Reader “Catbird” responds to yesterday’s One Woman’s Preferences post:
Yes, yes, yes to penetration after a clit orgasm. That was how I first learned what a vaginal orgasm was: that sublime throb of pleasure when he slipped in to the hilt after getting me off orally.Speaking of penetration, don’t underestimate the hands as givers of sexual pleasure. Many guys confine themselves to a little diddle-diddle on the clit, followed by finger-fucking (but only one or two fingers, and not for very long) before moving on to the main event: Penis In Vagina. Or if they want to focus on her pleasure, they go down on her.
Guys, if you really want to make your woman scream with pleasure, take a tip from the dykes, and learn to fuck with your hands.
Before you go anywhere near her clit or vaginal opening, massage her mons, labia, and perineum until she is relaxed, moaning, and juicy. Use your thumbs to open her up and give her long firm slippery strokes on her inner and outer lips. Try squeezing her lips together, and jerking off her clit through her inner labia. (Did you know that the clit has a shaft like a cock?) Press her perineum with your knuckles. Knead the hollows on either side of her sex with your thumbs. Massage her lower belly and inner thighs. Cradle her pelvis in your two hands. Stroke and blow cool air down the slopes of her asscrack.
Think of her sex as a part of her body that needs loving touch, just like her shoulders and her hands. Don’t focus on “making her come”; focus on making her pussy feel happy and beloved
Let her tell you when she wants to be penetrated, and how much. Maybe one finger, maybe three. Once you’re in, use the hand’s unparalleled sensitivity and flexibility to explore every inch of her. Massage her inside just as patiently and attentively as you did her outside. Explore all the secret places, the little nooks and crevices. Tell her with your fingers how amazing she feels inside. Encourage her to breathe and make noise, and to use her vibrator, if she likes that.
And if she wants it, fuck her good! Unlike the penis, the fingers can change shape and size, can flex and bend, can seek out the places that love extra pressure and avoid the ones that don’t. If she likes g-spot stimulation, curl your fingers on each outstroke in a little come-hither movement. Give her lots of lube and as many fingers as she wants. Don’t be too shocked if your whole hand slips in there!
And *don’t worry about orgasm!* Even if she doesn’t have the sensations that she has previously labeled an orgasm, believe me, Good Things will happen.
Oh, and did I mention lube? For maximal pleasure, the above activities must be accompanied by copious dollops of sexual lubricant (a water- or silicone-based product designed specifically to make sex more slippery — avoid glycerine, avoid nonoxynol-9, avoid grease or oils).
Despite what many people think, many (most?) women do not produce enough natural lubrication to make sex entirely easy and enjoyable — no matter how aroused they are.
So take another tip from the queers, and remember, lube is your friend.
Personally I’ve never been a huge fan of intensive finger work. It’s nice for foreplay, but in my own case a little goes a long way. Too many men seem to think women should automatically get off on a lot of interior tickling because it thrills THEM. Catbird’s enthusiasm for it is a perfect illustration of how we women differ in our responses to sexual stimuli. Not only from woman to woman, but from time to time in our own lives.
For many women the G-spot does not actually become “activated” until they are really aroused (or, ideally, have actually had an orgasm), and even then for most of us it’s not the magic “come switch” it’s purported to be. It’s more of a general area of Really, Really Good Feelings inside. So it does exist, but if you’ve been looking for some kind of instaneous Bingo Button without success, you might want to rethink what it is you’re actually seeking.
(For a few additional words of advice and a discussion of whether there is any danger in being this direct and honest on the internet, see the page: Meta Discussion: How Open Should We Be Here?)