The Problem of Porn

The first thing that pops into many men’s minds when they think about how to get their wives interested in having sex is porn, especially film or video porn, because all you have to do is sit there and enjoy the images. If a man could just get his wife to sit down for a few minutes of hot video skin action, surely she’d be turned on and want to hit the sack, right?

I’ve even heard of men who were so sure that getting their wives to see porn is going to be the magic bullet for their sex lives that they’ve tried to sneak porn tapes into the VCR or have gotten angry and sarcastic when their wives declined to watch the stuff. This is probably understandable given that the majority of men respond quickly and reliably to sex acts depicted on film, so it is hard to understand why many women don’t.

Notice that I’m saying “many,” because there are plenty of women who DO get a major charge out of porn of various varieties, but those women are not likely to be the sexually reluctant wives we’re concerned about here. While it is not true that all people who enjoy sex also enjoy porn, you can be pretty sure that a person who enjoys porn is going to like having sex, too. So it seems that there is something interesting going on here. If the connections between enjoyment of porn and enjoyment of sex is causative, maybe it would be a good idea to get sexually bored wives to watch porn, even if it has to by by hook or by crook.

Yes, I’m kidding.

While I’m not going to claim that I am necessarily a “typical” woman, I think I do have some reactions that are fairly common, espeically in my own “Baby Boom” generation. So, remembering that none of this may apply in your situation, let me outline why film porn — hard or soft core — has never done much for me erotically.

My first problem with it is that it isn’t realistic. (Yeah, yeah, I know that’s kind of silly, since for a lot of people its unreality is part of the fun of it.) In hardcore the first unreality is the absurd situations (we can’t dignify them as “plots”). I mean, “Hello Mr. Job Candidate, wanna fuck?” is sketch comedy, not erotic storytelling.

As a matter of fact it’s the emphasis on the detached, almost disembodied mechanics and the closeups of naughty bits interacting (which could just as easily be rubber sex-ed visual aids) that turn me off the most in hardcore.

I do like movie sex that makes me feel like the people involved are really, REALISTICALLY enjoying themselves. But when I watch porn the silly details the camera thinks are important bug me too much. I keep thinking how stupid it all is. I keep laughing at all the idiocy and ugliness.

For example: WHAT is up with that constant rhythmic moaning the women do in porn movies? It’s like their vocal chords are on some kind of digital loop. It actually sounds like they’re bored with that unrelieved jackhammer of everlasting humping going on behind them, but (impatient sigh) they still have to follow the script. Which reads either “Make 62 perfectly symmetrical, robotic noises before faking steam-whistle orgasm” or “Yell ‘harder!harder’ twelve times before switching to ‘deeper!deeper!’ twelve times and then finish up with ‘yes baby oh baby oh oh’ — but be careful to say these lines with NO EXPRESSION WHATSOEVER.”

And here’s the absolutely hysterical, stone dead mystery of hardcore: WHY does the guy take his dick out right when any normal man would want to push it way, way in, up to the hilt? Not to mention that money shots are disgusting. To me, anyway. Messy, mechanical, the very opposite of erotic. (And while I’m ranting, can I just say here that I hate the word “cum”? It conjures up pimple-faced, snaggle-toothed fourteen-year-olds furtively whacking off in the teacher’s lounge after school hours. The word is ‘come,” people. The event and the stuff. “Cum” is the way Beavis spells it.)

You might think that it’s odd that I don’t appreciate money shots when I say the major aggravation of these movies for me is their fakeness. After all, when a penis is pumping it out on camera, that’s undeniably the real thing, and nobody could deny that the guy is genuinely enjoying himself, right? Well, yeah, but it’s the almost inhuman, unconnected “thingness” of the thing burping up fluids that’s off-putting there. It’s just…icky, okay? The disgust factor hits me big time, and it overwhelms my potential appreciation of the sexual content.

The fakery I’m talking about is really anything up on the screen, ugly OR pretty, that keeps me from entering or identifying with the scene. In that respect, sex scenes in mainstream movies and softcore make the opposite mistake: they beautify and idealize things too much.

Most of the sex in mainstream movies strikes me as trying too hard to fulfill commonplace fantasy formulas, so we get the shower scenes and the bangbang “up against the wall” scenes and the golden afternoons of overlapped dissolves. Yawwwn. And again the distraction factor kicks in, and I’m annoyed by the things they get “wrong” from my point of view, like the fact that movie women always come in fifteen seconds from a standing start, with their mouths all pretty and softly open in a big round “O,” and their legs lying all relaxed and boneless. Few of them ever even come close to a straining sexual grimace or the tense, shaking muscles of my experience — mostly, I suspect, because actresses don’t want to look “ugly” on camera.

Then there are the scenes in which, say, the male partner studiously avoids kissing the woman’s breasts (I’m sitting there thinking, “Her nudity contract probably prohibits mouths coming within 6 inches of her tits”), or when they get into all sorts of artistic but improbable poses (Sylvester Stallone doing his Mr. Olympia routine in the shower with Sharon Stone springs hilariously to mind), or when the nipples of the woman’s huge artificial chest torpedos remain totally unaroused … well, you get the picture.

All in all, movie sex offers me far too many opportunities to notice incongruous physical details, improbable positions and absurd scenarios, so I’m always off into MST3K mode inside my head, snarking and giggling and generally Not Getting Into It.

Read more about cinematic inspiration in “Heroes of the Silver Screen

And yet there have been films and television series that have turned me on and inspired my erotic imagination.

21 Responses to “The Problem of Porn”

  1. chioma Says:

    Thank God!!!! finally someone thinks like me…

  2. Roy Says:

    Some chicks have no imagination…they are doomed to “feeling unloved”…nuff said.

  3. SaneHubby Says:

    Look, porn is a fantasy, and for the most part, it is a male fantasy. That’s why the penis that’s ejaculating is almost just that … a penis ejaculating, visually disembodied and removed from the man who’s experiencing that pleasure.

    So if you don’t “get” the fantasy in a porn video, then quite frankly, you need to find different porn. Despite what you’ve been told, or think, all porn is not the same. In fact, there is a huge variety of porn, catering to all sorts of interests, body types, races, ages (18 to 65 and even older), sexual practices, sexual orientations, and amateur to pro/am to professional production quality.

    So if one film or type of film doesn’t do it for you, don’t just give up and walk away. After all, do you walk out of the store if the first dress you try on doesn’t fit you? No, of course you don’t. You try on another, and look around some more.

    So if the first few porn films you try don’t work for you, do the same here: Look up film reviews on the Internet, try some of the free porn websites, and rent a few videos that you might never have tried — gay porn, for example. With a bit of effort on your part, you’ll almost certainly find something — somewhere, in that huge diversity of films available — that will get your rocks off.

    And if after making a good-faith effort, you find that you just can’t get into the visuals, try erotic stories! Unlike porn videos, many of these stories are written by women, and can be quite hot and sizzling. For the record, I’m not talking about Harlequin Romance novels … I mean, actual erotic novels or short stories, with real fucking and sucking, on the printed page.

    If all else fails, then there is one last thing to try: Select a porn video that you think your partner will like, based on what you know of his interests and what he might have hinted or told you. Lower the lights in the room, start the video, turn the sound down (or off), sit next to your partner, and experience your partner’s reactions with him, as he gets turned on. It’s that last part — having a experience together — that’s the crucial bit. Being in the same room, on the same bed or couch, with your husband, as he gets hard and turned on … can be a real turn on in and of itself! And if you feel so motivated, help him come when he’s ready to do so. Of course, if you’re so turned on that you’re enjoying yourself, your husband might just turn off the video and help you too!

    Lastly, don’t worry that your husband’s going to end up liking Pornobabes (to use Julia Grey’s words) more than you. He doesn’t. He knows the difference between fantasy and reality. In reality, he wants to have sex with his wife, and he wants you to be happy too. Trust me, he will remember what you did for him.

    • asd Says:

      I know it’s way after the fact, but this “just sit there while he gets his jollies” makes me seethe. What, she’s just supposed to sit there, disgusted and left out, watching you get all excited over some other chick who (probably) looks and acts nothing like her, and then act as a receptacle for said excitement when you’re ready?

      What about her needs? What about what excites *her*? Yes, plenty of women watch porn, but many don’t, and there’s nothing *wrong* with Harlequin (you’d be surprised how hot some romance novels can be).

      I always thought that sexual exploration should be undertaken by both partners in the relationship, not just one.

    • Lee Says:

      I am with you on the porn. When viewing it I always wonder if the woman was a prostitute prior to being a porn star. How much she gets paid for this. How long it takes her not to hurt after. Does she have a drug problem to pay for and this is the easiest way she knows how to get money. And I find the objectification a turn off. There is no closeness and always a huge amount of detachment. And I hate the way porn stars will stare into the camera purposefully and smile as some random guy rams them. I don’t want to be my husbands porn star – he can hire a corner hooker for 40.00 for that.

      Yuck.

      I like sex. I like it a lot. Just not this way – porn has the opposite effect on me. Soooo turns me off. Doesn’t make me want him – makes me disgusted with him.

  4. Dave Says:

    Porn is a huge industry driven by married men who need to jerk off because their wives pulled a 180deg on them. Married men don’t want to watch porn, they’d rather be with their wives but since that isn’t possible for a lot of men, they either cheat or watch porn and toss the tool. Sorry, but that IS reality ladies. Male sex drives do not diminish. So married men who are with wives who have no sex drive aren’t allowed to have sex are they. Can’t have sex with their wives, can’t have sex with anyone else. Wonder why they are angry??? Shouldn’t be much of a mystery.

    • jonny holmes Says:

      correctamundo. take a chill pill ladies, and by the way our hand – or your hand, feels better than your vag. that’s why we pull out .

    • Einstein Says:

      OMG, a dose of reality (not found often here). Thought I was alone there for a minute.

      • Jimmy Says:

        Men will be men. Our sex drive begins at around age 13 and DOES NOT end! I laugh when i hear people say the phrase “dirty old man” if he’s just looking at a attractive woman much younger than he. Nothing dirty about that, he’s just doing what he has done since he has beem 13.

    • Brian Says:

      I completely agree. I actually burned/trashed my porn when I got married. It wasn’t until Year 5 and she suddenly stopped showing me ANY affection (even hugs, kisses, and complements) that I started watching again.
      I’ve noticed that if I go longer than 4-5 days without ejaculating, I start feeling more seduced by other females, and find myself flirting. Later in the day I hate myself. I have not cheated and don’t want to, but I don’t think straight when sex is on the mind. I can’t even focus on projects and tasks if my mind is stuck
      there.
      I do my best to masturbate as secretively as possible (I’m afraid it would insult her); to prevent me from justifying cheating, and to salvage a couple hours of good focus on home improvement. After ejaculation I get charged and have hours of focus on fixing, cleaning, etc. I love it. And if she started having sex with me again, I’d burn it all again. It helps, but it is not reality. There is no love or connection. I really miss my wife.

    • Vincent Says:

      I watched 2 porn movies with my wife in the beginning of our marriage. She didn’t complain but wasn’t comfortable watching such sex scenes so I never tried again. It was a novelty for both of us because we got our first VCR back than. Besides that I was never interested in porn when my wife was around but when she was gone for longer than few days, I was watching one porn after another. So it was always porn or my wife, never mixed together. I can’t even imagine getting distracted by other women, on the screen or alive, when I’m expecting sex with my wife. Now it’s porn or hookers, because my wife’s vagina is not available anymore. I’m very tired of this. Neither porn or casual sex give me what I had with my wife. I guess, it’s time to divorce her and find another wife.
      I think that women loose their interest in sex with age. Same as everyone else looses interest in most activities at some point. They say that they really like sex but do they do it? I love soccer, ask me when was the last time I played it. I’m always too busy or too tired or just have some excuse.

  5. minnie Says:

    finally someone said this…actually I find porn disgusting and my mind wanders off to sexual exploitation of women involved…in so many places.

    • Chowda Head Says:

      I agree. I find most standard porn disgusting and exploitive. However, I do believe that amature porn is wholesome and beneficial. Participants are mutually committed – no exploitation. The orgasms are authentic. Amature porn is a fantastic way for a man and woman to become aroused. It also offers a wonderful visual example of robust and (in most cases) passionate expression of love from which frigid wives can benefit. Just my two cents.

      • Sean Says:

        Chowda I think that is a fair assessment. Amateur porn is great, and I’ve even seen it embody aspects of other porn such as age specific, race specific, etc.

      • I Says:

        Having had a mean partner, who constantly tried to convince me to do amateur porn, leaves me wondering how many women would volunteer to do that. I do not know any.
        Apart from that I know of mor than one men who had trouble having sex with the new girlfriend after years of solosex in front of the computer. She did not look like the women on screen…

        P.S. I love sex, can’t get enough of it, but I would hate my husband looking at porn. It does no good to anyones sex life and makes normal sex pale in comparison.

  6. JJ Says:

    I love porn and I love sex.I spend days thinking of new fantasies to try, situations my husband might like, testing the waters and then pushing a little more.

    Before me, my hunband had a long sexless relatioinship and (unlike me, I would have left her) had years of no sex and frantic flogging. The only reason I came across this site was because he frequently turns me down for sex because he’s already had a flogg, or turns me down then has a flogg later. For him, his porn, his imagination and his hand will always be more low maintenance and easier then real sex.

    I came across this site trying to find another dirty surprise to lure him in. Although porn often replaces the real thing for him, it is also a goldmine of good ideas for me. Anyone who can watch it without some kind of enjoyment at some level is, I suspect,, not being totally honest with themselves. Even if the viewing is average, what your mind adds can make it amazing.

  7. Danno Says:

    So the author of this blog finds the image of an ejaculating penis disgusting? You are CLEARLY the wrong person to be giving sex advice to men.

    When our wives don’t find our man parts exciting, how do you think that makes us feel? The anti-male bias here is astounding.

    • Sean Says:

      I know myself, I don’t find anything a woman can do involving sex with her woman parts that could turn me off in the slightest, up to and including her ejaculation and orgasms that produce natural white/wetness on her vagina. I guess some men could be dismayed by it, but the rest of us would look at them like they were crazy. I totally agree with you Danno.

  8. Poison Ivy Says:

    I’m a 22yo female and I absolutely love porn. But it took me a long time to find something that really hit the spot (figuratively speaking heh). Strangely enough I enjoy lesbian porn far more than straight porn despite being heterosexual. My boyfriend however has found it odd when I have (a couple times) asked him to watch porn with me in bed. He says he very rarely watches it since we’ve been together and can’t understand why I would feel such a need to do so considering we have such an active sex life. He too hates the ‘fakeness’ of it so its not Only women. It’s not a need for me though, I just enjoy it.

    Him being 10 years older than me might have something to do with it and that whole ‘been there done that’ attitude.

  9. Jimmy Says:

    Amature porn is a real turn on for me! Pro porn is not.

  10. Anonymous Says:

    Ok, first of all, I have seen one erotic vid that while slightly idealized, it was romantic sex. They were making love on screen. It was called “The Art of Sex”. Europorn, basically. Oddly enough, it reminded me or erotic literature. It was hot, and messy. He sure as hell didn’t come on her face in the end. They started fully dressed, and they removed their clothes like two people wrapped up in nothing but each other. Beautifully done.
    That said, women don’t generally find male or female sex organs very attractive, and not every woman finds the same two dicks attractive. Frankly, I think that some uncut penises look like a elephant trunk. I don’t think a man blasting come on a girl’s face is sexy, either. Have you gotten pelted in the eyes with you own jizz? For the record, it burns. It’s also really damn difficult to clean out of hair. Hot water or cold water turns it into rubber cement. Don’t judge a woman for being squicked by something you think is hot.
    And for the person who commented badly about the HQ novels, those were the only play I got in HS. And the mutual give and take and the man coming deep inside of her was WAY sexier than seeing a girl dripping in her partners come on screen.


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