanting to have sex, won’t explain why, won’t change. Well I’ve done a lot of research, and heres what i’ve concluded. The part of the female brain that interperates emotion is 5 times larger than that of a man. The part of the male brain that processes sexual behavior is 5 times larger than that of a woman. This is whay we are having these problems.

when a couple meets the sex is great and plentifull. but when kids come into the picture all of that goes right otut the window. The reason for this is because there is a part of the female brain that is directly stimulated by your sexual advances. she needs this stimulated. but when you have children that part of her brain that was stimulated by having sex with you is now being stimulated by the children. you get the leftovers. a women will give you all the sex you want untill she gets what she needs , and then she give just enough to keep you around to help raise the children. This is nature. Now, they do not know they are doing this, and probably won’t admit it. They like the image of being complicated.

they are five times more emotional than us, we are 5 times more sexual than them. this is nature. THE ONLY DIFFERNCE IS THAT WE ARE WILLING TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND THEM AND MAKE THE RELATIONSHIP WORK. THEY COULD CARE LESS ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL, AND WHAT YOU NEED. THEY DON’T NEED US OR OUR SEX!!

They expect us to magically stop needing sex. Well ladies, that will never ever ever happen. just like you will never stop needing purses and shoes etc. SO MAN UP. IF YOU WANT TO BE TREATED A CERTAIN WAY, THEN EARN IT LIKE YOU DID WITH THE GUY WHO DIDN’T EVEN DESERVE IT.

Guys; if you r wife acts like this, It will probably never change. FIND A WOMAN WHO IS CONFIDENT AND CARES ENOUGH TO TAKE CARE OF HER MAN.

Nate • 5/15/09; 11:35:23 AM

Max (5/10/09) has hit the nail right on the head in his post.

Sir – I salute you.

Joe • 6/3/09; 7:41:38 A

You know what … I agree with you, why should guys let the constant lack of sex let them feel so down. I mean, they make such a big deal of it. It’s just another need, much like food. It’s not like they need it that much. You know, like when you don’t eat, you just die, no big deal, just be freaking happy while you starve to death. Is that asking for much? Stupid guys.

James D. • 6/12/09; 3:46:31 AM

Sure…blame the guy! Gotta luv it. Honey, fess up…you married the wrong guy and simply do not want to have sex with him.

Flim flam • 6/29/09; 1:16:53 PM

See I was yet another man that started off my search with “wife wont have sex with me”. I’ve read your story and the problem I have with it is this: You affect your husband, just as he affects you.” One of the main things in my relationship is my wife wanting me to be happy with less. It seems almost like she just wants me to get used to it and I think thats terrible.

I tried the just being happy, just pushing it aside and after awhile I just felt myself growing more bitter. We had a short dating time then right into marriage. We been together for a little under 2 years and in that time I’ve just watched her become more and more distant, but still somehow want me to be in the direct area of her.

When it comes down to it if you are acting a certain way, then you are affecting your partner and since you are not trying to bring your relationship back to a normal setting I do not see the point of him trying either. He’s allowed to be hurt. He’s aloud to be bitter. He is responding to your actions.

So it’s very nice that you have all these rules as to how the relationship can get better. When you marry someone you take ion responsibitlity for there emotions somewhat. If you take away something he should just what? Be ok with it. I think it’s amazing how many people think that love and romance and connection are not important to a relationship. It is and when people push it out of the way or push it aside thats when people cheat.

I’m not trying to be mean but it is. You take away love and romance and you expect people to be happy? Really? Why did you get married then? Why even say he is your husband? He’s not. He’s your friend and babysitter. I’d be pretty miffed too. If he wanted to just be our friend thats what he would be. Then you could have a marginal relationship with someone else and he could have love and romance some place else. Everyones happy.

I’m not trying to be mean but come on. What your asking your husband to do is have half a life with you but call it a full relationship. Yoou are asking him to play house. You are cutting off his penis in essence. Go ahead google it. How many marriages last without the physical act of love? Not many. No one wants to be brainwashed.

Making your husband feel bad for wanting you? For wanting to be close to you? For wanting to make love to you? God forbid he wants that right? And then for having his feeling hurt when the rejection sets in? Lady it’s love. What do you expect. Not many people can live without love, nor can they lead a happy life with out it either.

He’s hurt and what you want him to be is not hurt. Then you would have to change something about the relationship and he would to. Either realize you are hurting him, you are affecting him and give in a little…or let him go because the physical act of love is important to most everyone not having some sort of power struggle.

See this, this story is the reason people cheat on each other. It probably did not start off with snide comments to you. He hopefully tried to talk to you about it and you what? Pushed it aside. Now he’s hurt and pissed maybe and you just don’t understand but you do. This is why people cheat. So please dont be surprised when he does or he leaves you. See he’s hurt and he’s responding to you. He feels punished so yeah he would be on the defensive. Someone has to give and if he does and he sees he does then I think he would just feel like he was doing what he has been doing all along. Giveing in to you. He already feel punished and then you feel punished but you know what? Again he is responding to you and changes that have happened in your life that doesnt exactly make him happy so why should he keep acting like it does?

If he sees you withdrawing something that he finds important and then he withdraws something you find important why does your feeling ulitmately matter more? Listen, if sex and the physical act of love were not important to a relationship then the human race would have died out a long time ago and if our husband just anted to be friends with you he probably wouldnt have married you becaue when it comes down to it, love is important so you cant brainwash someone into ignoring that fact. Most people are not wired that way.

Tell me this: Has he come to you and tried to touch ou? Tried to get something started? And you have what? pushed him away? told him not now? maybe later? When was the last time you touched him? seduced him? Made him feel beautiful? See the thing is this: You cant give in and he’s tired of giving in and I agree with him. It sucks to go without loving your wife. It sucks to lay down next to your wife and know that if you just start touching her she’ll push you away. It sucks to know that she has no time for you or your feeling. It sucks to continually push your feeling aside and be the big adult.

The thing is this: All your little rules that he’s suppose to do for a month tell me that you do not accept him either or how he has changed. Lose wieght? Hopefully you have not actually told him that to his face. No everyone thinks of sex as just rutting. A lot of people think of it as one way to connect with your spouse on a level that is different from everyone else in the world.

That’s all I got. He feels punished and you feel punished. He wants you to change and you want him not to react. It sucks. relationships fail when you take away the physical act of love uness you are in your 70’s which you are not.

Here’s an idea. You give in and maybe he’ll give in. Don’t make him change while you do not. Open up and maybe he will to. It has to start soemwhere and since it probably started with him responding to you why shouldnt it end with that as well.

Paul • 6/30/09; 8:14:56 AM

Wow. After months of the same issues that most of the guys on here have experienced, and reading these posts, it just makes me want to go dump my wife. Even though we have kids and everything. The torment that I go through in my mind due to the lack of sex is worse than it would be if I were just alone and didn’t ever see my kids. Eventually we’ll just break up anyway because either I will cheat on her, she will cheat on me, or one of us will just decide to leave.

I think I am just going to end it now before I waste any more of my time, because I am not the kind of guy who is just going to let someone else rob me of my happiness. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

John Galt • 8/28/09; 11:32:56 PM

13 Responses to “Wistful Writes”

  1. ToppHogg Says:

    Lilith (8/24/07; 10:49:30 AM) was absolutely correct when she said, “Women aren’t turned on to men they don’t respect.” And she was right about those childish men who do turn into needy dependents being a reason why women lose respect. But not all men are dependent. Check out Max (5/10/09; 3:01:06 AM). He’s a caring, accomplishes guy who is sensitive to his wife. But does that get him any sex creds? Be serious! Somehow, his wife has still lost respect for him. He may well be to blame for this (military officers can be so authoritarian!), but nonetheless he’s no longer respected by his wife – and nothing he does repairs the damage. Where (if he is to blame) is the forgiveness? Where is the acceptance of who he is and what he is? Where’s the love?

    VKK (6/22/07; 6:01:10 AM) – despite the religious stuff he includes – has an interesting thought on why women lose respect for their husbands. To paraphrase, he feels it has to do with social status: A woman wants a man more if his status is higher than hers. Once she marries him, she takes his status herself and is an equal. If it is a good match, they can and do live happily ever after (I had a relative who enjoyed this situation, so I know it can happen from experience). But if the now-married woman has other ambitions or needs which aren’t being met, it has now become her husband’s responsibility in her mind and by societal convention to provide them. Should he fail, she diminishes his status in her eyes. Now that she deems herself superior to him, she can no longer respect him – and the sex becomes a memory. It won’t return until either she has forced him to become HER image of a perfect sex partner, or she finds someone else who already is. He’s on his own.

    In some ways, Ann Marie (12/23/08; 10:46:51 AM) – whose complaints earn my sympathy – exemplifies this even though she is likely correct to be blaming her husband for not taking care of his wife’s sexual needs. By not doing so, he has lost the respect of his woman. She can no longer want sex with him. If he was doing all of the things Ann Marie wants, and she wasn’t maintaining her side of the exclusive sexual bargain, she would be a good example of what I’m saying regarding VKK’s comments. But he isn’t, and she sounds like she needs a man who would take some time and give it to her good – and in the way she asks. (Personal to Ann Marie: I like to pamper my partners with the kind of sex attention that you desire!)

    Anna (3/21/09; 5:13:51 PM) has the right basic idea: “I think we all need a new contract with marriage… with the clause that if there is a breech of contract that marriage is null and void or you get to go screw someone else without guilt or retribution.”

    There are practical considerations that complicate the simplicity, but she does rightly point out that marriage as we currently understand it may well be the problem. Many years ago, Katharine Hepburn said that men and women shouldn’t live together, but should be close neighbors and visit often. There was a reporter with a British newspaper who recently wrote about having a “special friend” with whom she had a child even though she knew he wasn’t marriage material (Good girl! Why ruin three lives?). People are beginning to discover that there may well be a better option than the traditional marriage. Each person has their own space and don’t have to fight over controlling it and destroy what intimacy prospects there are. Each can still explore new relationship prospects without all the emotional and legal barriers to doing so. As long as responsibilities to children are met (the “special friend” is an attentive and doting father), who – besides those who cling to ancient folk tales for clues on living the modern life – can condemn people for finding a better way to maintain a connected relationship? Adults don’t need a mythical cloud being to make them meet their responsibilities. Adults can make their own decisions about who to partner with for sex.

  2. Lee Says:

    I found the this site by trying to look for ideas to make sex better for my wife. We both waited to have sex until we were married so we are both each other’s firsts. We’ve been together almost three years and our sex life has went from bad to worse. She only gets pleasure from direct clitoral stimulation either from fingering or oral, with oral being out of the question because she finds it gross. On the rare occassions when we try to have sex its always in a rear entry position so that I can rub her at the same time. During sex I always ask her if there is something she wants or if there is something I can do to make it more pleasing to her and most of the time her answer is I don’t know. Normally the end result of us trying to have sex is pushing my hand away from her clit and asking me to stop everything. (she loses arousal and things become painful for her). On the occassions that I do manage to give her an orgasm by rubbing her, everything will stop there because she says everything becomes painful after she orgasms, and i get to go to bed without because I put so much effort into pleasing her, I didn’t tend to my own needs enough for an ejaculation. I have tried getting mine first and then finishing her off with my fingers but, things will stop right after I cum because she finds gross as well. I’ve asked her many times what can I do to make things better for her and I alwasy ask if there is postion she wants to try or prefer. I never get an answer for a position she always says just what ever. I did eventually get an answer to the other though. She told me once that sometimes I’m too rough, I don’t spend enough time in foreplay, and I’m not romantic enough. I’ve really tried to soften my tough as best as I can which is hard because I’m not a senstive person and what feels rough to some is just a normal touch to me. I’ve been trying to spend more time in foreplay and making things romantic for her. I even told her that I wouldn’t try to penetrate her until she told me she was ready just to be sure. To try and increase the foreplay and romance, I gave her gentlemassages and let her make out as long as she wanted. ( We both enjoying mkaing out with each other, and i would love to be able to have sex with my wife in positions where can make out but have been unable to do so because withouth me rubbing her sex becomes painful for her really quick.) While making out I try to rub her body slowly and softly sometimes she would guide me hands where she wanted to feel my touch sometimes she wouldn’t. Despite efforts to increase the foreplay and romance, and me trying to soften my touch we ran into one of two problems. The first problem is when we would transition from fore play to a position for penetration she would lose arousal and go instantly dry (that amazed me how fast she could lose it and it happens frequently and we both go to bed upset.) The other problem is that she wanted foreplay for so long that I would get bored and lose interrest in sex all together and would just want to go to bed. We’ve tried a couple of different lubricants but so far she hasn’t licked any of them. I eventually gave up on that and told her it would probably best if she did some research to find one that she liked because I was at a lose as to what she wanted in a lube. I asked her if she wanted to try a trojan finger vibe, or a regular vibe to see if that would since sometimes i’m still a bit to rough ( I’m really trying to soften). She also close to the idea of a karma sutra. Things have gotten to the point that I don’t even like hugging or kissing her anymore, which she complains about. She also complains that I don’t look at her with the same desiring look that I had when we were dating and when we first got married. I simply got tired of hugging and making out with her because it would only lead to me getting very aroursed and then having no way to release. I’ve tried to explain to her that I love to hug, kiss, and snugle with her but it turns me on and its frustrating that we can’t every successfully have sex. The reason I’m seeking help now is because I lost 100% all desire to keep trying to find a way to make her happy in bed and once i realised it I hated it, because I want us to have a healthy relationship on all levels.

    • Yeah, right Says:

      Hey, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this is unlikely to change. Her attitude towards sex is like not liking brussel sprouts. The odds are good she wont later on down the road. Typically from my experience, which is significant, girls either foster a good attitude about sex early or a bad one. Yours clearly fostered the latter. She doesn’t give sex a second thought. That’s why shes all “I dont know”. Either that or shes *so* hung up about it that she couldn’t possibly imagine telling you what she likes or wants.” My wife is relatively shy insofar as vocalizing what she likes. Only during the most heated sex will she say things like harder or dont stop. But I can’t recall her ever saying that she liked a particular act as it was happening.
      Secondly, if you are doing her, she cums and then gives you nothing, that’s entirely unacceptable.
      ENTIRELY. She sounds spoiled and I know this is easier said than done and I don’t know that I could do it but what I would *want* to do is break up with her the next time she pussies out in bed and kick her out.
      The repercussions of her weak showing in bed might resound in her if there is some tangible punishment when it happens. God it makes me angry just thinking about.
      She’s just not realistic. She’s all in her head and not in bed. If I had to guess without reading the entirety of your post, she loves to cuddle and if given the option, would only cuddle and never have sex. Am i right? Did I pretty much nail it? She wants the extended foreplay not because it increases her sexual desire but because it’s a form of attention and cuddling.She could give a *shit* that the foreplay is precursor to sex.

      I couldn’t do it man.
      I just..
      couldn’t…
      do it.

  3. Don Says:

    Someone has alluded to the comments I’m about to make, but I want to reiterate and expand on them.

    Let’s forget about John’s issues for a second, which are definitely there and definitely torpedoing Wistful’s libido (assuming Wistful is or was ever really attracted to her husband… weasel words like ‘I still have a high libido’ don’t count). I like her practically gushing endorsement of Russ, he of the ‘rocky relationship’ variety. If you look at Russ’ good qualities, you can pretty much scrub out 1-4 and 6 because they were having sex everyday. This was kind of logic my ex-wife used to employ.

    “When you complain about the lack of sex, it turns me off! Look at Russ! He never complained about lack of sex.”

    “What about Russ? You two had sex everyday! There was no lack of sex to get angry about!”

    “… well… he still didn’t get angry!”

    Number 5 I take issue with because one of the deadliest sins a man can phrase when talking about the clashing libido dynamic is the notion that maybe, just maybe, a woman is withholding sex as punishment. I DON’T DO THAT is the battle cry in return (as I roll my eyes). But man isn’t showing caring or affection? Obviously, he’s withholding it, because there is no possible reason why he may not feel very caring or affectionate toward the wife he hasn’t slept with in months (as I roll my eyes again).

    Okay, so that isn’t going to get us very far. Then I happen upon the ‘to do’ list that Wistful writes to her husband.

    Oh yes, because as a guy that used to be in a sexless marriage, there was nothing better than the old ‘do x and maybe you’ll get a little more y’ gambit to get the ‘correct’ behaviour out of you. Let me take things in turn:

    1. Be happy.

    – Because I really don’t give a shit about why you may be unhappy. Your unhappiness is inconvenient and irritating. Stop it. Just be happy.

    2. Care about health and appearance. Don’t smoke and lose the 20 lb gut.

    – Not because I’m shallow or anything…

    3. Be more interested in greeting and talking to wife than watching tv.

    – You know, the wife who thinks you’re too fat to fuck and your unhappiness is cramping her style. Can’t imagine why you’d pick the solace of television over her…

    4. Be able to stand on own 2 feet as a fully functioning happy adult, not dependent on wife to have a happy life. Act like life is brimming with hope and possibility, have a relaxed, fun disposition, not dependent on having sex with wife to start living and being a happy person.

    – Okay, this one I’ll give her. She’s absolutely right… except I believe once he started doing that, she’d feel threatened his happiness is self-generated and she’d lose the power she had over him. Perhaps I’m wrong, but judging by what she wrote, I just get this vibe from her.

    5. Never exhibit the problem behaviors of complaining, displaying anger, withdrawing, making wife prove her love, listed above.

    – Hmm, this sounds reasonable, but somehow I’m reading this as ‘don’t bother me by communicating your frustrations, anger and insecurity with me. Just act happy, no matter what your situation is like, because I’m unable or unwilling to admit that maybe my attitudes and behaviours are contributing to your depression’

    As I said, John has is share of issues, but like another commenter mentioned, Wistful seems completely oblivious to her husband’s depression, nor having a meaningful conversation about it.

    This scenario reminds me so much of my ex-wife and I. And I was probably suffering from depression through those years, like John is. I have a lot of my own douche-baggish, needy behaviour to account for, but my ex simply didn’t want to engage at all the reality that she wasn’t attracted to me, and nothing I did saved that. It was much easier for her to shrug her shoulders and say I wasn’t happy so there than actually talking to me.

  4. Anonymous Says:

    You want what you can’t have women are like that

  5. thetruthhurts Says:

    OK, tha’ts it, I’m making a post because I’m tired of all this BS that women put out on these forums, especially to the guys who are posting to them who are having problems with their wives being selfish, fickle asses.
    FIrstly, IF you knew what the hell you were talking about and actually knew your men and what the REAL problem is….they wouldn’t be posting. I’ll bet you never talk to them in earnest.
    Secondly, these are men who want it to work and have already tried all the stuff you bitch about them not doing!
    Thirdly, you expect them to cater to you, be romantic, do this, do that, flowers, back rubs, foot rubs and last but not least READ YOUR DAMNED MINDS! I’m willing to bet that most of the women who post these insanely long posts trying to tell men what they are doing wrong, well….THEIR husbands rarely see the postings!

    To the guys, I’m here to point out the obvious. If a woman is attracted to you and wants you inside of her then you’ll be having great marital sex and if she doesn’t then you will not. It couldn’t be more simple. It ALL boils down to what the woman wants.
    Instead of talking with you and saying this is the REAL reason why we don’t have sex but once a year, all we get is this complicated list of bullshit that women think you should do and is 99% nonsense. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying don’t be romantic or stop being nice or anything like that. What I am saying is that after a certain point of trying to get them to come around, the fault is absolutely on their shoulders. There is a certain point where ALL of their excuses are no longer valid. I am at that point with my wife and she gets pissed because SHE is running out of excuses. It’s too fucking easy to just tell men straight up. No it has to be packed with 100% BS filler and yet WE are supposed to weed it out and use up months and years of our lives to do so.

    Anyway guys, tell me, does this sound familiar?
    1. I’m tired and have no energy. NO, she doesn’t have energy for YOU! However, there is ALWAYS plenty of energy for her to do what she really wants to do! She can work in the yard and garden for 4 hours, got to a fucking dance class and run a 10k on the weekend but no energy to make love to her husband. This is a classic with mine.

    2. My body has changed after I had the babies and it’s no longer my own, it takes a long time to heal. Yes, this is true for a while and women DO need time to heal but unless your 5 year old is stil breast feeding, sucking on them shouldn’t be weird to her. If it’s 3 years or more after the fact then she’s bullshitting you!

    3. My back (fill in the blank) hurts. My wife’s excuse was that her back hurt so I went out and bought a damned $500+ dollar memory foam mattress. Now there is more frustration because that can’t be used as an excuse anymore!

    4. I’m stressed out at work. OH REALLY?!?! Well guess what? SO THE FUCK ARE WE!! Back when my wife cared about me it was ok for me to come home dead dog tired and frustrated. I would havet to work at being intimate with her BUT as long as I did things were fine. She however thinks that i’ts ok to be cold with me 10 months out of the year because oh, oh , oh, her work is SOOOOOO stressful. Really it’s not. She just chooses to use up her emotional energy on things that she can’t and will not ever control rather than giving her husband a little attention.

    I could go on and on with the excuses I’ve heard just from my own wife. There is really one way around this. If you are married and have no children just pack you bags, take what is yours and go get the papers for her to sign. If it’s your house, kick her ass out on the curb for this shit. If children are involved, stay for the children if you must but if you want to start you life over and not wait for the fucking stars to align just to make love then get out and take the kids with you. Start over and find someone who does love you enough that they want to be intimate with you voluntarily. You’re not getting any younger and why should you waste your life on BS?

  6. Yeah, right Says:

    I’m similar to hubby in the original post but without the jerkface attitude. We have one child who’s 6 and we used to have sex every day or so when we were younger and interested in everything about each other. Now, I can get conciliatory oral sex if I push the matter somewhat and haven’t done so in a few days. I always feel like I’m putting her out.
    Now, historically, when I’ve complained or gotten so angry after so many rejections that *I* caused a fight about it ( I never, EVER do that) the reasoning from her has been numerous ranging from reasonable (someone in the next room or that shes really upset about something unrelated) to the laughable (why dont we do it in the morning instead!).

    What I don’t get is that, she *loves* it when it happens. She has 1 or more orgasms that shake her to pieces and yet, she does absolutely *nothing* to ever do it again. If I didn’t initiate it, it wouldn’t happen. It’s that simple.
    So, I understand that hormones and emotions change. I do. But, ladies listen up, we are *so* easy to please.
    Is giving out a 5 minute handjob such an ordeal that you would rather have a resentful husband than one that feels like his wife is taking care of him properly? Before you get all womens lib on me, the fact remains that in our society, a “good” wife looks after her husbands needs – particularly in that area, and the man takes care of the woman’s needs – typically by providing all the resources the woman requires. Like it or not, this is how the general american populous thinks; at least the men do.
    I know we men want it more than you women do. This isn’t a point worth arguing because any example you might site would be the anomoly and not the rule.
    Also, I’ll point out that whenever my wifes requirements, whether it be emotional or tangible (I need a new X,Y,Z) have been meet as a requirement for her mental sexual health, nothing has ever changed.
    Not once. In fact, I can only site one time in 18 years that she initiated it. I still fantasize about that since it’s such a rare thing.
    I’m pretty certain that there isn’t a fix, say sorry.
    There aren’t many success stories out there, are there. There are plenty of these types of posts but never any about “Holy crap! I did XYZ and now our sex life has done a 180!”
    That’s why I decided that if the opportunity arose to cheat on my wife on a purely physical level, that I would take it.
    I love my wife but sex is something important to me. Shes already said in the past that it wouldn’t bother her so much if I had sex with someone that was only sex and not emotional. This wasn’t her way of condoning an affair, of course. But I can’t live without her but I don’t want to live the rest of my life without a reasonable sex life either.
    I’m done trying to talk her into it so I will never *ever* come onto her again. ( I haven’t in over 6 months)
    And the sad part is
    She’ll never notice.

    • Yeah, right Says:

      Oh I want to add, that unlike hubby in the main post, I don’t come home with a shitty attitude. I don’t bite my wifes head off for any reason whatsoever. My daughter and I get along GREAT and its me that has to stop the wife from being such an asshole to our daughter. I don’t drink, I don’t obsess so greatly over whats on my computer that I ignore everything else in the house (like she does) and I work full time…sometimes 70 hours a week.
      Like someone pointed out – shes got plenty of time for the things she likes and not 5 fucking minutes for me.
      I’m the good guy and I get zero for it.
      Karma doesn’t exist.

  7. ocjoe Says:

    It’s clear to me after reading so many comments that the only ones coming to this site and participating are the one’s that don’t need to. If you’re looking for answers online and reading a lengthy blog like this then you’re probably more balanced and mature than your spouse. The comment section should be turned into a divorce help / dating section.

  8. Brent Says:

    My wife is currently withdrawing from sex, and well it sucks. I accept that I could be more physically attractive, but I am not unattractive. I can tell when women flirts with me at work, and I do nothing.

    She complains that all I want her for is sex…well yeah…I want sex, all guys want sex, but that’s not all I want you for.. I love you, guys connect with sex. If we’re not getting it then we think the relationship is broken…

    My advice to women is to just have sex with your man, regularly even if it ain’t that good…because men need to blow their load regularly.

    My wife says its repulsive if I masturbate….we’ll I would rather have sex.

    My wife says she can’t have sex because she feels used… Wtf!

    I can’t win, seriously yes I could be the confident “boyfriend” type that women seem to want….if I wasn’t married, but I am married… That means I when I want sex I have to have it with you…so stop denying it and put out.

    Of course your good boyfriend was more confident…he had options…he didn’t have to pressure you for anything because there were plenty of fish in the sea.

    Women just lay your hubbies, stop looking for imperfections and being stuck up and accept that if your married…yes you should be making out with your hubby once a day.

  9. Anonymous Says:

    Female married for 7 years the first time. Problem with sex, I was self conscience and he was too. Acting out what he saw in a porno didn’t help ether. We never had any communication as well. Ended in divorce because we were not honest with each other. Happily married now but still a bit self conscience. I want to please my husband. He is a hard worker, good looking, and respectful. I feel I’m not good enough for him. Reading these comments was a nice refresher to remind me that our sex life is good. Did anyone try therapy or voice their opinions with respect to their partner. Did you think you were going to be in love everyday? Be sexually attracted to each other forever? Don’t make me laugh. There are days my husband looks chubby to me, really not in mood, and I still do and enjoy him. He has done the same for me even when he is too tired or not in the mood. Marriage is about sacrifices and compromises. For women and men!

  10. zabielski Says:

    Can you feel the weight of the baggage being carried by earlier posts? To understand the issue consider your partner’s emotional, biological and societal needs.
    The cast and back-story: I’m a male, fit and active at 60, with a lovely, petite wife (the word ‘elfin’ has been used to describe her). We had a strange married life as I worked overseas, almost always. Julia (not her name, but better than “my wife”) is a faithful wife, with one exception that I was told about (by her, in advance) and one she’s kept secret and denies. I’ve come close, through lack of civilised company, to forming quite a few relationships with visiting business women, nurses and volunteers on short-term assignments in Africa, Asia and elsewhere. Only once did I cross the line: slow and gentle sex with a saleswoman in the pre-fabricated holiday home I was promoting – in the central arena of the Rand Easter Show, Johannesburg after the public had left and only the last of the exhibitors were strolling around outside. Just could not resist the whole damn’ thing!
    We separated in 2005 – we remained good friends, either visiting each other or house-swapping for one weekend a month. My last overseas posting looked like keeping me in Eastern Europe for many years so we sold both little houses and bought a bigger one. Two months later my project folded, I was redundant and back in the UK. Oh, and I’d developed a degenerative neurological disorder.
    Suddenly the lovely woman has a disabled, grumpy, resentful husband in the house again. This was unpleasant for both of us for a couple of years, until the right mix of prescription medication got me mobile and back to work. A pleasant side-effect of the drugs is a heightened libido, which I think we both enjoyed… but apparently not so, as yesterday I typed “Why Doesn’t My Wife Enjoy Sex With Me?” into a well-known search engine. A final bit of background (seems I too have baggage): Julia travelled away to a fancy-dress party last night, hosted by an earlier employer – a man for whom she still has a great deal of affection, a man who clearly felt the same about her – but he’s recently married again. Julia’s always been honest about how difficult it had been not to have an affair with him. I insisted she went, to address any lingering yearnings there may otherwise be and, if it comes to it, to rearrange a few lives to fit. We’ve spoken briefly by ‘phone since the party and I look forward to seeing her when she returns tomorrow night, to see where we are.
    And finally, we get to the point: this morning I read Janice Turner’s review of ‘What Do Women Want?’ by Daniel Bergner in the Saturday Review section of The Times (20 July ’13) which summarises my/our plight. Stealing a few of Ms. Turner’s words:
    ‘…women have a ”narcissistic need” to be an object of urgent hunger: what arouses them is the arousal they provoke.’
    “Most surprisingly, women require sexual novelty more than men…”
    “…monogamy-deadened wives who regard their husbands with affectionate disenchantment…’
    Sorry gentlemen, it appears that biology and evolution have conspired to hard-wire women with a need to be yearned-for, seeking and sometimes rewarding ‘the other man’ provided he demonstrates that he harbours deep feelings of affection for her. Not all bad news though, it gives us men a few pointers on playing away: go back to behaving like a teenager whenever you see your neighbour’s wife – seems that some things you really want can be yours simply because you let it be known that you want them.

  11. Anonymous Says:

    To be very frank… to have a great sex life, both husband n wife should be willing to have sex with each other no matter what conditions they are facing before going to bed. A woman should be ready ro sleep wih her husband at the time of going to bed. There are number of occasions when a man approaches his woman but very few occasions when a woman approaches a man.
    Jist like a woman, man also has some expectarions from his woman. Whether she ia fulfilling his expectarions?
    It is a big question.
    Rry to analyse urself. Try to take a lead and ask him to have sex with you. He will be more delighted. Do it for a few days continuously and see change in his behaciour.


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