Insecurity

Here’s a common situation “Steve” outlined in the Comments sidebar to one of my earliest posts:

Man wants sex more than woman. Man seeks to find occasional sexual release in masturbation to pictures of other women. Woman throws giant fit, throws out magazines etc. Man feels woman is trying to completely control all sex by setting herself up as only provider, sees masturbation as harmless. Woman feels jealous, hurt and betrayed; feels threatened by masturbation. Man feels he has lost all control of sex life with woman completely in driver’s seat. Sex between them deteriorates.

Let’s get something out of the way right off the bat: as much as I understand and sympathize with what’s going on in this woman’s head (something similar having gone on in mine once upon a time), she is not behaving well. At all. She has unreasonable expectations and is making unfair demands. She is W.R.O.N.G., and that spells “stoopit.”

There you go. Do you feel better now? I’m glad.

Now the less happy news: knowing that the woman is wrong in this situation might make the guy feel deliciously righteous and nobly long-suffering, but it does absolutely nothing … zero, zip, zilch, nada … to solve his basic problem. Let me repeat that in starker terms (because it can’t be over-emphasized): sitting around seething in virtue and moaning about how unfair women can be has never, ever in the entire history of the universe gotten a man laid.

So the guy’s strategy has to be to think the situation through and decide on something to DO rather than simply feel sorry for himself. The thinking part is crucial, because a (justifiably) angry person who is not thinking is likely to respond to this complex and hurtful situation with impulsive, destructive, counterproductive crankassity hostility. He might even throw a “giant fit.” Or several.

But as satisfying throwing fits might be to any done-wrong guy’s immediate feelings, a steady diet of hostility + reaction to hostility + more hostility is not going to improve his sex life. You may already be seeing the results of this kind of vicious cycle in your own marriage. Like it or not, and as much as it might interfere with your idea of What Should Be, breaking these kinds of emotional spirals requires ONE of you to use adult and disciplined brainpower in the struggle against furious emotion. Guess who it’s gonna have to be? (At least at first.)

Steve has offered a couple of places to start the thinking process. One is to acknowledge that the man’s sense of control over his own sexual enjoyment and expression is a fundamental part of the impasse: “Man feels woman is trying to completely control all sex by setting herself up as the only provider” and “Man feels he has lost all control of sex life with woman completely in driver’s seat.” Another place to start trying to analyze the situation is the man’s knowledge that the woman is acting the way she’s acting because she’s feeling “jealous, hurt and betrayed.” Why she should feel that way about his merely recreational jerking off while looking at pictures of women who are utter strangers to them both is what has him puzzled — and severely annoyed.

Human beings, living as we do in sentient appreciation of the uncertainty of nature and the randomness of our fate, have a very fundamental, irresovable existential problem: we are hag-ridden by insecurity. The thing we hate most of all is admitting that we cannot, in fact, make the universe do our bidding, or worse, that someone else can make us do theirs. As a result we, all of us, male and female, put an extraordinary premium on feeling some sense of control over ourselves, our environment and — most unpredictable and dangerous of all — other people.

The only thing on earth that can diminish this grasping, desperate and constant need for some sense of control (over something, someone, somewhere, somehow) is… you guessed it … L.O.V.E. Love, giving and receiving, soothes the essential ache of insecurity. So now it’s time to put the big, face-smackin’, outrageously obvious point on this post: what Steve’s man and woman are really responding to, in their own peculiar and roundabout ways, is a sense that their partner no longer loves them. Because it is only when we start to give up on love in a relationship that we begin to seek power.

Now when I say people seek power when they become unsure of love (and a guy can become very unsure of love when a woman doesn’t want to have sex with him), I don’t mean that this is a conscious process. Nobody in Steve’s scenario is thinking to themselves, “By golly, I’m gonna get OVER on that bitch/bastard!” If we could all recognize our instinctive motivations that clearly and admit them to ourselves that frankly, life would be much easier for all of us — albeit also a lot less interesting. Where would art be without repression?

So that’s what we’re dealing with here: two people who are hurt and feeling betrayed because they suspect that the person who was Supposed to love them forever doesn’t. Two people whose natural “background” level of existential insecurity has just taken an enormous jump into high-blood-pressure territory. It’s “fight or flight” time, and humans, whose personal pride is an essential bulwark against their knowledge of uncertainty, are notorious for choosing “fight.” So the woman has a fit (demonstrates aggression) and throws out the dirty magazines (disposes of the threat).

But this is the mystery to you: WHY do these magazines threaten her? You could understand it if she was jealous in regard to a real-life woman, who might actually succeed in seducing you away, but what the hell is the problem with a little porn? It’s not like you’re having any kind of genuine relationship with those glossy pictures, is it? You’re not going to leave her and go live happily ever after with a photograph!

In a sense her concern is not irrational. She does realize that you are not going to run off with paper and ink. What she is really afraid of is that you will come to love (or already do love) an Ideal Bimbo more than you could ever love the real person she is. She fears that with those images in your mind you will be comparing her to a standard she will never be able to meet. She is afraid that when you repeatedly take sexual pleasure with that ideal you are conditioning yourself to respond best to abstract perfection and are diminishing your ability to find fully satisfying sexual pleasure with an ordinary woman.

These are, I’m sorry to say, realistic concerns. These things happen. I’ll never forget the story of a woman whose husband had to have a porn magazine open on the pillow next to her head so he could look at it instead of her whenever they had sex. It’s not that fantasizing during sex is wrong. Not at all. It’s common and very useful on both sides of the marriage bed. So the fact that that this guy was having sex with the Betty in his head and using his wife as his rosy palm is no huge thing, it was that he was effectively TELLING HER that’s what he was doing. And it is unfortunately true that for some women, just knowing those magazines are in your underwear drawer can be the equivalent of bringing them into bed with you. (Don’t despair, though. If your wife has this problem, you can help her get over it. But it is part of the “advanced course,” so to speak. First things first.)

Then there are men like some who have responded to this blog in email or in the Comments sidebars, making it clear that they are seeking an impossible ideal: either a perfectly tuned, always eager, romantically “magical” sexual partner, or Pornobabe™, a woman who is not only airbrushed and siliconed physical perfection, but whose sex drive is so huge and so totally uninhibited that she’ll loll around poking her own pink for the delectation of millions of men and then have an orgasm (with theatrical screams) twenty-two seconds after a penis enters her vagina.

“But I’m not like that!” you say. “I love my wife, she turns me on great, I don’t need perfection. Aren’t I practically begging to have sex with her? She has to know she’s just fine with me!”

Well, yeah. That makes perfect sense to any logical observer. But maybe she’s not fine with herself. Maybe SHE’S the one who’s been bent out of shape by those images of perfect erotic womanhood. That could be her deeper problem with the magazine babes. Here’s one of the big “secrets” of female sexuality, at least in long-term relationships: a woman very often has to to think of herself as desirable in order to feel desire.

If you were to read a genre romance novel, you might be a little startled by the effort the author spends describing the heroine’s physical beauty. You’d think that with a largely female audience in mind the writer would concentrate most on the attractive features of the hero, so that the reader could be turned on by his rippling muscles, chiseled chin and all that jazz. Why, you might wonder, would a heterosexual female reader be all that interested in the swelling breasts and mobile hips of a female character?

Women tend to respond best to erotic material that portrays both partners to the sex act as beautiful and sexy human beings who are enjoying the entire process with their whole bodies. This is one reason why there is considerably less interest among women in looking at pictures of naked male strangers than there is among men in looking at naked female strangers. It’s not really that women are all that much less “visually oriented,” as conventional wisdom has it. They just tend to get turned on more by imagining themselves as the gorgeous female body experiencing the mutual process, rather than by looking at a male body and imagining themselves Doing Things to it.

What does all this have to do with your wife’s libido, though? It means that she might need to visualize herself as a sexy woman before she can be one. If she feels ugly, if she dislikes her own body, she could very well dislike the way she “looks” to herself in her sexual imagination, so she will avoid thinking about sex. It’s sometimes pretty difficult in the American cultural environment for ordinary women to feel sexually attractive. It’s easier in Europe, where the sexual ideal is not quite so uniformly young and perfect.

Worse, though, is if she believes that YOU think she’s ugly or inadequate or significantly flawed physically. That’s the erotic kiss of death to any marriage, guaranteed. Under those circumstances she is going to find it very hard to believe that the sex you want to have with her is motivated by your love or genuine attraction to her. She will instead tend to believe that if you’re turned on, it’s not by her, so she is just a handy hot vagina you’re reluctantly having to use instead of the Pornobabe you really want. And if she believes that, she’s not going to want to submit her “ugly” body to your critical gaze, in her imagination or in reality.

Again, it’s not that she can really articulate all this to herself. She probably won’t understand this consciously. She only knows that she’s “not in the mood,” that thinking of sex with you not only doesn’t turn her on, but makes her obscurely angry, irritable, or pissed off for no understandable reason. That’s the “fight” response to something that makes her feel insecure. And sometimes the coldness and annoyance she feels about something that she’s Supposed To enjoy makes her feel guilty, too. So the very thought of sex becomes a terrible cause of anxiety, and the spiral continues.

Your wife probably doesn’t understand that you have a couple of ways of looking at her: the cool, analytical, status-conscious Power Man, who would like her to lose weight or fix her hair or wear sexier clothes (mostly because the way she looks reflects on you), and the sensual Lover Man who doesn’t give a shit about any of that when you’ve got her in bed, because she looks gorgeous without lipstick and you love the way her skin feels. But in Power Man mode you unthinkingly criticize her clothes, bug her about her butt, “joke” about her wrinkles. You don’t really mean to hurt her, you think, but THAT stuff is what she remembers and thinks about. THAT is what she internalizes. And it destroys her ability to think of herself as a sexual being.

She probably doesn’t even know about the Lover Man side of you. So maybe you need to tell her. Yes, out loud. In real live words. It doesn’t have to be all complicated and flowery. The simpler the better, actually. How about something like, “Honey, I know I criticize your looks sometimes, and I shouldn’t do that, because when we’re in bed together I think you’re the most beautiful woman in the world.” You could even add some particular detail of her body that you especially like in that context.

And then there are physical gestures of affection, things that you can do that express your sensual side and your admiration of her body. These can be primo confidence and libido boosters for many women. But all too often men cause themselves a huge amount of sexual trouble with the way they use their hands in an attempt to communicate their desire.

You may think that your physical gestures of affection toward your wife should be enough to reassure her regarding her attractiveness to you, but it is very easy for your…umm…shall we say enthusiasm? in that regard to be misinterpreted or even resented.

One of my readers wrote that she is

 

a young woman who has had my sex-drive crash and burn and is desperately trying to both rebuild it and explain to the beloved boyfriend that grabbing my butt or groping me before even saying “good morning” is not equal to showing affection

In other words, this guy is way, way overdoing it. He may think he’s turning her on or demonstrating how much he admires her physical form with these constant lunges at her erogenous zones, but he’s actually doing the opposite.

Why should that be, though? Maybe she loves to have him massage her breasts or squeeze her bottom when they’re deep in the throes of sex (although for some women a little of that goes a long way), so he assumes that it’s fun for her at other times, too. Why should she mind when he randomly cops a feel during the day? There are a lot of explanations that may or may not apply to any individual woman, but some are common enough that you should consider that one or more of them could be a problem for your wife.

Women are taught — for good reasons — to be protective of their physical space in daily life. Sudden, aggressive invasions of it, especially when directed toward their secondary sex characteristics, are usually perceived, if sometimes only subconsciously, as threats or dangers, and because of the “fight” response, they’re instinctively resented. When a woman’s mind is disconnected from sex, in routine distracted mode, it pretty much doesn’t matter that the “grabber” is a beloved intimate. To her it just doesn’t feel “sexy,” the way it might when she’s in bed with you, because she’s not primed to appreciate the sexual content when she’s at a cold standing start.

There is also the phenomenon of “overload,” which is common among mothers of infants and very small children. When women must accept repeated non-sexual invasions of their physical space and constant skin contact with other humans, as occurs with breastfeeding and carrying children, they can become even more protective of themselves regarding “elective” contact. (I’ll talk about this again when I discuss the Minefield of Motherhood). And if your wife is, say, a nurse or fitness trainer or child care worker, or has some other kind of job in which she must routinely touch or be touched by others, even if only briefly or lightly, that could be part of the problem.

Given that your wife can seldom can appreciate these gestures erotically because they usually come to her “out of the blue,” when she’s preoccupied with a household task or otherwise not prepared to enjoy them the way they’re meant, she might come to see them as unwelcome signals of dominance or “possession.” To be perfectly frank, this can be one of the reasons men enjoy them so much. You may not consciously feel that you are asserting your prerogatives or power in the relationship when you grab her breast, but let’s face it, any other woman would slap you silly. Your wife hasn’t given up her right to guard her body or personal space because you’re married.

What might be called “unprepared” groping is even more likely to be perceived as hostile or aggressive when it is done in an atmosphere of tension over sex. If she’s already feeling pressured or worried about your sexual expectations, the idea that you want her to respond positively to being squeezed at random times that YOU choose can become a source of even more insecurity and resentment. And if she’s already told you that she doesn’t like those aggressive “displays of affection” and you continue them anyway, you are in effect telling her that you have decided her preferences in regard to being sexually touched don’t matter, that you’re going to do what you want to do to her body, when and where you want to do it, and to hell with what she wants. Whether or not that’s what you feel or intend, when she “hears” that message from your behavior, things can get very tense indeed.

My correspondent with the “crashed and burned” sex drive notes that the thing she is struggling with the most is her boyfriend’s inability to understand that she would prefer more gestures of affection that are “subtle” and “sweet” and not overtly, red-light sexual. When a man is first wooing a woman he signals his physical interest and affection with small touches and movements and extended eye contact because he knows he’s not “allowed” to grab and manhandle her at that stage of their relationship, and that “coming on too strong” could turn her off. So even though he can hardly wait to get her down and under, he’ll take the time for little “moments.” He’ll smile and joke with her, he’ll fix the collar of her coat or brush aside a strand of her hair, he’ll gently touch the small of her back when “helping” her though a door. Later he’ll put his arm around her waist, or hug her or take her hand, but he’ll keep the sexual content of those gestures at a quiet, delicious simmer. He won’t grasp a handful of ass at the first opportunity, or stick his tongue down her throat when he kisses her for the first time — if he’s smart, that is!

What many men don’t realize, though, is that those gestures and rhythms of early courtship — that go-slow dance that pays attention to her signals, moves into sexual territory gradually and doesn’t take her physical acquiescence for granted — are part of what primes a woman to want to have sex with him in the first place. They’re “foreplay” in the most basic sense of the word. When a man thinks they have become superfluous, that because of the established relationship he can skip all that and go straight for the boobs because he takes pleasure in “owning” and handling them, he’s more likely to be pissing her off than turning her on.

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24 Responses to “Insecurity”

  1. Bunny Says:

    Hi,

    I stumbled across your blog and this post after finding that my boyfriend had been looking at porn online. The first time, we had had had great/good sex twice the same day, and I came back to his house to use his computer and find a Pornobabe staring seductively back at me. I gasped, turned the computer towards the door (open and with Pornobabe in plain view) and left. When he returned and saw the page still up, and clearly knew that I’d seen it, he pretended like it was nothing. He tried to look at me blankly though I was giving a knowing stare and awaiting him to acknowledge the porn.

    When he finally acknowledged the “pink elephant”, he said it wasn’t a big deal and that porn is simply all over the internet, he was just looking! No big whoop! My response was that though I wanted to be “cool” about it, I found it threatening and that – just as your entry above indicates – I was inevitably being compared unfavorably to Pornobabe and that he ultimately lusted after these females he was ogling and that I was just a warm vagina for him to “settle” for. I am not a Pornobabe, and that’s what he’s seeking out and beating off to!

    So, he’s started to clear his history after he masturbates to porn on the internet. My knowledge of this has left me feeling uber insecure by exacerbating my perfectionist tendencies (trying to fit the Pornobabe ideal by successfully losing weight and being toned and tan) neuroticism (checking his cache and looking into his history) and worse, seeing my libido crash and burn. Our relationship has been a little tense lately.

    So, when he went on vacation recently, I cleared the cookies on his computer. Two days later after he returned and at the first and only time when he’d had the opportunity to be alone with the computer, SURPRISE – he went to at least one of his favorite sites for some good old fashioned porn. The next day I was on the computer and viewed the cookie (he’d cleared the history) and asked him if he watched porn. He said “I don’t, I’d rather… *stutter*… use my mind”. I was immediately sick to my stomach. I felt inadequate and betrayed. He had just lied to my face.

    Later that evening after I had digested the incident and felt stable enough to broach the subject, I told him I knew he’d lied to me. In addition to the “threat” of Pornobabes, the lying about an obvious fact had left me feeling incredibly hurt and insecure. He obviously felt embarrassed and bad for hurting my feelings and tried to assure me that it has nothing to do with me.

    However, my reaction was severe – I unleashed upon the internets – searching high and low for public comment and viewpoints from both men and women on the subject of porn, scientific studies on why men are so fascinated by this voyeurism, what compels men to seek out pictures of naked women having sex, WHY does a man in a relationship where the sex is good to great and getting it on a regular basis from an attractive woman NEED THIS?
    How can this be when I’ve been approached by strangers in the last 2 weeks who commented on how beautiful I am and should be a model? Why am I not enough?

    You blog was the one that resonated the best with me because I knew I was being a beast. I understand on a base level why men seek to sow and why women are driven to be selective. I understand that I cannot now, nor will I ever be the only thing that revs his engine, nor should I be. And still I feel like an old dirty shirt.

    This has been plaguing me for the last month, and I have lost weight and a genuine interest in sex. I have felt angry and resentful and understand that there are issues for both of us to work through.

    So, I ask as an admittedly (and perhaps obviously) naive woman in her 20’s – how do I recover from this perceived “blow” to my sexual and personal ego? How can I feel sexy again? How can I regain trust in him after these feelings of betrayal? It has become a scenario of POWER vs. LOVE at this point, and it feels terrible. Please help, as any and all comments are encouraged.

    Thanks in advance,

    ~B

  2. bnrendan Says:

    woman wants more sex from man

  3. bnrendan Says:

    From article: “… what she is struggling with the most is her boyfriend’s inability to understand that she would prefer more gestures of affection that are “subtle” and “sweet” and not overtly, red-light sexual. When a man is first wooing a woman he signals his physical interest and affection with small touches and movements and extended eye contact … So even though he can hardly wait to get her down and under, he’ll take the time for little “moments.” He’ll smile and joke with her, he’ll fix the collar of her coat or brush aside a strand of her hair, he’ll gently touch the small of her back when “helping” her though a door. Later he’ll put his arm around her waist, or hug her or take her hand, but he’ll keep the sexual content of those gestures at a quiet, delicious simmer. He won’t grasp a handful of ass at the first opportunity, or stick his tongue down her throat when he kisses her for the first time — if he’s smart, that is!

    What many men don’t realize, though, is that those gestures and rhythms of early courtship — that go-slow dance that pays attention to her signals, moves into sexual territory gradually and doesn’t take her physical acquiescence for granted — are part of what primes a woman to want to have sex with him in the first place. They’re “foreplay” in the most basic sense of the word. When a man thinks they have become superfluous, that because of the established relationship he can skip all that …”

    If a woman receives eye contact, a smile, a touch, a kind word at the beginning and at the end of the day – something which can be accomplished in less than 10 minutes- it gives her the assurance that her husband does indeed love her, notice her, and see her as a live human being. Without that she assumes that she is nothing to him, and she may want extra sex from him to assure herself that he does indeed love her.

    If, however, he mostly jokes about her flaws, grunts at her cooking, condenscends her often, and witholds positive interaction, all the while sending her off to work so he can spend time watching porn – then she might have good reasons to feel insecure about his feelings for her. And she might want more sex to reassure herself that there is still a relationship there.

  4. Doug Says:

    WOW… thanks!!! I really forgot about the courtship aspect at the beginning and how much that built the love between us!!!! That’s it, for the rest of my life I will treat my wife like I am trying to win her affection, and not like I already have it!!!!

    I’m a real idiot!!!!!

  5. Nate Says:

    B –

    I’ve been reading this blog, simply put because, I think that as a man, the more information I get from the woman’s perspective, the better. Here’s some information for you from a man’s perspective.

    Porn. Pornography allows a man to engage in theoretical acts that he might not be fully comfortable doing in person. It allows him to fantasize. And that word, is a very important word. Fantasy. Fantasy is not reality. Most men realize this. My wife and I have amazing sex. AMAZING sex. It’s part of the reason why I’m here reading more. I listen to her needs, fulfill them, and when she’s unwilling to, or unable to fulfill those needs, I am able to take care of myself. I find that the porn that I enjoy is actually of women that looks similar to my wife. For me, it is nothing more than an accelerant to an act that will occur(masturbation) to speed up the process. It is not a “I’d rather be with this fake woman than a real woman” but a “I picture my wife and I doing this”

    Many of these acts I would never ask my wife to do in real life. While they are fun to see in movies, they aren’t realistic ideas for me, and the dangers outweigh any positives. Would I really ask my wife to say, have sex in public? No. Would I expect her to suddenly be extremely vocal 100% of the time? No. It’s a fantasy. It’s not reality.

    But this is my wife and my relationship. This is not you and your boyfriends.

    First off, if you truly want your boyfriend to be completely honest with you, you cannot approach it aggressively and confrontational. It doesn’t work that way for most guys. Instead we’ll try our best to avoid the situation, not ruffle any feathers. We don’t want you to be upset. We honestly don’t truly know how to handle it. It’s simply not how we’re programmed. When you come at it from a “I can’t believe you watch this stuff” it immediately says to a man, “I’m better than you, you’re a pervert for even looking” which is not going to be taken with a good attitude.

    Instead try asking him, “Why does porn turn you on so much?” What you might find is that maybe he really is turned on by something he’s never wanted to ask you to do. Or maybe he’s worried that he already gets so much sex that asking for more would be overkill. Or also, perhaps he’s addicted to pornography. The answer to this question is only going to come when you ask him in a way to truly understand what is going on in his mind.

    Secondly, you’ve got to ask yourself, “Why do I need to be the only turn-on my man can have?” The truth of the matter is, as a man, I’m turned on by a lot of things. I hear a sexy voice. It turns me on. I see a skirt sway in the wind. I’m turned on. We’re not women, it doesn’t take us a long time to get turned on. It happens in an instant. Where you say you feel inadequate, I see unrealistic expectations in your man’s desires, as well as a control issue of being in complete control of your man’s ability to be turned on. Frankly, it’s just not possible. But here’s the undeniable truth.

    He’s with you.

    He’s not with that girl on the computer. He’s not with your perception of yourself. He’s with the girl that he sees in the morning. The one with her hair all messed up, no makeup. You.

    And the ideal situation that you would like is not a realistic expectation. But the beauty is that you want to make him so turned on that he doesn’t look at porn, which I really find endearing.

    But be prepared. What he says might shock you. It might hurt. You might never get why he’d like you to dress up in latex, or perhaps he might want you to be more vocal. These things are not pleasant things to hear. When my wife told me that my hands were rough and coarse from my work outside(which I’ve always prided myself in my massages, never had complaints ever) it hurt. I still have to make sure when I give her a massage that I use lots of lotion. But that’s part of communication. Sometimes what your partner says isn’t fun to hear.

    Finally. I 100% guarentee you, that if your man, or any man that is in a decently stable relationship has a choice between a real life woman, and masturbating to a woman on a computer, he will NEVER take the computer. Ever. You are hands-down, bar-none, above and beyond anything he can have from watching a computer screen.

    Until you find out the WHY you will never know the HOW. And the only true way to find that out is to ask him, directly, non-combatively, genuinely ask “Why do you watch it?” And if he really doesn’t want to admit it, as you’ve said above, ask it this way. “So when you used to watch porn, why did you?” The point being that you both know that he watches it, but if he is unwilling to come to terms that you know, you still can have an open conversation about his motives.

    You are great. Remember that.

    • Nicole Says:

      I do not think porn is an excuse for masturbation just becaues your wife does not want to have sex. Get over yourself and stop justifying porn as ok just because it looks like your wife. That makes me sick! Its wrong and you know it! It is not ok. You should be okay going without sex for one night. Seriously porn is society made not God made. Its not right in God’s eyes. The only woman you should be focusing on is your wife becaue this is the woman God has blessed you with. You should not fulfill this sick human wrong desire to look at other woman. Would you be okay if you wife looked at porn of other men and got off to them? Its not right no matter the justification you try to put on it. I really hope you can understand that one day. Sex is not merely just the physical it was meant for so much more than that and it was meant to only be enjoyed with your wife…she may seem okay with it but trust me deep down it has taken a blow to her as well. And she expresses that in other ways. Trust me I am a woman. And I am not an insecure woman…do more research on the subject and you will know what I mean.

      • Steve Says:

        You’re joking right?
        Masturbating is natural, normal and healthy, its a biological way to release older sperm and fill in healthy sperm.
        Watching pornography is legal.
        I dont want to hear your religious and moral propaganda.

        Relationship + No Sex = Friendship

        I recommend this book:
        “Sperm Wars: Infidelity, Sexual Conflict, and Other Bedroom Battles” by Robin Baker

      • Anonymous Says:

        As a woman who watches and enjoys porn on occasion for (legasp) mastubatory reasons, allow me to say: you sound nuts. You’re entitled to your opinion and religion, but religion is a bit like a penis. It’s great to have one, it’s great to be proud of it. But you really shouldn’t wave it around and try to shove down a strangers throat. Masturbation is an excellent way to stay faithful to a person you love (it got me through 15 months when my husband was in Iraq, and another 12 through his tour in Afghanistan, never mind training exercises). I’ve never been unfaithful in part because of that. Sometimes, that itch gets painful and a lot of army wives feel it and go tumble with whatever random guy lends them a sympathetic ear and treats them half decent while hubby is away.

  6. Nicole Says:

    Hello,
    yes I understand what you are saying…in a very fleshy human body yes that is completely natural. But is it good for him? Really ask yourself this… you may have found a way to be okay with this kind of thing and your wife too but is it really good for you guys? If yes…then by all means go on about your life and dont change a thing…but please understand the type of mindset it gives you and your wife… don’t you think that this makes sex a more physical and exploited thing than it really is? Sex was never meant to be as exploited as it is. I mean the porn industry has only been around for what….60 years or so…and its only become more and more exploited and its only continued to ruin relationships. I mean even you have admitted that you have fantasies that you would never ask your wife to do in a million of years….why do you have these fantasies…why has sex turned into this for you….dont you think that your mindset is more vered toward lust than connection? I believe everyone suffers with this because of the society we have been raised in and well really the world…but sex was meant to be so much more than just the physical. It was meant to bring a woman and a man together in such a beautiful union making them no longer two but one. It is emotional and much much more…i have read books too just like you. If your really interested in this…then read ….. Reading your Male by Mary Farrar.
    It is an amazing book and brings forth so much insight in this subject and even more! And if you really really are interested to know more…then read Songs of Solomon in the old testament of the bible…whoo! Talk about awesomeness! And then alongside this bible reading get a video on songs of solomon explaining it in depth for you. Mind blowing! Sex is so much more than you and I know! I promise you this! And if you really want to get a deeper connection with your wife…it seems you really do love her…then both of yall need to read songs of solomon and watch a video documentary about it….it will change your sex life from great to amazingly what it was meant for! For me loving the Lord is not a religion it is a heart thing and I am so passionate about him because of all the amazing things and truths the Lord has brought into both of our lives…my husband and I. And we had a baby 6 months of knowing eachother and then got married and talk about a rough first two years of marriage. haha. But God is grace and love and he only wants to give us the best life possible in him!! This includes marriage….talk about a God passionate about marriage and realtionship!!
    I wish the best for you and your wife! And I pray you continue to grow in your relationship and love!
    God bless!

  7. ck Says:

    This post seems to equivocate at between pornography and masturbation in general.

    Certainly both can lead to insecurity on the part of one’s partner, but it seems like there’s a difference between saying, “I’m not comfortable with you looking at porn” and “I’m not comfortable with you masturbating.”

    I can understand the former to an extent; but in the latter case it seems particularly unfair and uncaring – particularly in the context of the audience of this blog: men without a sexual outlet other than their own selves. For men who want to enjoy sex with wives who are uninterested, it sounds like “I’m sorry you’re thirsty, and I’m sorry that I haven’t got any water for you, but don’t you dare go pour your own glass.”

  8. SaneHubby Says:

    The commenter Nicole above appears to be on drugs. Ignore her ranting. Not worth replying to her nonsense.

    What is worth replying to is Julia Grey’s observations. I agree it is good to emphasize courtship rituals and seduction, even (or especially) after marriage, kids, mortgage, etc.

    The issue I have with Ms. Grey’s advice is this: Most women in their established relationships aren’t going to respond to light caresses, helping adjust her coat, straightening her hair, in the same way that they responded when the relationship was starting.

    If you take, say, a woman in her early 40s, married for 10-20 years, and try those things with her, chances are your efforts will either be (a) taken but not reciprocated, (b) ignored or quickly forgotten, or (c) met with downright hostility (“What are you doing?!”)

    If you point this out, the woman will almost certainly argue: “You’re only helping me with my coat because you want something from me.” Duh! Of course he does. He wants you to reciprocate with signs of your own affection, love, and yes, sexual interest in him.

    The point of all this: If a woman wants to show appreciation and love to her husband, she can and will find a way. If she doesn’t care, or doesn’t want to, then no matter how many courtship rituals or nice, loving gestures you make, you will end up feeling hurt, used, and angry.

    Bottom line: Relationships ought to be, have to be, must be mutual in order for them to survive and sustain.

    • Nurseclaire Says:

      Oye…there are so many misconceptions in this post that I’m just not sure where to start. Firstly, it’s not that these wives don’t want sex…they just don’t want it with you (the man who has damaged her esteem repeatedly over the years with thoughtless comments about her appearance, ability to care for your household as you see fit, complained about her cooking one too many times, yelled at her or her loved ones in a rage, failed to open the door for her while she juggled babies, bags and what nots, didn’t call when you were going to be late, forgot her birthday…or worse, your anniversary). As much as I hate to beat a dead horse, you can take my list and multiply it by 100 and probably still not hit every irritating thing you’ve done that has slowly, but surely pushed her away over several YEARS. Women are like elephants, we don’t forget the little things…and more importantly, how you made us feel when you did (or didn’t) do them.

      You’re absolutely right, a woman knows if you have an ulterior motive for doing those “little” things. We don’t expect standing ovations for doing the dishes, cleaning the toilet or taking the trash to the curb on trash day (and we don’t feel you deserve one for doing these things once in 30 days either). But here’s the key guys (are you listening?)–we notice ALL of it, even if we don’t say so, and you do get points on your “scorecard” for doing them. Just as you get tallies for the thoughtful gestures (opening her door, helping with her coat, etc…), ESPECIALLY if you still do these things when she’s angry with you. Here’s why: If you stop the caring gestures suddenly and go into “pout” mode when you don’t “get your way” in a week (keeping in mind that there are months, possibly years of pent up resentment and frustration in her mind), she then sees you as the giant toddler you are being. This is NOT a turn on for us guys! Especially if we’re already repeatedly telling the actual 3 yr old of the household that “pouting isn’t going to get them what they want, and neither will their temper tantrums”. She doesn’t want (or need) another child to deal with, so stop acting like one!

      Contrary to popular belief, your wife doesn’t want to “mother” you. She doesn’t enjoy reminding you to pick up after yourselves, do your household duties or put the toilet seat down (just do it…she’ll notice, especially when she’s not pulling herself out of the toilet bowl in the middle of the night). Replace the roll of toilet paper while you’re in there (if you used the last of it…and if there are less than 10 squares left…that’s the LAST of it in her mind). For those of you who are arguing that there ARE women out there who enjoy “mothering” their partners I say this: 99% of us DO NOT, and chances are…if you’re on this site…you’re not married to one who does. Even if she nags, complians constantly about the “little” irritating things you do…she’d rather not have to. Really, I mean this. So if she’s caught up in the “little” details, know that there is a much bigger problem at hand. She (rational or not) views your lack of consideration for her feelings on those “little things” as a much bleaker message: He doesn’t appreciate all I do to keep his house clean (evidenced by the stinky boots and dirty socks you left lay where you took them off, the clothes on the bedroom/bathroom floor, the hair in the sink after you shave, the urine stains on the back of the toilet, etc…), which ultimately translates to “He doesn’t care about me”. Don’t believe me? Go ask your wife.

      In closing, it’s worth at least honorable mention that if you’re not doing your part to satisfy her in the bedroom, she’s going to view having sex with you as a monumental waste of her time. Women are people-pleasers by nature, and it baffles us that our men don’t put in the effort to do the same. If her thought process is one that involves “Why should I have sex with him, if I’m going to have to finish the job myself anyway…why not cut out the middle man”? This is especially going to be true if the aforementioned issue is occurring in your house. A lot of women these days are bringing home the bacon, frying it up in the pan, scrubbing said pan and so much more. If they are having to meet their own sexual needs in addition to all I’ve mentioned, they are silently (or possibly VERY vocally) asking “What in the h*ll do I need him for?”. Women (as a general rule) don’t get married to STOP having sex. They chose you because at some point in your history you did the “little” things that told her (albeit silently) that you didn’t take her for granted, that you appreciated her and even loved her. If you’ve stopped conveying that message to your wife, then only YOU can change that. If you find it unfair, unrealistic or generally unpleasant to “buckle under” and step up…expect more of the same. Our sexuality is fully linked to our emotional state, and if your the one upsetting that delicate balance…we’ll want NO part of you. It’s a fact, not a theory.

      Now pull yourselves up by the bootstraps, swallow some humble pie, apologize (repeatedly if necessary) for taking her for granted and then do those “little things” with ZERO expectation of payoff. I say this because if she senses the ONLY reason you’re doing this is to “get some”, she will whole-heartedly reject your efforts, and subsequently YOU. If your one of those guys whining “I tried that already”, then this definitely applies to YOU. Simply put: You tried that already ONLY because you wanted something in return. If you do those things without expectations, she will know (because you’re no longer pouting over payoff), and eventually she WILL want to be with you again…because she loves and has missed the man you used to be, the one she fell in love with and the one she’s stayed with in hopes that she’d see again. Best of luck to you all!

      • snakebit Says:

        Nurse Clair, you are so wrong. Who gave you the position of God. Woman these days have it made & are taking it too far when they reject & control their husbands sexual advances. He will leave you eventually for someone who pleases him. You’re a jerk.

      • Anonymous Says:

        Nurseclaire is sooooo right. 99% of what she wrote is what I’ve experienced over the past 10 years of our marriage and a lot of it is my fault because I’ve kept it bottled up and blown my top instead of saying what I felt at the time.

  9. sdbri Says:

    If Nicole believes masturbation is inexcusable, she needs to put the crack pipe down because studies show 99% of men masturbate. Porn is a separate issue from masturbation, and my comment applies only to masturbation. It sounds from her tone she isn’t talking rationally about the subject to begin with – maybe something too close to home.

    B – your boyfriend should have been honest with you, and you should have been honest with him. He probably lied to you about porn because he knew it would hurt you based on the previous incident. But he should have been honest. It’s worth noting that before he lied to you, you also went behind his back and invaded his privacy. That’s at least as bad, if not more dishonest. It’s not like you were trying to find evidence of cheating – you were trying to find evidence that he was – gasp – looking at porn!

    If you and he have not had a discussion on this issue, then neither he has a right to expect that you are okay with it nor that you have a right to expect that he doesn’t do it. Both of you are at fault for not settling the issue if you expect a specific behavior from the other.

    It’s tantamount to divorcing someone because after getting married you find out she won’t do anal sex. If it’s that important to you, the onus is on the person expecting it to have a discussion about it.

  10. roy Says:

    ok u r good

  11. john Says:

    bunny, if you are still around, i have a suggestion for ya… ask him to help you make a couple porn videos. i would bet that watching you do whatever (masturbate, strip, etc) would be much more stimulating for him than the online porn. i’m guessing, though, that he’ll need variety so you might make a couple new videos every couple weeks or every month. try different situations, scenarios, etc. for me, at least, the need for variety isn’t for a variety of women, it is a variety of situations, timing, positions, etc. i’d much rather watch porn with my wife in it (alone or with me…) than see anyone else. it is just that we really haven’t made any movies in a very long time and it seems dangerous now that we have kids to have that kind of stuff on our computers… so, instead, i used to look at porn.

    i said “used to” because i recently stopped watching porn while masturbating. i found that it was effecting my performance in bed with my wife in a very bad way (maybe because i’m getting older or something). it sort of gave my body unrealistic expectations of stimulation meaning it took too much to get me aroused without the porn and when i finally was aroused it seemed i was super quick.

    instead, now, i read very short erotic literature… well, i say “literature” as i have found some very very good authors, but it is still porn, really… just written. i’ve found this takes alot longer, but really works well with my imagination and really engages my brain in the activity in a way that videos were not doing. it also means the crazy amount of stimulation is no longer there and i seem to have a ton more control (as i am a really slow reader).

    another added side benefit of written porn is that it has allowed me to start writing some of my own as i understand the genre more. that, mixed with insights from this blog, has allowed me to write little sex stories with my wife in them and email them to her during work hours (though, she doesn’t read them during work, unfortunately). stuff from the written porn helps me make realistic sounding descriptions of the physical and insights from this blog help me build the story in a romantic loving way…

    anyway… hope that helps you or someone else….

  12. sexlessnomore Says:

    Oh Nurseclaire…

    Please allow me to retort, if you will.
    “… Firstly, it’s not that these wives don’t want sex…they just don’t want it with you (the man who has damaged her esteem repeatedly over the years with thoughtless comments about her appearance, ability to care for your household as you see fit, complained about her cooking one too many times, yelled at her or her loved ones in a rage, failed to open the door for her while she juggled babies, bags and what nots, didn’t call when you were going to be late, forgot her birthday…or worse, your anniversary). ”

    The opening ‘I love sex, I really, really do’ gambit is a popular one, although a little misleading when presented in this context. It’s intended to deflect the issue away from one of libido and onto one of mutual respect, as in the man in this instance (I’m going to assume it is your husband and/or ex) is not respecting his long-suffering wife (which I’m going to assume is you)
    – thoughtless comments about her appearance. (Fair enough. I get it. So communicate it in clear terms… i.e. ‘I don’t appreciate you calling me fat and if you respect me as a person, you will not do it again.’)
    – ability to care for your household as you see fit. (I’m not sure what that entirely means, but I’m going to assume, based on my own marital experience this means I didn’t do domestic chores the way SHE wanted them done. Too bad. If you don’t like the way I do the laundry, and yes I’ve been doing my own laundry since I was 14, then you are more than welcome to do it yourself. End of story. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’ve been looking after myself entirely since I was 17 and doing a lot of domestic chores a lot younger than that. I’ve done well for myself and I don’t need a woman ‘directing’. So let’s communicate about it and draw up clear, fair lines about what needs to be done and who’s going to do them. THEN you have a right to complain when it’s not done.)
    – complained about her cooking too many times. (The answer is simple then. Hand him the pots and pans . And then, you know, communicate about how you feel your efforts are unappreciated)
    – yelled at her and her loved ones in a rage (Yes, I yelled at her in a rage. But that sometimes was the only, and I mean the ONLY way I could get her to pay at least some attention to what I was saying, instead of her staring three inches above my head vacantly when we’d have a normal conversation – complete with cutting me off mid-sentence. For the record I regret doing it… not because I’m sensitive to her emotions – she is a lying, manipulating bitch – but directionless anger is such a waste of energy.)
    – failed to open the door for her while she juggled babies, bags and what nots (Maybe, just maybe, Nurseclaire, that I just didn’t notice. You see, the dynamic of a marriage does not and should not focus entirely on what YOU are doing at any particular moment. Maybe I’ve got my own hands full. Maybe I’ve got my own stresses on my mind and didn’t notice. Perhaps I was just *gasp* CARELESS.)
    “Hey, can you give me a hand here?” See how communicating your needs works? If he ignores you, or begs you off, then maybe you have a right to be angry. You stated your needs, and you were rejected. God, I don’t know what THAT feels like.
    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    >>>>”You’re absolutely right, a woman knows if you have an ulterior motive for doing those “little” things.”
    Yes, a dynamic that YOU set up. What exactly am I supposed to do? If you tell me I need to do x and y, and I do them, I’m, from my point of view, fixing a problem that YOU told me you have that’s been a barrier to our sex life. And now you’re telling me it doesn’t count because it isn’t ‘sincere’? At what point do I keep doing them? Days? Months? Years? How sincere does it have to be for your standards? People don’t generally do things selflessly Nurseclaire. Sorry, fact of life. Someone’s gotta burst your bubble. I can do x and y, and feel both satisfied I’m making my partner happy AND anticipating the sex that removing that intimate roadblock provides. You apparently think it’s wrong. Whatever.
    The trouble with the ‘little things’ Nurseclaire, is that ‘little things’ aren’t the real problem. If x and y gets taken care of, you’ll have a, b, c, d and e ready to go. At first, you think it is, but it really isn’t and the ‘little things’ pile up and pile up and they are another avenue of stress for me when they aren’t done the way you want them done, and another avenue of judgment you can further use to withhold sex.
    And yes, can we all be adults here and concede that wives sometimes withhold sex they’d otherwise be willing to have to exert power within the relationship? See, we know your ulterior motives too.

    >>>>>>But here’s the key guys (are you listening?)–we notice ALL of it, even if we don’t say so, and you do get points on your “scorecard” for doing them. Just as you get tallies for the thoughtful gestures (opening her door, helping with her coat, etc…), ESPECIALLY if you still do these things when she’s angry with you. Here’s why: If you stop the caring gestures suddenly and go into “pout” mode when you don’t “get your way” in a week (keeping in mind that there are months, possibly years of pent up resentment and frustration in her mind), she then sees you as the giant toddler you are being. This is NOT a turn on for us guys! Especially if we’re already repeatedly telling the actual 3 yr old of the household that “pouting isn’t going to get them what they want, and neither will their temper tantrums”. She doesn’t want (or need) another child to deal with, so stop acting like one!
    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
    Oh boy, Nurseclaire… I was really rooting for you. I really was. I wanted to be so obtuse that I just didn’t see how my wife went from nubile nymphette to cold, wet fish (as soon as we started living together, incidentally… not months, not years, more realistically like a few days).
    So… your sex and sexuality is so sacred and special that it takes this complicated revolving set of considerations and demands from me in order to foster your fragile libido.
    The same libido that apparently is based on SCORECARDS and TALLIES.
    If my ex-wife could’ve issued me a Starbucks-like punchcard, I think I could’ve been set.
    You cannot have this both ways. You’ve openly just admitted that your libido is a commodity that can be earned.
    Except the final arbiter is you. Which makes it kind of pointless. If he performs those acts of service and you still aren’t turned on, then do you honour your “tallies”?
    Be serious.
    And that’s fine. Ultimately you ARE the arbiter of your own libido. But don’t pretend that acts of service that have an ‘ulterior motive’ are a turnoff, while you are fostering the exact environment you are saying is a turnoff.
    This is deliberate. This is MANIPULATION. I’m not really judging, because I don’t know your situation. Maybe you feel as if you have to do this.
    Your husband cannot win here (and yes, this is a game), and don’t delude yourself and others into thinking this isn’t a game and that he can win.
    And for the record… yes, throwing tantrums like a three year old may be a turnoff, but sometimes it was the only way I could be really listened to. That’s a communication failure from both of us. If you want your husband to not act like a child, you need to at least take him seriously when he approaches you like an adult.
    Just sayin’
    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Contrary to popular belief, your wife doesn’t want to “mother” you. She doesn’t enjoy reminding you to pick up after yourselves, do your household duties or put the toilet seat down (just do it…she’ll notice, especially when she’s not pulling herself out of the toilet bowl in the middle of the night). Replace the roll of toilet paper while you’re in there (if you used the last of it…and if there are less than 10 squares left…that’s the LAST of it in her mind).
    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
    Because women NEVER take the things you do for granted… right? Right? Am I right?
    Listen, if we’re going to talk about women being ‘mothers’ in a marriage (which is real), let us please talk about men being ‘fathers’ as in the sole role of the husband is to cater to whatever of his wife’s whims she thinks is important. And being a walking ATM. And Mr. Fixit. And engaging anything deemed ‘too hard, gross or disgusting’ to do (which is also real).
    In fact, I think many women enter into marriage, not necessarily thinking their future husband turns their crank the highest, but choose the guy who most reminds her of dad. And really, after mommyhood, who realistically wants to fuck the guy who reminds you of dad?
    >>>>>>>For those of you who are arguing that there ARE women out there who enjoy “mothering” their partners I say this: 99% of us DO NOT, and chances are…if you’re on this site…you’re not married to one who does. Even if she nags, complians constantly about the “little” irritating things you do…she’d rather not have to. Really, I mean this. So if she’s caught up in the “little” details, know that there is a much bigger problem at hand. She (rational or not) views your lack of consideration for her feelings on those “little things” as a much bleaker message: He doesn’t appreciate all I do to keep his house clean (evidenced by the stinky boots and dirty socks you left lay where you took them off, the clothes on the bedroom/bathroom floor, the hair in the sink after you shave, the urine stains on the back of the toilet, etc…), which ultimately translates to “He doesn’t care about me”. Don’t believe me? Go ask your wife.
    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
    Mmm hmm… the old do more of x and you’ll get more of y again. I think this has been very thoroughly debunked. If there are ‘bigger issues’ at hand, I don’t know… communicate them? That is, after all, what we are told since birth that women are so much better at then men. So if ‘hair in the sink after you shave’ can translate into ‘he doesn’t care about me’, doesn’t ‘she doesn’t want sex’ translate into the same thing? Am I missing something? Why is that such a baffling concept for women to understand?

    >>>>>>>>>>>Women (as a general rule) don’t get married to STOP having sex. They chose you because at some point in your history you did the “little” things that told her (albeit silently) that you didn’t take her for granted, that you appreciated her and even loved her.
    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
    Because women never marry a man for his money or his ability to provide? Rubbish.
    >>>>>>>>>>If you’ve stopped conveying that message to your wife, then only YOU can change that. If you find it unfair, unrealistic or generally unpleasant to “buckle under” and step up…expect more of the same. Our sexuality is fully linked to our emotional state, and if your the one upsetting that delicate balance…we’ll want NO part of you. It’s a fact, not a theory.
    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
    IF I’m the one upsetting that balance. That’s a telling phrase. Is it ALWAYS the husband that’s upsetting this ‘delicate balance’ (that’s based on scorecards, and also conveniently gets forgotten when there’s a new man on the scene)? Who knows, and it wouldn’t make any difference if none of this was COMMUNICATED to me.
    And “we’ll want NO part of you?” Hardly. You’ll still want my paycheque. You’ll still want the innumerable things I do do around the house (that seldom seem to get noticed, BTW), You’ll still want this abstract concept of ‘husband’ that exists solely as a piece of decoration in your life. And you’ll call of that my ‘duty’… and yet you’ll bristle at calling sex the same thing. Just saying.
    See, this is the ultimate problem here. Complain all you want about husbands complaining about sex and how they’re complaining and why they’re complaining etc. At least they’re SAYING SOMETHING. At least they’re attempting to articulate their needs. My wife (and a whole host of others, judging by the blogosphere) just sit and smile and seethe and NEVER TOLD ME HOW SHE WAS FEELING IN RETURN.
    If I couldn’t reconnect with her, it was because she didn’t want me to. For whatever reason. Some of it my fault, but that fault was used as one very gigantic bludgeon against me so she didn’ t have to examine herself. She could say that never did enough for her. Does she believe it? She has a gigantic capacity to bullshit herself, but who knows.
    Everything, Nurseclaire, is a two-way street. Your husband isn’t just a thing in your marriage that has a duty to perform, just like you aren’t the same thing. Perhaps that is well worth examining.

    Anonymous has it right. Say something. If you’re unhappy, communicate. Don’t just string someone along and judge them wanting.

  13. Anonymous Says:

    All in all it depends on the relationship, the people in the relationship and their history.
    Some men check out a bit of porn now and again when they need. I see sexy men and women everywhere, however I don’t rub his face in it. I don’t expect to log-on to a computer and find a pornstar. If I was to tell him about fantasies it would be in the boudoir, not while I was dusting. Make sense? It’s all about timing, trust and intimacy.
    Sure we all do have urges, but rubbing them in someones face while they are not exactly in intimate mode is obviously going to go wrong.
    If you want to introduce porn to a relationship then I guess ask your partner while they are in a sexy mood, then if no try and find a sexy work around.
    Sex is a balancing act, truely is. Women tell men straight what you need from sex and relationships, Men go learn what sexy to a woman is. Everyone’s a winner.
    Compromise, compromise, compromise.

    • Anonymous Says:

      Ok making love such as it is , is a special thing to be done between one man and one woman in the sanctity of marriage to keep their bond and marriage strong .
      Looking at other women with lust is betraying your wife if you are a man. Imagining being with them while playing with yourself isn’t right either. And for a female to be majorly turned off by a mans lack of self control, lack of respect for her and inappropriate childish behavior is not stupid but normal.
      Sex is not something needed to live. And our lousy immediate gratification society has made it look that way. No one ever needs to have sex it isn’t like air or water.
      No relationship will ever last or be good or strong while a man is behaving this way and its not because the woman has a problem it’s because the man is wrong and selfish and expects her to put up with childish behavior.

      • Robert Says:

        There is more to a relationship than sex. Yes sex is important for a healthy relationship but if that relationship is in trouble, sex alone can’t be the answer. If my wife or I had something that kept us from having a physical relationship I would hope mentally we could work it out and let our love for each other help us find the answer! !

  14. Rick Says:

    My wife had a hysterectomy 14 years ago. Since that time she wants nothing to do with sex.
    She says she is no longer a sexual woman.
    We went to counseling a number of years ago but that didn’t help.I love my wife dearly and am bless with 3 wonderful children.
    I humored her for a long time. But that did nothing for my needs.
    I have been told by friends both male and female that it would be alright to have an extra-marital relationship.
    If I did that it would make matters worse for my wife who is keenly aware of my dilemma It would also, even if I could keep it from her bother my soul greatly.
    My sexual needs came to a head when I found porn on the internet.
    I don’t condone my actions but until I can get relief elsewhere.it seems to be my only option

    • Bill Says:

      Hey I know what you are going through. My wife has been going through the change of life and has effective her sex drive to some extent. But I love her and our family. As a man yes I have needs but I fell in love with this women as she did me and believe that this is a time in our life that she needs my understanding more than ever. Try whatever it takes to be the MAN she married and help her!! Don’t give up!

  15. William hill Says:

    My wife and I are very close sexually and mentally. But she still feels like she isn’t pretty enough! I believe that if you really love each other there should be nothing that one shouldn’t want to help each other with. Love should be the answer to all problems!


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